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Lesson 1: Be Relatable

Look around. What do you see?

If you’re like me, you see a world desperately in need of your help. It matters not if it’s at work, home, on holiday or at the park. People everywhere—across all walks of life—are yearning for a stronger form of humanity to step forward. The SARS-CoV-2 (coronavirus) pandemic of 2020 clearly illustrated this need. How we care about and treat others is in need of an inquest.

Now ask yourself this question. When was the last time you had an honest exchange with another person, one that was so moving it might have even changed your life (let alone theirs)? Throughout the following pages we are going to talk about this great divide, outlining how and why it happens in the workplace and elsewhere. The problems are candid, but the corrective lessons are succinct and easily applied.

While we often hear the mantra that leaders are in the people business, something continues to be lost in translation. Let me make it clear: you are in the relationship business. Your number one and irrefutable goal is to focus your leadership on the development and sustainability of relationships. They could be with your family, neighbors, team members, bosses, partners, customers, suppliers or even competitors. The entirety of Lead. Care. Win. focuses on your exchanges with people and how to make them more meaningful and mutually productive.

The first lesson in this book centers on relatability. Just how relatable you are in all of your relationships—be they at work or outside of it—is a hallmark of leadership. I went looking for a story to help introduce the concept in this opening lesson. That story came to me on the day I was delivering a live webinar to an audience during the spring of 2019. In the middle of the session, it serendipitously dawned on me: “How the heck did Zoom get to be so popular and why do so many people love it?”

Zoom is an online collaboration tool that allows you to host video meetings and conversations from any device. It was founded in 2011. Zoom was the service I used during that webinar session. By the time the pandemic hit, the use of Zoom skyrocketed from ten million daily users to well over two hundred million. The tool includes chat systems, screen sharing, document exchange, and a host of other features. On April 18, 2019, the company went public on NASDAQ and was valued at just under $16 billion by the end of its IPO. As of this writing, it’s up nearly 100 percent with a market capitalization of over $50 billion.

The last thing I wanted to do in a book about a more caring form of leadership was to highlight another high-tech company from Silicon Valley. Many stories from that part of the world are not to my liking. But as I researched Zoom to quench my curiosity, I became much intrigued. I reached out to its founder, Eric Yuan. He responded the very day I sent him an introduction and said yes to my request for an interview. Naturally, we used Zoom.

“Dan, we are here to make people’s lives better. Love is everything. If you truly love a customer or employee or partner, you will do whatever you can for them.” These were not the first words I was expecting to hear from the founder and CEO of an online collaboration tool based in Silicon Valley. But they were powerful

words, and a clear example of Yuan’s view that the more relatable you are, the better things will be. It was a perfect start to a conversation about leadership.

His energy and passion regarding relationships shot through his office webcam, so much so I thought I was face to face with him for the duration of our time together. “When I was a kid, I never thought about it,” he said. “I was taught to be very kind to people by my parents. Now, at Zoom, we know that if an employee is not happy, the customer will not be happy. It’s all about relationships.”

Happiness, love and looking out for others are key traits to Yuan’s relatability style. Evidently it’s working. Customer satisfaction is off the charts.1 The company’s net promoter score—a loyalty metric that measures a customer’s willingness to return for

another purchase and likelihood of recommending the company to family, friends or colleagues—is 62. Scores higher than zero are typically considered to be good, while scores above 50 are excellent. Anything below zero is a negative experience. For comparison, eBay’s NPS score is 9, Costco’s is 79 and Facebook’s is pegged at minus 21.

Not everything has been rosy. During the pandemic, Zoom came under public fire for several security and privacy issues, particularly related to its Free Basic and Single Pro licenses. Zoom was originally intended to be an enterprise customer product, but with so many organizations switching to online meetings and classroom learning via Zoom, issues began to crop up. For example, some malevolent users began “Zoombombing,” disrupt- ing Zoom meetings uninvited and sharing shocking or even pornographic content due to a lack of passwords and easy access to the Zoom rooms. Yuan quickly stepped up, accepting blame, apologizing and immediately committing to fix any of the issues. In a blog post in early April, 2020, Yuan wrote:

Transparency has always been a core part of our culture. I am committed to being open and honest with you about areas where we are strengthening our platform and areas where users can take steps of their own to best use and protect themselves on the platform.

We welcome your continued questions and encourage you to provide us with feedback – our chief concern, now and always, is making users happy and ensuring that the safety, privacy, and security of our platform is worthy of the trust you all have put in us.

It’s what a caring leader ought to do in any sort of crisis. Be open and transparent, and look out for those you serve. It’s the very definition of being relatable.

But how did Zoom come to be? Why did it become so popular?

And why are its two thousand employees so happy at work?

After emigrating from China, Yuan joined an antecedent to Zoom in 1997 as a young engineer. The company name was Webex. During the dot-com bubble mania, the company went public. A few years later, it was acquired by telecommunications giant Cisco for $3.2 billion. By 2010, Yuan questioned his happiness. Cisco was unwilling to invest in a complete rebuild in Webex, something Yuan was pushing for. He saw how slow and unfriendly the Webex experience had become for users. He no longer felt he was relating to the customers, let alone the company he worked for. Yuan was in charge of eight hundred engineers. What to do?

According to Yuan, Cisco didn’t care about the customer’s video conferencing experience. It wasn’t interested in relating to the customer’s needs. Cisco was more focused on building an enterprise version of Facebook. Further, the culture at Cisco had become too much for Yuan. “Every day, I was going into the office and I was very unhappy,” he said. “And so were my customers. It was a negative impact to me and everyone.” Yuan left in 2011 and immediately started work on Zoom. The rest, as they say, is history.

“Our company has a culture of delivering happiness,” Yuan said. “Our company values are but one word: care. We care about each other, our customers, the community, Zoom, and ourselves. If you don’t care, then you come across as always being right. And I’m not always right. Be humble, admit mistakes. And don’t be so arrogant. We’re only human.”

I could have chatted with Eric Yuan for hours. A mere sixty minutes, however, provided rare insights into someone who believes that if you are relatable, everyone can win. He may be a multi-billionaire—and operating out of Silicon Valley—but Yuan built his successful career by caring, admitting mistakes and acting with humility, all the while looking out for others throughout the journey. In a nutshell, lead, care, and then you will win.

The Problem

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman once suggested that the United States is a nation suffering from an “epidemic of infallibility.” I share his sentiment, to a point. It’s not just infallibility, and it’s not a malady exclusive to America. It’s our misunderstanding of the importance of relatability. We may think we’re infallible, but that often boils down to our unwillingness to accept that we make mistakes and that we need help. Positioning ourselves as infallible is the antithesis of being relatable. Further, when we don’t care about how others feel, people see right through us.

The problem comes down to this: we resist acknowledging we are fallible and imperfect. In his 1711 poem “An Essay on Criticism: Part 2,” Alexander Pope wrote: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”4 We recognize the idiom these days as “To err is human.” But Pope had it right with the full line.

We have an ingrained cognitive dissonance—a formidable belief that we are fair, kind and unfailing and so perfectly relatable—yet we can easily fall into the trap of acting in ways that are far from benevolent. We of course do not see this blind spot—we deny it, insisting to ourselves “it’s the other person.” The cognitive disso-

nance that we suffer from runs counter to Pope’s benediction for humanity. To be relatable, we need to appreciate that we make mistakes. Thus, to err is part of our DNA. Thinking you are infallible becomes the quickest path to coming off as a know-it-all. Do you really want to be thought of by others as that person who thinks they understand everything, who never makes a mistake

and is intolerant of any human slip? That’s not only utterly unkind, it is antithetical to a caring form of leadership.

Part of the problem rests with our inability to accept that we will indeed make mistakes: big ones, little ones and daily ones. Get over it. Eric Yuan makes them—and made them during the pandemic—but he’s able to do so knowing it’s his sincerity that pushes others to help him fix them. Further, when we feel as though we’re not allowed to make mistakes at work, there’s no hope for forgiveness because that’s not part of the equation either. Thus we fail to forgive. Leadership without relatability results in a spiral of inhumaneness, a conspicuous lack of emotional intelligence. To become relatable—to be a beacon of forgiveness and kindness, to be humble enough to ask for help—affects the very heart of your leadership. Caring for and about others means acknowledging your humanity and avoiding falling into the cognitive dissonance trap, which will cripple your ability to be relatable, and will consequently impact your team and what this group of good people are hopeful of achieving on your behalf.

5 Leadership Questions To Ask Yourself:

• Do I exhibit behaviors where I come across as an uncaring person?
• Do I pretend to be someone I’m not?
• Do I understand the impact of being disconnected from my work and my team?
• Have I invested time in getting to know others as human beings?
• When I make a mistake, do I ignore it, cover it up, or place blame elsewhere?

Why Relatability Matters

The first thing to get torched when you do not relate well to others is your reputation. (Signs that your reputation may need to be salvaged are given below.) You can be assured no one will be saying nice things about you if you continually behave in a manner that suggests you are better than others, pretending you are infallible. Instead, your reputation—your very identity—will be laid to waste. There isn’t a hazmat suit in the world that will save you.

Are you confused as to why people are not sharing information with you? Ask yourself if you’ve burned bridges by being unkind to your peers. When was the last time you apologized for a mistake you inadvertently or blatantly made? If you cannot ask for help—or be proactive in the giving of assistance—you offer no inducement to others to want to forgive your selfishness. The corollary is an unflattering reputation. No one wants to be in your corner. Your network? In shambles.

The effect can end up becoming a grocery list of harmful ingredients. Not only will people be unwilling to share, but they will also refrain from advocating for you when it comes time for project selections, promotions, development opportunities or even social activities.

You also invite employee apathy. We need more empathy, not apathy. If team members see you acting in such an unthoughtful manner, their willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty or to provide you with assistance becomes near impossible. “Why exert any extra effort at all,” some will say, “if my leader is grossly aloof and uncaring and never admits to a mistake? It’s impossible to relate to this person. I give up.”

When apathy takes hold, productivity wanes, engagement drops, and whatever the team is tasked to accomplish becomes less of a priority. There is no doubt that employees will soon say, “What’s the point?” This terrible indifference is the consequence of those who lead without caring, fail to be relatable and even lack the decorum to say “bless you” after someone sneezes.

Your “Relatability Quotient” is in Peril When:

• You equate leadership with unwavering toughness.
• You operate with two personalities: one for work and one for outside of work. (How will people know the “real” you?)
• You refuse to ask sincere questions about the well-being of team members.
• You do not bother to inspire the team because you view it as a waste of time.
• You believe errors are intolerable and saying sorry doesn’t make up for stupidity.
• You never make a mistake, and have convinced yourself of such tragic nonsense.

Go to www.LeadCareWin.com/scorecard and assess your Be Relatable score. It will only take a couple of minutes. Then return to the book.

Ideas for Becoming More Relatable

You can become more relatable by kick-starting six relationship-building leadership habits. They are:

• Respect others
• Empathize
• Be Personable
• Manage Mistakes
• Apologize
• Ask for Help and Feedback

Respect Others

Being relatable is rooted in civility. If your default position is to respect others, there is a far greater chance of your relationships blossoming. After all, it’s how we want to be treated. Consider these aspects of respecting others:

Be patient with a request you’ve made, yet be proactive when following up:

Don’t badger someone to death if they haven’t answered your query. Employ tolerance.

Don’t be so reactive that there isn’t sufficient time for someone to respond. Act with composure.

Genuinely care in all of your interactions:

Don’t aggressively and madly bark orders, demands or asks. Invoke calmness.

Don’t be impolite to the point of forgetting how to be civil with others. Act with courtesy.

Be positive and thoughtful in written correspondence and verbal exchanges:

Don’t use negative, hostile or impolite language in texts, emails, instant messages, etc. Consider graciousness.

Don’t be passive-aggressive, hurtful or demeaning when face to face. Employ positivity.

Use friendly, helpful gestures in all of your exchanges:

Don’t cut someone off, slam a door in their face or fail to say hello in an elevator. Use good manners.

Don’t ignore their requests, purposely delete their texts/emails or fail to lend a hand. Act cooperatively.

America’s first female self-made millionaire, Sarah Breed- love—known as Madame C.J. Walker—was an African-American entrepreneur in the late 1800s and early 1900s. She pioneered the development and marketing of hair care products and cosmetics. As a profitable entrepreneur, Breedlove could have overlooked the needs of her employees. Instead, she respected their thoughts and hunger for growth. Her business employed well over three thousand workers in the US, and a large portion of those were door-to-door saleswomen. She was known to be overly generous, getting to know many of her employees through the in-depth training sessions she delivered. In 1912, Breedlove said, “Now my object in life is not simply to make money for myself or to spend it on myself in dressing or running around in an automobile, but I love to use a part of what I make to help others.”5 Breedlove was a leader who respected the needs of those who worked for her. In sum, she cared.

Empathize

Empathy is a multi-faceted concept. At its root is your ability to proactively—and sometimes reactively—consider the emotional feelings and intellectual thoughts of the other person. I have witnessed empathy, when used correctly, become a highly influential tactic through a three-fold process:

• Head
• Heart
• Hands

When you appreciate how someone thinks—how they are mentally processing a situation—you are demonstrating what psychologists refer to as cognitive empathy. You are using your head to get inside their head. This is about how they think. They’re likely looking at the world through a different lens than yours. Perhaps it’s their politics, religion, upbringing, culture, sexuality, language, ethnicity or something else. Whatever the case, if you appreciate where people are coming from conceptually, you demonstrate empathy with your head.

When you try to understand how the other person is feeling, you are using your heart to get inside their heart. Psychologists call this emotional empathy. It’s about how people sense situations. Perhaps those you are trying to relate to are sensitive to or get deeply emotional in certain scenarios. Maybe there is a concern for animals, or children, or the underprivileged, or the environment. Maybe they’re simply having a bad day at work and feeling a bit off. Whatever the cause, if you arrive at understanding how people are emotionally feeling in specific situations, you demonstrate empathy with your heart.

When you are able to relate to how someone is thinking and feeling, your hands are now in play. Metaphorically, you are using your hands to take action, to address the situation with something known as sympathetic empathy. Once you have satisfactorily assessed or interpreted the other person’s head and heart—where they are coming from cognitively and emotionally—you are in a better position to do something about it. It’s how you can turn empathy into positive action.

When you understand and employ all three categories of empathy—head, heart and hands—you have given birth to compassion. Compassion is thus the offspring of empathy. It is a critical piece to a high-functioning and caring relationship. A compassionate person is one who relates with others and employs all three types of empathy.

Contemplate these strategies in your quest to be more relatable through the three types of empathy:

Not all is as it seems, so give the other person the benefit of the doubt:

Don’t think for a second everything is peachy in the other person’s world. They come to work with real problems at home, too.

Don’t expect someone’s personal life to be left at the door. Their feelings often have no barrier.

Everyone has an opinion and position on things, and they’re likely to be different than yours:

Don’t disregard someone’s background, ethnicity, religion, history or politics. They need you to appreciate their differences.

Don’t overlook their professional background or past roles. They have biases and strengths that might alter your thinking.

Remember how it feels to be treated like gold by someone else. Now do that for others:

Don’t overlook the state of mind and emotion of others. They need your warmth.

Don’t overestimate the pure brilliance of asking how someone else is feeling. They need your caring.