Finding the Real Road

Chapter 1

As I stepped off the bus, the bright afternoon sunlight hit me. Blaring noises came at me from every direction, making my ears ring. The smell of grit and grime overwhelmed me, making my eyes water and my nose run. A blanket of heat and humidity tried to smother me. Nothing but the sight of chaos all around, and my heart sank to my toes as my whole body started to sway like a dandelion blown by a child. Pieces of my body began to shatter, left to drift on the gentle breeze.

I’ve made a mistake. A monster mistake. Amy, what were you thinking?!

My stomach swirled, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and climb right back on the Greyhound bus and return to my tiny, remote corner of the world. Go back to the place I’d once called home. In one hand, I clutched my backpack, my fist tighter on it than if it was a life preserver. The other waved around trying to grasp onto something, needing anything steady to cling to before I fell over.

A deep, smooth voice from behind me broke into my thoughts. “Miss? You alright? You need help?” To reassure me a smidgen, a hand gave a gentle squeeze on my elbow.

Turning my head a fraction, I saw the bus driver’s concerned face. The ebony skin pulled tight across his high cheekbones. His dark eyebrows drawn down. His lips pursed.

“Yes, sir.” My head gave a little shake, not sure in the least which of his questions I answered in the affirmative.

I didn’t want to admit everything was far from fine. And that I needed aid. I’m too proud to let anyone ever see an ounce of weakness in me. Plus, nobody had called me ‘Miss’ in forever. Heavens, I was almost old enough to be his mother.

“Just tired from the long trip is all.” Giving him a faint smile, I patted his sturdy hand.

“You’re not from here, right?” He tipped his head to gain a better look at me.

“No, sir.” This simple phrase couldn’t come close to describing how far from home I had landed.

“Well, let’s grab those suitcases of yours from the luggage cart, and then I’ll find you a taxi. Sound like a plan?” His grip tightened on my arm as he ushered me off to the side a little way, out of the line of fire from the few stragglers still disembarking.

“Fine.” I sighed in defeat, deflating quicker than a balloon with a hole in it. He wasn’t going to let me leave this forsaken place. Oh, but there wasn’t any way he’d ever understand why I wanted to. Why this alien world, with every pound of the jackhammer and toot of a horn, was killing me.

All of those hours on the bus, as mile after mile had passed, I’d been alone and wrestling with my thoughts. What I had run from. What I’d lost. What I’d abandoned. What I’d tossed aside. What I needed the most. Oh, I’m aware most people think everything revolved around the almighty dollar. But it’s not like I had a money problem. No, there were much bigger issues in my life right then. Thus, I couldn’t do anything but continue down this road I journeyed on. Because in so many ways this path wasn’t going forward at all, rather it was leading me to a beginning of sorts. Or so I hoped.

Thus, here I now stood, or well, to be more precise, wobbled. A million miles away from everything I’d ever known. Doing something I shouldn’t be doing. Trying to be someone I wasn’t. And lying to myself about how wonderful this all would turn out. Because, deep down, my bones told me, I couldn’t run from myself or my problems. And thinking otherwise was nothing but pure foolishness.

I forced myself not to limp from leg cramps and the leftover stiffness of sitting for days. And then followed the driver to the baggage pickup area where I pointed to my two enormous cases. He snagged them, and we walked into the station.

“Sit here a minute. I’ll return in a jiff; the office is in the back.” He patted my shoulder with care as he lowered me onto a hard bench like I was a china teacup. He placed my belongings next to me before he strode off, leaving me to stare at the myriad of people milling about.

Old, young, fat, skinny, dirty, clean, whatever. Too many people to worry about, too many hours of me being awake, and too few seconds I’d be in this spot to make any difference. Yet, this used to be the type of place I’d hang out to find people who needed a hand up, not a handout. No longer.

And today was the worst day to have arrived somewhere new. This was a significant date, a day I should celebrate with someone important. With the person who meant the most in the world to me. However, for the second year in a row, I remained alone. Wondering if he was alright, if he missed me, and if his heart had been broken yet.

Before I melted into a puddle of tears, I whipped out my phone and pulled up his icon in my contacts. What do I say? Do I still have the right to call him “son?” Not exactly, not after what I’d said, what I’d done. Tapping my fingers on the screen for a moment, I almost chickened out. But this was important; he needed to understand I still cared. No matter what else had happed that hadn’t changed. I typed, “Happy Birthday” and added a little cake emoji beside it. Then I hit send before I changed my mind. Lame, I know.

He’s fourteen today, almost grown. And has lived with those people for over a year now. I squeezed the phone for a second, debating if I dared to take a quick peek at a few old photos. Oh, goodness, that would be way too much for me to handle. I’d sent him a quick note when I’d made my rash decision to move, hoping beyond hope he’d answer. Telling him where I planned to go, that I would always be there for him, and that he could call or text any time. I’d so wanted him to reply. To beg me not to leave him or plead with me to take him with me to this new place. Nothing. Radio silence as it had been since the day I dropped him off.

A few minutes later, the bus driver returned. Still, I clutched my phone, waiting for a ding saying I’d received a response. To be honest, no way there would ever be one. Not after all this time, all the harsh words we’d said. I shoved my phone in my pack like I’d been caught cheating in school, my face burning.

“I’ve got a cab waiting outside for you, okay?” Without stopping to ensure my agreement, he began picking up my luggage again.

Not saying a word, I shuffled along behind him to a car waiting by the curb near the main entrance. Everything was too much to handle. My head throbbed, my whole body hurt, and my heart ached beyond measure. Expressing my feelings an impossibility, and no confidant in sight even if I could.

The lyrics, “I was born in a small town, and I can breathe in a small town, gonna die in this small town,” kept running through my head, but the words of this song were no longer true. I’d thrown away everything and would now die in a city. Yup, I’d stepped way out of line, and I didn’t want to even try to do what everyone expected of me anymore. So much more unforgivable than anything else I’d ever done in my life.

Over the years, those oh-so-many big and small sins I found myself always committing were fodder for so much disappointment and gossip. But what drove me to consider this drastic move in the first place? Those sins alone? No, not entirely. In fact, the answer was something much bigger.

I’d dared to dream of something more than being stuck in the same rut forever and had left my tiny cocoon of a world. And now I stood here suffocating. No way could I ever fix this mess I’d landed in. I should’ve learned my lesson the first time I’d tried something along these lines in my younger days. The grass is never greener - doesn’t matter where you go.

Once I settled into the backseat of the cab, the young man behind the wheel asked, “Where to, ma’am?”

I stared at the back of his head as I gave him the address. Those simple little words directed him to a place I hoped and dreamed to transform into my new home. A house I’d bought sight unseen in what for all the world felt like another lifetime, but in fact, was only a short time ago. Yes, I’d seen a bad grainy photo or two of the structure in an ad. Nothing to give me a great idea of what I would walk into.

However, the words “handyman special” in the ad were all I needed to hear. I’d paid for the place in cash through an unquestioning real estate agent I’d found online. You gotta understand how grateful I was for that. I didn’t want a grilling about anything.

“Do you know where that is?” My words as polite as possible. After all, this is a big city; he couldn’t know every nook and cranny. This wasn’t my opinion alone. Every demographical website known to man listed it among the top hundred cities in the country. And it was the only real city I’d ever been in for more than a minute. No, I didn’t travel much, or to be frank, at all. I’m the very definition of a homebody.

“Uhm, lady…” He coughed and then started again, “Do you know where that is?” He began to tap on the steering wheel with his long, skinny fingers.

What a strange thing to ask. Why would I have a clue? My legs started to twitch as they often did when I’m nervous and upset. “No.” My heart fluttered, and my throat closed around the word I’d managed to choke out.

“Maybe you want to go somewhere else?” He turned a tiny bit in the seat to gawk at me. His deep black eyes matched his hair, his skin as white as the proverbial ghost. The small bit of his t-shirt visible to me faded and worn. Hard to tell what color it had started as, dark blue or purple perhaps. This poor young man couldn’t make much at this job. My heart cried out in pain for a man I’d just met. Every inch of me wanted to invite him home for a proper meal.

“I don’t understand.” I looked right into his eyes, trying to figure out why he acted this way. Did he question all of his passengers about their personal affairs? Okay, time to muster up what little courage might still be left in my tank. Taking in a deep breath, I huffed out, “I gave you the address of my house. The key was overnighted to me, no problem. Not like any of this is your business.”

I squeezed my hands into tight little balls, and then breathed out a slow, measured lungful of air as I released my grip. Exhaustion filled me. I didn’t want to have this argument. This man needed to take me where I asked, and I wanted him to do it quick before I passed out.

“I think it would, uhm…I think you would want to go to a motel first. Drop off your luggage, maybe? Then go to this address after a late lunch?” His finger scratched the corner of his eye. “Or tomorrow morning?”

Oh, I so didn’t need this right now. Every inch of me began to melt into the seat. This man had somehow sensed my mistake. No, no more doubts. The only path for me lay here, at this house. “No, please take me where I asked to go.” I almost wagged my finger at him and stopped myself in the nick of time. I didn’t want to come off sounding like his mother.

He didn’t say another word as he started to drive. I snuggled into the seat as we went further and further into the city. Past the tall office buildings of the downtown area. Past what could only be an industrial area with boxy buildings and semi-trucks galore. Past a strip mall, fast food places, well you get the idea. Amazing to think there might be more businesses in this town alone than in my entire home state.

At last, we arrived. He pulled to the curb by an abandoned building that sat in a sea of structures as decayed as the one I stared up at. The house stood on weak, wooden pillars which appeared to be sinking into the sandy soil. The front porch leaned to one side, one post bent and broken. The faded wooden siding in desperate need of a paint job. In addition, all the windows were boarded up with huge sheets of battered plywood. A jungle of weeds surrounded the entire property. They beat at the sides of the house in such a way that the walls appeared to shake. From my position in the car, I couldn’t spot the roof, but it would surely leak under the lightest of sprinkles. The whole structure remained standing by some miracle, hanging on by a thread for some time by the looks of things.

And I’d pictured it exactly like this during those long hours I’d been riding across the country on that dumb bus.

Yup, “special” described it well.