1
Jumping
After Abby packed her bags, she set them by the door. Glancing at her watch, she realized she had just enough time for a glass of wine. Maybe it would calm her nerves, or at least soften the pounding inside her chest.
“You’re really doing this?” Jossi’s voice cut through the tense moment as she followed Abby into the kitchen, watching her pull a wineglass from a shelf and fill it, emptying the bottle.
Abby sipped her wine, allowing the red liquid to linger in her mouth as she purposely ignored her best friend’s concern.
“You aren’t answering me,” Jossi pressed.
Abby’s gaze drifted to the window where darkness had descended on the neighborhood outside. The streetlights had come on, casting a dim glow onto the pavement below. After another long sip from her glass, she finally met Jossi’s gaze. “I don’t know if I’m crazy or sane. But if I don’t do this now, I’ll drown.”
“Jumping is frightening,” Jossi warned.
“How would you know?” Abby narrowed her eyes. “You’ve never had to jump.”
The two women locked eyes in a momentary stare until interrupted by the sound of Abby’s son’s voice. Abby turned away, giving Jossi a chance to slip out of the room without a goodbye, leaving her to deal with the inevitable confrontation. It was a family matter—Abby’s family matter.
“Hey Mom, there’s a taxi outside,” Drew said as he came into the house, threw his gym bag at the base of the stairs, and beelined to the kitchen. “What’s for dinner?”
Abby looked at her boy, seeing the man he was becoming. With broad shoulders and a lean, muscular frame, he was so much like his father. He had reached well beyond her husband’s height of six feet. The way he was eating, she feared he would gain at least two more inches before he reached adulthood. His jaw was becoming strong and angular, with hints of stubble. But his cheeks were still round with boyish charm, and his eyes were bright and curious, reflecting a sense of innocence and boundless energy. There were no lines or wrinkles, just a vibrant complexion of youth.
Abby worried he would be lost without her.
Her gut wrenched. Mothers don’t leave their children!
But he wasn’t a child anymore. He had proclaimed that to her a dozen times. He was letting go—going out with friends versus hanging at home, ignoring texts, answering questions with as few words as possible—as he should. It was what teenagers did, no matter how much it may hurt their parents, or hurt her. She had been through this stage before with Emma. She just never thought it would be this hard the second time around.
“Mom,” her son said, lifting his big unguarded eyes to hers. “Did you hear me?”
She nodded. “Yes, Drew, I heard you.”
The door from the garage opened with a creak. Abby didn’t turn at the sound, making a mental note to oil the hinges when she returned.
Of course, I’ll return …
Her husband Marcus sauntered in, set his coat over the stair railing, and pushed his briefcase under the entryway table. He glanced at the packed bags near the front door, then at Abby. “What’s this all about?”
“Yeah, Mom, where are you going?” Drew interjected as he crunched through an apple he had found in a bowl on the counter. “And seriously, I’m starved. What’s for dinner?”
Abby gave her son a big kiss on the forehead before answering. “I didn’t make dinner tonight. There are pizzas in the freezer. Throw them in the oven … and learn how to cook. Otherwise, you might starve.” She gave him a partial smile and pushed him toward the freezer. “I love you, you know,” she said before turning away.
Abby slipped into her coat and opened the front door, where a chilly blast slapped her face. The driver was waiting for her.
Marcus grasped her arm and asked again, “Babe, what’s going on?”
“I’m leaving, Marcus,” she replied, her voice calm but clipped. Anything else would have betrayed her fear.
“What do you mean, you’re leaving?” Marcus’s voice grew harsher. “Where are you going?”
Abby avoided his eyes. “I don’t know yet,” she murmured, hoping it would do, knowing it wouldn’t. The weight of her words settled in the pit of her stomach.
“You don’t know?” His voice rose. “You just pack your bags and what? Walk out without a plan? That’s not good enough, Abby!” Marcus stood motionless, his eyes searching hers, calculating, processing.
Abby would laugh if she wasn’t so distraught. Such a male defense, she thought. He wasn’t feeling anything. He was thinking. Maybe she was doing all the feeling and not enough thinking. Too late. She had already stepped off the cliff with one foot when she packed her bags. She just needed to get out the door with the other.
Am I strong enough? she asked herself, staring into Marcus’s blue eyes. They were saying, “Don’t go!” Those eyes always weakened her. But he didn’t say the words. His hands retreated, and he stepped back.
Stop me! she screamed in her head.
The taxi honked, the sharp blast piercing the tension. Abby flinched, her breath catching in her throat. She swallowed hard, reminding herself to take a deep breath. Her heart pounded as her gaze drifted to the corner where Jossi had stood, hoping—desperately—that her friend’s presence might somehow return and ground her trembling nerves. But she had snuck out before the hard part. As always!
Abby’s gaze flickered back to Marcus. His stare was now cold.
“Abby, where the hell are you going?” he demanded.
Abby’s shoulders tightened, forcing her spine to straighten. “I’ll let you know when I get there,” she said with resolve.
She buttoned up her coat, the long one she used for very cold weather, and swirled a cashmere scarf around her neck. She took out the gloves stored in the pockets but decided against them, placing them back before grabbing the handle of her luggage.
“I love you,” she whispered, her voice unsteady. She leaned in, kissed Marcus on the cheek, and, turning on her heels, stepped out into the night, rolling her bags down the walkway to the street where the taxi driver awaited her.
“Abby …” Marcus’s strained voice called out, but she didn’t look back.
She had jumped and couldn’t get back up if she tried. She was falling.
Part I: Before
2
Family Relations
The long, lazy days of summer had petered out, and fall crept over the Midwest like a painter’s swift brushstrokes across a canvas, turning the green landscape into shades of yellow, gold, and orange. Leaves piled beneath trees. Lawns browned. Summer flowers withered, their color lingering only in sunlit planters and on sheltered porches. The sun hung dimly in the sky, offering little warmth, as gray clouds gathered on the horizon, warning that winter was approaching. Abby liked to say it was the quiet before the storm. Soon, the temperature would plummet, and snow would pelt the landscape, sending nature into hibernation.
Abby grabbed her heavier coat from the back of the closet and stepped out to run errands. The crisp air met her with a shiver. Her breath crystallized in front of her, and she cursed the cold. Getting into the car, she immediately turned on the heater, along with the radio, praying for warmer days in the weeks ahead. She wasn’t ready to retreat for the winter.
As Abby pulled out of the garage, she saw Jossi at the end of the driveway, her hands tucked deep in her pockets. She rolled down her window.
“I saw you leaving. Want company?” Jossi asked, a mischievous smirk tugging at her lips.
“Do I have a choice?” Abby shot her a look, already thumbing the unlock button. “Get in.”
Jossi slipped into the passenger seat and leaned over to turn up the radio, her hand hovering instinctively over the dial, just like she had done so many times driving to school or on the way to the mall.
Depeche Mode was playing, and Abby began to hum softly the familiar tune. Jossi, however, belted out the words, her voice strong and clear filling the car. Abby didn’t mind being overshadowed by her friend’s beautiful voice. There was no jealousy between them. They had been best friends since kindergarten and were as close as sisters. Nothing was a secret, and nothing got past either of them. They shared everything.
Everything.
“Gosh, that song was great. Remember?” Jossi rolled her shoulders and thrust her arms forward in a wave of gyration. “That’s when music was actually danceable.”
“Stop!” Abby laughed, casting a quick, self-conscious glance toward the cars speeding by. “You look ridiculous.”
“So what?” She gyrated again.
Abby shook her head, knowing it was no use. Jossi was Jossi. Untamed. Uncontrollable. Undeterred.
As the song faded, Jossi gestured for Abby to lower the music. “You know what was ridiculous? Shoulder pads!” she declared, then mock-gagged as she rolled her eyes. “Where were the fashion police then?”
Abby smirked, remembering how stylish she felt when she borrowed one of her dad’s jackets, rolled up the sleeves to display the satin lining, and layered it over a ruffled skirt. “They made me look like a football player.” She grimaced at the memory of her younger self trying too hard. “And that hair! I should never have gotten a perm.”
“Oh, it was a good look on you. At least you were tall. I wore those long jackets and just looked like a kid swallowed by her grandpa’s coat.”
Abby couldn’t disagree. The boxy, oversized look was never suited for Jossi’s petite frame.
The memories seemed so long ago. And they were—more than thirty years had passed. It wasn’t possible that life had gone by so quickly. When Abby and Jossi were together, it seemed like they were still young girls. That’s because Jossi never aged. Abby did. Gone were the big hair, flat tummy, and seamless forehead. Abby had traded in the wavy long hair for a timeless, shoulder-length cut with curtain bangs to the sides. Or at least it had been timeless for the last few years. The flat tummy left her after she had her children, no matter how many sit-ups or diets she tried. And wrinkles? She thanked her father’s gene pool that there were few. There was just a wavy row of well-earned lines across her forehead. She worried. She worried about her kids’ futures, her husband’s happiness, saving the whales, Middle East peace, and the melting ice caps.
Jossi watched Abby’s forehead crinkle. “You don’t worry enough about yourself,” she said, attempting to read her thoughts. “Remember when we thought we’d conquer the world together? What happened to that fire in you?”
“Huh?” Abby said, her inner chain of thoughts broken. “I guess life happened. No time. No room.”
“Make time … you’ll need it.”
Abby glanced at her friend. Did Jossi know something she didn’t?
The phone rang, and Abby punched the control on her steering wheel.
“Hey Mom,” a voice called out.
“Hi, honey. How’s my baby girl?”
“Mom, I’m not a little girl anymore,” her daughter reminded her. “Plus, I’m not your baby, Drew is.” She was probably still mad that her little brother had dethroned her upon his birth. “How is the little rat?”
“I wouldn’t know. He’s too busy for his mother,” Abby replied, the truth tugging at her heart.
“Oh, Mom, he’s a bratty teen right now. Ease up. He loves you.”
Abby sighed, not sure these days, recalling when Drew wasn’t so distant. She couldn’t forget the years when her easygoing son suddenly turned rebellious, coming home late, stoned, and defiant.
She recalled the day the school had called, informing her that Drew hadn’t shown up. Furious, she jumped in the car and drove around town until she found him. He was smoking behind the grocery store. When she tried to get him into the car, she realized his six-foot, one-hundred-sixty-pound frame was too much for her. He was no longer a boy, but he was not a man either, leaving her no choice. She called the police and watched from a distance as they gathered him and the other boys in their squad car. When it was over, she drove home and cried. That cycle went on for almost a year—until he got a girlfriend.
Drew discovered being the bad boy was not as rewarding as being in love. Armed with condoms, Abby tried again to break the ice that had thickened into an iceberg between them. He didn’t take kindly to her speech about behaving responsibly, but he accepted the tiny wrapped packages anyway, hugged her, and said he loved her.
Abby cried again but for different reasons.
After summer, the romance faded, and so did his defiance. His football talent caught his coach’s eye, and he surrounded himself with good friends, healthy eating habits, and daily exercise routines. There was little time for rebellion, girls, or his mother. That was two years ago. Now, with graduation approaching, and college on the horizon, it felt like Abby had blinked, and suddenly he was all grown up. Their relationship was shifting, but neither of them had yet found their footing with the other.
“Mom?” Emma interrupted, pleading for Abby’s attention.
“I’m here.”
“Hey, I’m calling because …” She hesitated.
Her tone gave it away—she had disappointing news. Abby swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dry.
“You know I’ve been seeing Teddy for a while …”
“You mean Theodore?”
“Teddy!” Emma insisted.
Yes, Teddy, Abby repeated in her head.
His real name was Theodore Cameron Wilkes the Third. How Emma ever got mixed up with such an elite family was beyond her comprehension. They’d been dating for months, but Abby had yet to meet him. She’d hoped the holiday might change that.
Emma continued, “Anyway, his family has invited me to their house in the Caribbean for Thanksgiving.”
She wasn’t coming home for the holiday. Abby’s heart tightened.
When Emma left for school at the end of August, the prospect of her return for the fall break kept Abby from sheer loneliness. They’d been close, really close, until Theodore.
“Their whole family is going. It’s kind of tradition,” Emma explained. “I’m hoping you and Dad won’t mind.”
Abby swallowed hard, stung by Emma’s blithe disregard for the bomb she’d dropped. “That sounds … wonderful. Meeting his family is a big deal,” she said, with the kind of diplomacy she had perfected.
“I know, right?” Emma gushed. “Teddy wants me to meet the whole family. And Colette insisted—”
“Who’s Colette?” she questioned.
“Oh, she’s Teddy’s mom. Really nice—you’d love her. She was a doctor but doesn’t practice anymore. Now, she teaches.”
“Of course she does. Beautiful and thin too, I assume?” Abby quipped, casting a sidelong glance at Jossi, who watched her with perceptive eyes.
“Mom!” Emma screeched.
“Well, is she?”
“Yeah, kind of … but older than you, if that helps,” Emma offered.
Not really.
“So, I was hoping you and Dad wouldn’t mind if I spent the holiday with Teddy.”
Abby felt a wave of pressure building in her chest. “I think your mind is already made up.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she admitted. “You understand, right?”
“You’re in love, and that’s what new love does,” Abby replied, her voice unnaturally upbeat.
“I do love him, Mom,” Emma declared. “And I can’t imagine this love ever going away. He’s so wonderful.”
Abby laughed. Not because she thought it was funny, just naïve.
“Come on, Mom, not everyone feels like you do.”
Abby scoffed. “What kind of comment is that for your mother?”
“Let’s face it. You and Dad aren’t starry-eyed lovers. I mean, I know you love each other, but not like Teddy and I do.”
Didn’t everyone feel that way about new love—brilliant and consuming? But how about love after years of living, when real life takes its toll? Abby fell silent.
“Well, I gotta run. Teddy will be here any minute. He is taking me shopping to pick out a new bathing suit for the trip,” Emma said. “I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Say hello to Theodore for me.”
“Teddy!”
“Love you,” Abby got out of her throat before Emma hung up.
The remnants of “Like a Virgin” filled the car and Abby snapped off the radio.
“It’s not selfish to want her home,” Jossi said softly, breaking the silence. “You should have told her how you feel.”
Abby forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
“There’s that F word.” Jossi narrowed her eyes, challenging the nonchalant response.
“Stop that!” Abby protested, quickly turning her attention back to the road, avoiding Jossi’s stare. “It’s not just about Emma,” she continued. “Drew and Marcus will be gone, too. They were invited to the coach’s house for a football gathering. A kind of guy’s day. Marcus thought it was a great idea.” She paused. “None of them seem to realize that it matters to me.”
Jossi studied her friend. “Maybe not right now.”
Abby’s gaze drifted to the window, the world outside feeling distant, like it was moving forward without her. The cold air and the falling leaves all seemed so separate from her. Yet she was always there, holding everyone else together.
“So, when will they?” Abby’s voice cracked. She didn’t really want Jossi to answer. It wasn’t about Thanksgiving, and they both knew it. Abby blinked back tears. “But don’t they see? Don’t they realize I may not always be there?”
“Aren’t you, though? Always there?” Jossi caught her teary eyes. “You’re allowed to want more, Abby.”
For a moment, Abby let herself linger on that thought. Jossi was right, she was always there. But where else would she be?
