Things I Never Told My Mother
Poems by Miaoyin Guan
1.
Things I Never Told My Mother
Inhale
Exhale
I can force the air to enter my system
To keep me alive
If I stop thinking about it
The lungs will still work to keep me going
I don’t inflate my lungs with my hands
Or coerce the air to enter my nose and mouth
I just breathe
It’s natural
Whether I realize it or not
I was kept alive
By your love
You might not have said
Those three words out loud
But in their place was food and small gestures
All the midnight ramens
And perfectly sliced apples
Were hugs and kisses covertly given
Through your nods and smiles
You say you are proud
Even though you won’t say it out loud
All the words you haven’t said
I know them
I hear them
Do you know all the things I never told you about?
2.
College Move in Day - August 2018
Mom: “Did the plane land okay?”
Me: “Yes, I am heading to the school now.”
Mom: “Don’t forget to take some pictures for me.”
“Cheese”
Mia on a swing
Mia in a dress in front of a tree
Mia in a mall with her drink
Always photo after photo
What is there to capture?
“Smile”
“Say Cheese”
Annoyed as a kid
A kid that just wants to play
I want to swing my legs high up in the air
While the wind catches my hair and blows it back like I’m flying
I just want to look at the tree
The tree with the ripe pears
And squirrels that steal the pears
I want to go to the toy store
The one with the cute little bear
The bear with a red dress and a little bow on its ear
Now I’m here
At the gate where the new chapter begins
The chapters before I wrote with my pen
With ink of blood and tears
Now that I’m finally here
Where are you now?
With your camera and smile
To tell me to say
“Cheese”
To tell me
“Don’t frown”
3.
The Holiday Breaks - November 2018
Mom: “Are you doing anything for Thanksgiving?”
Me: “I have a lot of exams I have to study for.”
Mom: “Okay, don’t forget to eat.”
Me: “Never.”
Where did you go for the holidays?
What’s it like to go home after a long time away?
I don’t know
How does it feel to finally eat a homecooked meal after all the cafeteria food?
I don’t know
What’s it like to be annoyed by your parents’ endless questions about how life's going?
I don’t know
What’s it like to lay in your own bed instead of the shitty dormitory twin beds?
I don’t know
I didn’t say I don’t know
I said
Great
Incredible
Ugh
Best feeling ever
When you make up a story every time someone asks
“What did you do for the holiday break?”
And the proper and acceptable response is “with family”
The stories become so elaborate
So detailed
So real
Eventually they become memories
They become real
I was home
I was with family
I have a home and a family
I had a great break
4.
First Day of Class - September 2018
Mom: “How was your first class?”
Me: “It was very good..”
Mom: “Wow, soon you’ll be going to Med School.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m very excited.”
Mom: “Okay, I’ll stop bothering. Go study!”
Me: “I know I will, don’t worry. I’ll make sure I get good grades and then buy you a nice big house.”
Mom: “Haha, don’t worry about me. As long as you get a nice house, I will be fine.”
A world that’s yours
My mother’s sacrifice is my life
Her tearful goodbye to my grandma and her country was the only time I saw her cry
Her willing demotion from a woman of respect to a mere waitress
Her smile accompanies her apron and her sweat when she comes back with her daily tips
Her eloquent thoughts and strong opinions all reduced to “yes” “no” and “I don’t understand”
Telling me if only they knew what she would’ve said if they spoke Chinese
She traded a world that loved her for the world that didn’t want her
All so I can live a life that should have been her’s
My fancy degree
My comfy job
My own apartment
My healthy body
My kind soul
My peace of mind
My genuine laughs
My love for my world where I am wanted
How can this world want me but not her?
I asked her why she was willing to sacrifice
She told me one day I will understand
When I hold my own little one in my hand
I told her in the next life I want her to be mine
My daughter
My happiness
So I can sacrifice
Because I live a life that should have been her’s
The world that embraced me but tossed her
5.
New York Debut at Lincoln Center - January 2024
Me: “I performed at the Lincoln Center earlier.”
Mom: “Is that a famous place?”
Me: “Yes, I sang with a group. I even ran into my boss in the audience with her family. I was like whoa you paid to see me?”
Mom: “Very good, send me a video”
Spotlight
Rain patters serenading
Hallway echoing of voices harmonizing
Faces black and white decorate the walls
Icons bowing with glee and pride
Makeup and hairbrush
Applause and cheers
“Break a leg”
One foot after the other
Bright warm spotlight blinding my eyes
More applause and cheers
But time pauses
I look
I wait
I hope
I wish
Their faces eager to hear the starting note
The conductor raising his hand
Wait
I blink
Where is my mom
She isn’t here
To see my big debut
The hand is down
“Lights in the big city…”
She’s not here
How can she be when I didn’t tell her
“Can make a man feel small… ”
6.
Our First Shitty Apartment - September 2017
Mom: “Thank God we qualify for subsidized housing.”
Me: “I’m so excited, I can sleep in the living room so you and Jackie can sleep in the bedroom.”
Mom: “The cabinets are ruined! Did giant dogs chew on them? Don’t touch you’ll get a splinter.”
Me: “Nothing duct tape can’t fix.”
Mom: “The oven isn’t working, and only one stove…”
Me: “We will be okay. It’s perfect! Thank you, mom.”
Door Close
When life closes a door
Sometimes there’s a window
Through it we can see the garden of willows and bright tulips
Even chirping bluebirds dancing with doves on branches
In reality, that window is only a painting
A fantasy to keep us trapped
So, you look back to the door
The locked door has a peep hole
Showing you what life really is
If you are just brave enough to knock it down
If you remember that wood although strong it is also fragile
It is flammable
It can be split
It can be broken
With all my might
I knock down the door
I am out
I am free
The world is much colder now without the door
So I build a new door with a lock that I have the keys to
And I put up a new painting
7.
Scientific Discovery - April 2021
Me: “I got an award for the research I did!”
Mom: “That’s great! I’m glad your hard work paid off all these years.”
Me: “Me too.”
Mom: “So you said you helped made medicine for soldiers in war?”
Me: “Yes.”
Intelligent
Acetylcholinesterase
An inhibitor
Crossing the blood brain barrier
“Google, how do I say that in Chinese”
Translation
I don’t think that makes sense
You told me if only I knew enough Chinese
That you are not just all beauty with no brain
If only I can see how your mind works
How you reason with opinions
How you come to a conclusion
If only you can take in more information
To form your own beliefs and religion
I wish you only knew enough English
Although I would never tell you that
I wish you can see I’m no longer eight
When my mother tongue is frozen
If only you can see how my mind can reason
How I read and researched
My years of work that yielded purpose
That can save and impact so many others
If only you can understand the words of my paper
Instead of just knowing I’m a published author
You would know I am just like you
Beautiful and intelligent
8.
Sunrise in My Apartment - December 2024
Mom: “Are you heading to your in- laws for Christmas again?”
Me: “Yes, we are leaving on Friday.”
Mom: “Don’t forget to bring a warm jacket. I heard it’s going to be freezing next week.”
Me: “I know.”
Mom: “Okay, I’ll stop bothering. You have fun unpacking your new apartment.”
Me: “I moved in last month. It’s okay, I’m not busy if you want to keep talking.”
Sunrises
The world is quiet
And the bones ache
Eyes barely open
With the shades raised
A sun that hugs
With a warm embrace
Like my mother’s smile
On a stormy day
With tears I pay
For the peace I craved
For years and a decade
To find solace in a space
A space that’s mine
With keys I turn
With love I pay
For the safe barricade
That separates me from you
And everyone from before
With loneliness I pay
For a home far away
9.
All Around the World - December 2024
Me: “I am going to Europe for two weeks!”
Mom: “I’m glad, have fun!”
Me: “I will send you many photos.”
Mom: “Be safe, I will call everyday to make sure you are alive.”
In My Shoes
A mile or two or many more
A car or train or on a plane
The Walmart down the street
Or the Piccadilly circus
The roses you see out the window
Or the ones in Monet’s Gardens
You walked and crawled for many miles
So I can fly on a plane in style
It’s not fair
I protest
But you say
“Go explore the world
Take some photos it’ll be like I’m there”
So I walk a mile or two or more
Holding you in my hand
Your smile on my face
10.
Reuniting with My Stepdad - September 2022
Mom: “I have to move back with him. I can’t afford the apartment anymore, not while raising yor sister, not while you are gone in college.”
Me: “It’s okay, I understand.”
Mom: “He said you can never come back to this house…”
Me: “It’s totally fine, I never plan to.”
Hope is the thing with feathers
Hope is the thing with feathers
Except when you lack feathers
Or you weight so heavily
Carrying your blocks and baggage
You flap and run
Maybe you can catch a drift
Or perhaps you jump on a thing with feathers
That promised to take you far far away
At first it lets you
It sings with no words
Until the storm hits
Then it speaks with a roar
So loud and frightening
Until you crash back down
Then you are back again
With no feathers in sight
You wait till spring
With more things with feathers that fly
