My Journey to Freedom [Book One] from abuse, codependency, faulty beliefs about Christianity, to a personal encounter with the Unconditional Love of God

Introduction to Book One

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

I’ve made so many wrong choices in my life, made so many stupid mistakes - haven’t we all. I would give anything if I could press ‘rewind’ and ‘do over’. I realize, as I sit here looking at the dust on the skeletons in my closet, that my life story is not a pretty picture. I know I can’t turn the pages of a ‘choose your own adventure’ book, go back and make a different choice and see where I would be today. So, all I can do is embrace ‘me,’ the good, the bad and the ugly and turn it over to God, my heavenly Father, my higher power, so He can take ‘my ugly’ and turn it into something beautiful for someone else. Maybe you too can learn from my mistakes and make a choice to walk down a different road. I hope so.

MY JOURNEY TO FREEDOM from abuse, codependency, faulty beliefs about Christianity to a personal encounter with the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF GOD [Book One] will focus on the time period from April 1970, one month before my sixteenth birthday, to April 1980, one month before my twenty-sixth birthday. On April 18, 1970, I walked down the aisle at a Faith at Work Conference, invited Jesus into my heart and gave my life to God. On April 25, 1980, I renounced Christianity as I knew it, had a personal encounter where I received an invitation to become a disciple of Jesus, was baptized in the Holy Spirit, and introduced to my heavenly Father.

MY JOURNEY TO FREEDOM from guilt, shame and trying to be ‘good enough,’ to living and resting in the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF GOD [Book Two] will focus on lessons learned as a new creature in Christ, a baby Christian, learning to walk as one led by the Holy Spirit, as a born-again, spirit-filled daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. (See more details about this book which will be released in 2022 at the end of this one.)

If I knew then what I know now …

… I would not have wasted so many years trying to be a ‘good’ Christian instead of learning how to let Jesus live His life through me

Galatians 2:19-21 What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work. So, I quit being a ‘law man’ so that I could be God’s man [I am inserting ‘woman’ in here for clarity]. Christ’s life showed me how and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me.

The life you see me living is not ‘mine,’ but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily. (The Message Bible - MSG)

If I knew then what I know now …

... I would not have spent so much time getting to know the Bible instead of getting to know Jesus himself, because once I met the author then the book made sense

Philippians 3:7-16 Yet all of the accomplishments that I once took credit for, I’ve now forsaken them, and I regard it all as nothing compared to the delight of experiencing Jesus Christ as my Lord! To truly know him meant letting go of everything from my past and throwing all my boasting on the garbage heap. It’s all like a pile of manure to me now, so that I may be enriched in the reality of knowing Jesus Christ and embrace him as Lord in all of his greatness.

My passion is to be consumed with him and not clinging to my own “righteousness” based in keeping the written Law. My “righteousness” will be his, based on the faithfulness of Jesus Christ - the very righteousness that comes from God. And I continually long to know the wonders of Jesus more fully and to experience the overflowing power of his resurrection working in me. I will be one with him in his sufferings and I will be one with him in his death. Only then will I be able to experience complete oneness with him in his resurrection from the realm of death.

I admit that I haven’t yet acquired the absolute fullness that I’m pursuing, but I run with passion into his abundance so that I may reach the purpose that Jesus Christ has called me to fulfill and wants me to discover. I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however, I do have one compelling focus: I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead. I run straight for the divine invitation of reaching the heavenly goal and gaining the victory-prize through the anointing of Jesus. So let all who are fully mature have this same passion, and if anyone is not yet gripped by these desires, God will reveal it to them. And let us all advance together to reach this victory-prize, following one path with one passion. (The Passion Translation - TPT)

If I knew then what I know now …

... I would not have desired to speak in tongues and walk in the ‘gifts’ of the Spirit more than craving a relationship with the giver of the gifts, the Holy Spirit Himself

Matthew 3:11 “I’m baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama - compared to him I’m a mere stagehand - will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He’s going to clean house - make a clean sweep of your lives. He’ll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he’ll put out with the trash to be burned.” (MSG)

John 14:16-17 And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Savior, the Holy Spirit of Truth, who will be to you a friend just like me - and he will never leave you. The world won’t receive him because they can’t see him or know him. But you will know him intimately, because he will make his home in you and will live inside you. (TPT)

Acts 2:39 For God’s promise of the Holy Spirit is for you and your families, for those yet to be born and for everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself. (TPT)

If I knew then what I know now …

... I would not have lived my life trying to be someone else, feeling inadequate and inferior, rather than embracing the unconditional love of God who created me for His pleasure

Luke 18:9-14 He told his next story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people: “Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: ‘Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people - robbers, crooks, adulterers, or heaven forbid, like this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.’ “Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, ‘God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.’”

Jesus commented, “This tax man, not the other, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you’re going to end up flat on your face, but if you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.” (MSG)

If I knew then what I know now, I would not have ...

... imagined that I could earn God’s love by being ‘good enough,’ or doing ‘good things’ instead of simply opening my heart to receive the gift of His love

Romans 3:21-24 But in our time something new has been added. What Moses and the prophets witnessed to all those years has happened. The God-setting-things-right that we read about has become Jesus-setting-things-right for us. And not only for us, but for everyone who believes in him. For there is no difference between us and them in this.

Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ. (MSG)

If I knew then what I know now I would have understood:

... Jesus is the answer to ALL of life’s problems - individual and worldwide

... It’s not about ‘going’ to church, it’s about learning how to ‘be’ the church

... Both women and men are free from the curse and can receive the Holy Spirit

... My battle is not with flesh and blood, but rather spiritual forces of darkness

... God hates divorce but loves the people living through that nightmare

... Codependency learned in childhood can be the root cause of most adult issues

... As David had to flee from the abuse of Saul, so this may be necessary today

... The roots of misogyny seen today can stem from misunderstanding the Bible

... By not appropriating all that Jesus died for, we crucify him anew each day

... The weight of the world’s problems was never meant to be carried by us

... Jesus came to ‘save’ the world, it’s not our job - all He asked us to do was love

.... Man was not made for the Sabbath, rather the Sabbath was made for man

... Jesus loves children, and we need to teach them how to ‘come to Him’

... If mothers come to know Jesus, children have Jesus seven days a week

... As I take one step in obedience and faith, the next will unfold before me

... Our heavenly Father accepts us as we are, where we are, how we are

... He loves us too much to let us stay where we are, because he wants us to live and love like Jesus

... He works on our defects one at a time, so we need to be patient with ourselves

... and so much more ...

WHAT I believe can change ...

We all know that change itself is the one constant in our ever-evolving world view. So, WHAT I believe can change in a moment because I have listened to an inspired testimony, heard a powerful sermon, read a passage in the Bible, read a book, watched a movie, considered scientific evidence or historical events, and/or have experienced the innocent viewpoint of a child. As for me, I desire to remain open-minded because otherwise I might miss something of eternal consequence that my Heavenly Father really wants me to know and understand today and every day, going forward.

WHO I believe in never changes ...

But one thing I do know for certain is that WHO I believe in never changes.

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is [eternally changeless, always] the same yesterday and today and forever. (Amplified Bible)

And Jesus is NOT confined to the words of the pages of the Holy Bible. He is the Word made flesh who walked among us, and He still speaks and brings life to anyone who is open-minded to receive His life-giving words today.

John 5:39-40 “You search and keep on searching and examining the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and yet it is those [very Scriptures] that testify about Me; and still you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life.” (AMP)

My purpose in writing this book is ...

... not to prove who God is

... nor to prove that God is real

He is more than capable of doing that for Himself:

Ezekiel 36:23 I will vindicate the holiness of My great name which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know [without any doubt] that I am the Lord,” says the Lord God, “when I prove Myself holy among you in their sight.” (AMP)

Furthermore, I have been cautioned by Holy Spirit to encourage anyone reading this book that this is my story - yours might be very different and that’s okay.

During my encounter with the unconditional love of God, and since then, His message is very profound and yet simple ...

Our heavenly Father has given both you and me our names, our gifts, our talents, our personalities and all He wants us to do is be ‘ourselves.’ He has a purpose and plan for our lives that we will miss if we are trying to be someone else. We are more than enough. We are deeply loved, highly favored and greatly blessed by our Creator, Higher Power, Almighty God.

This book is written hand-in-hand with Holy Spirit ...

When I started to put pen to paper, I felt strongly that my part was to write my story, and the Holy Spirit’s role would be to teach both you and me. Believe me, I have been more surprised than anyone with some of the truths He has taught me as I wrote this book. When He gave me the title headings, my mind would be filled with ideas and scriptures that I thought should be in the chapter. I would be ‘chomping at the bit’ to write and Holy Spirit would ask me not to because there was too much of ‘me’ that would influence the direction of the chapter ... and so I waited.

I had to learn how to write as directed by Holy Spirit. First, He instructed me to just sit and write my thoughts according to the title given to me for the first chapter. At the end of this exercise, I expressed my disgust and discouragement confiding in Holy Spirit that I felt what I wrote was lifeless and boring and that no one would want to read what I had written. He said to me, “That’s okay, now I will take what you have written, and I will turn it into something that not only will people want to read, but the words within these pages will transform their hearts and minds.”

So, we began to put this book together. The chapters are my stories in somewhat chronological order with scriptures and/or other quoted material to support the text. Sometimes I would find myself stepping into His role - making a statement that would cement the lesson I had learned so my reader would understand. Almost immediately, I would find myself unable to write. It’s as if someone had turned off the tap and my thoughts simply stopped flowing. Then I would remove the sentence where I had over-stepped, and the thoughts would start flowing again.

1 John 2:27 But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true - it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ. (The Living Bible - TLB)