Unstuck: Rescuing yourself from Unresolved Grief

First 10 pages of Unstuck: Rescuing Yourself from Unresolved Grief by Jane Carstens

Introduction

When people learn what has happened in my life they usually become uncomfortable and shield their discomfort with clichés. You’ve probably heard many of these before: Time heals all wounds; What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; God doesn’t give you more than you can handle; Everything happens for a reason; It was their time; God needed them more; They were too good for this world; and so on.

These phrases have no substance and evaporate as soon as they are said, but the fact so many people automatically roll them out shows that grief is still an awkward subject. It’s also a certainty that everyone will face it at some point in their life.

I’ve had three separate grief events and consequently read dozens of books about grief. Most of them were unhelpful. They usually reinforced my “right” to keep grieving “as long as I need” and advised me to move forward “when I am ready”. That may work for some people, but there are many others who are not able to take the first step forward, or who even know how to do it, because they are stuck in a kind of twilight zone from unresolved grief. Their grief and emotional pain eventually become a perverse comfort zone or dysfunctional connection to the person(s) they have lost, or to a difficult situation. They consequently hold onto their pain tightly, even when it negatively impacts their life.

My observation is that people who are stuck are usually struggling with emotions such as sorrow, guilt, remorse, resentment, anger, shame, blame, despair, bitterness and regret, which are directed at themselves and at other people. They are not able to let these emotions go or are fearful of letting them go, and don’t have the headspace, energy or inclination to move forward. These emotions are incredibly destructive and must be resolved. It is essential to make peace with yourself and with your past and make a conscious decision to become unstuck and move forward. Believe me, I know. I was stuck for a while by the paralysing effects of long-term accumulated unresolved grief.

One of my two brothers was killed in a car accident when he was just 25 years old. My mother became incapacitated from a brain tumour a couple of years later, and was then cared for at home for almost eight years by my incredible father. Mum was able to dance at my wedding (just), but died a few months before my first child was born. I went on to have two more children before my father was diagnosed with advanced cancer. He died within months of his diagnosis.

My father’s death was when the wheels really fell off for me. I was still grieving for my brother and mother, and struggling with being a young motherless mother. Dad’s diagnosis and death were further huge blows. I just didn’t cope with these cumulative losses and became stuck. I remained stuck for a number of years.

The bittersweet turning point came when my remaining living brother was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I could feel myself spinning out of control at the thought of losing him too. After some soul searching I realised I was stuck by unresolved grief, and this was the catalyst for change. I also recognised the negative effect my response to grief was having on my family, and on my health. I also recognised change was necessary. And I finally recognised I had to rescue myself. No one else could do this for me.

I resolved to transform the way I thought about the past, and to find a way forward. I realised changing my mindset was the key. It wasn’t an easy process, but it was a conscious decision to become unstuck. Once I emerged from my twilight zone, I realised how many other people are stuck.

Why did I write this book?

The mindset change that resolved my grief had knock-on effects into every other part of my life. My family and others immediately noticed the transformation in me. They could see the joy in my face again. My health improved, I started exercising every day, and I had more energy.

I also started writing down my experience for my three daughters. The writing process helped me crystallise how I had viewed my grief, and how changing my worldview had been the first step to becoming unstuck.

When people asked me about the changes they could see, I told them I had “let go of my grief”, and this prompted many of them to share their own experience of unresolved grief with me. I consequently realised this book could benefit others as well. This is because at the end of the day I just wanted (and needed) to read a book written by someone who had faced similar challenges to me, and who would deliver straight-talking advice about resolving their grief. I didn’t find one, and this is the book I needed to read all those years ago.

Who is this book for?

It is written for my daughters so they can understand my life, and learn from my experiences of becoming stuck and then finding my way back.

I also hope other people who are stuck because of unresolved grief will benefit from my experience. You might:

• be blaming yourself or others for your pain
• feel angry with the world or with another person
• feel an ongoing sense of helplessness and despair
• be stuck on the “not fair”, “if only” and “what if” roundabouts
• be waiting for the time to feel right or for a sign from the universe to move forward
• feel like you don’t have permission from other people in your life to move forward
• want to stay stuck so people keep acknowledging your pain or because it provides you with an emotional connection to who you have lost
• be waiting for someone to rescue you
• not even realise you are stuck because your grief has become a habit and a way of life.

The reason you are stuck doesn’t matter as much as the reason to become unstuck.

You will get your life back.

This book may be different to other books about grief you have read, and to advice you have heard before. It is written through the lens of my life and my experience, and from my observations and conversations with others.

Grief may be a delicate topic but this book is not filled with gentle affirmations. I have also avoided loading it with inspirational quotes, and instead used just the few that resonated with me. This is because when you are stuck, you can read affirmations and inspirational quotes every day, but the meanings are soon forgotten or ignored because of the mindset that tells you “they don’t apply to my situation”. I have not used the word “victim” in this book either because it is a word that can back you into a corner the moment it is said. There is also a strong focus on the importance and power of forgiveness, including understanding that it isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept.

This book is not intended for the recently bereaved. They need gentleness, kindness, understanding and compassion as they negotiate their new reality from their (hopefully temporary) grief-induced twilight zone.

It is also not intended for people whose grief is so overwhelming that they cannot function on a daily basis or have suicidal thoughts. They should urgently seek professional help and support.

What does being stuck mean?

It means being unable to view the present or the future with a consistently positive mindset due to the paralysing negative effects of unresolved grief.

What does changing your mindset mean?

Your mindset is how you perceive yourself, others and the world, and influences how you navigate and respond to different situations. Changing your mindset means changing from a negative to a positive worldview. It doesn’t mean finding positives in a heartbreaking situation or being upbeat 24/7. It means understanding that you can control your response to every situation, including not getting stuck by entrenched negative thoughts and emotions from the past. This is an essential part of becoming unstuck. It is the fundamental step required to move forward again.

What does moving forward mean?

It means deciding to reconcile and make peace with what has happened in the past, and then focusing on the present and the future.

It doesn’t mean just getting over it, snapping out of it, putting on a brave face or forgetting about the past. You have a unique grief fingerprint and emotional scar tissue that will be with you for life.

Moving forward encompasses changing the way you think and recognising the power of your thoughts. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (Mahatma Ghandi), an Anti-War Activist, summed it up well when he said:

Your beliefs become your thoughts, 


Your thoughts become your words, 


Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny.

Chapter 1 –Stuck

Despite what it represents, grief serves a purpose. It initially enables the importance of our normal routine tasks to fade into the background so our mind can focus on dealing with the traumatic situation at hand. It is like being cocooned in a personal twilight zone. Some people emerge from this twilight zone and find a way to move forward themselves; but many don’t and become stuck from unresolved grief. Being stuck becomes their new normal, and the outcome can be ongoing negative emotions and behaviours that affect their mental and physical health, and their relationships with those around them.

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Some synonyms for stuck include fixed, fastened, attached, glued and pinned. Think about what these words mean.

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When my Dad was dying I tried to spend as much time with him as I could. But it was difficult. I had three very young children to care for and my husband was working in another city all week. My friends also had children who were very young, so I didn’t want to ask them to look after my three as well. Although I visited Dad almost every day at the hospital and then hospice, I felt a lot of guilt and regret that I wasn’t able to sit with him for long stretches at a time. I also wanted to be there with him at the end, but left the hospice just two hours before he died because I didn’t think it was imminent. I felt like I had let him down, and the ongoing waves of guilt and regret that kept washing over me were my triggers for eventually becoming stuck. If I could have given myself advice at that time with the benefit of hindsight it would have been:

You did the best you could. Dad was well looked after at the hospital and then hospice, and you took him to your house on a few occasions for the day so you could spend more time with him and he could spend time with his grandchildren. Your first priority was your three young children. Dad understood that. You couldn’t have done more than you did with the cards you were dealt at that time. Dad also knew he was loved and cherished to the end.

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Unresolved grief is often underpinned by a mindset of helplessness, despair and regret.

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Synonyms for unresolved include pending, unanswered, undecided, undetermined, unsettled, unsolved, betwixt and between. This is clearly not a healthy state to be in, especially when it relates to long-term grief.

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You might have ongoing feelings of guilt or shame because you felt relieved when a person finally died after struggling with a prolonged debilitating illness, or if they were incapacitated or in a lot of pain. It’s perfectly OK to feel a sense of relief and perhaps a sense of freedom. A weight is lifted off your shoulders.

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After watching my mother struggle with cancer for eight long years, I was relieved for both of us when she died. The brutal daily grind of being fed by a tube, and balancing pain medication with consciousness was over for her, and while I was grieving, I didn’t have to watch her struggle anymore, and that was a relief. If I could have given myself advice at that time with the benefit of hindsight it would have been:

Your heart is breaking now but you will be OK. It is reasonable to have felt relieved when Mum died because she struggled for a long time, was completely incapacitated towards the end, and in pain. You also have a baby to prepare for and you need to focus on the baby’s needs and on your own. You gave Mum everything you had – emotionally and physically. You will look back and be thankful you had such a strong bond with her and realise how much of her is in you. You will also proudly tell the three daughters who are in your future just how wonderful she was, and they will know her in their own way. It’s going to be tough for a while, but keep getting up and showing up, and one day you will be the happiest you have ever been in your life. Mum gave you your life; embrace it.

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Grief, regret, shame and guilt often hunt as a pack.

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The rest of the world doesn’t stop while you get yourself together, and that’s a good thing. You need the world’s general indifference to your pain and situation to help you to start moving forward again.

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Everyone will experience grief. It’s an inescapable part of life. Everyone’s situation will be different, and how they deal with it will be different. It is not a cookie-cutter situation. I responded differently to each of my grief events.

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Every person has a unique grief fingerprint.

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OK, they died, but you didn’t. How do you think they would feel if they knew their death suspended your life? If you had to look them in the eye and tell them you threw yourself on the scrap heap? It’s not honouring or respecting them if you throw your life and opportunities away.

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There can be the vicious situation of roller-coaster grief. This is when someone has an illness and they simply fade away over many years. Every time you find a new normal, the ground shifts again when the next level of deterioration is reached, and you experience acute grief all over again while still coping with cumulative grief related to the overall situation. There is no easy or painless way out of this. It’s brutal for everyone involved. You have to get up, show up, be present, and recognise that the only aspect you can completely control is your reaction and response. Understanding that you can’t change the past or the present is a vital part of this. You have to take care of yourself physically and emotionally over the long haul. You must also keep moving forward with your life outside of this situation, including feeling joyful when good things happen in other aspects of your life.

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You may have experienced tragedy,

but that doesn’t mean your life must be a tragedy.

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You can’t move forward if you are always looking backwards.

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Feeling guilty about being alive when another person died is destructive thinking. Feeling guilty that you didn’t do something for them, tell them you loved them often enough or spend more time with them when they were alive, is pointless. Guilt creates internal conflict, and you need to settle that skirmish once and for all. You can’t change the past. Time only travels forward. There is no rewind button.

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Synonyms for guilt include remorse, regret and shame. Think about how these emotions will mess with your mindset.

Antonyms for guilt include happiness, honour, pride and respect.

These represent a healthier mindset.

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You may feel an undercurrent of sorrow that a person who died didn’t meet future family members, witness or take part in important milestones or events, or weren’t there for you when you needed or wanted them. You can’t change the fact they are not here because they are not coming back, but you can change how you deal with it. Wishing for a different reality will exhaust you mentally and physically.

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Pouring energy into the past through feelings such as grief, sorrow, regret, guilt and anger won’t change it. They will have zero effect on what has happened, but they can have a significant impact on what will happen to you in the future (if you let them).

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Pining for the past prevents you from living in the present, and then creating your future.

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You can present an “I’m OK” exterior to the world, but if your inner self is a swirling sea of toxic emotions then you will remain stuck. You have to find inner peace to move forward, and that means dealing with the past.

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Life is not fair. Never was, never will be.

Understanding that will save you a lot of heartache.

No one is dealt the exact same hand.

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I remember the morning two police officers came to our house to inform our family my brother had been killed in a car accident the previous night. They knocked on our door at 3am, and I was the person who heard their knocking and let them into the house. The ashen-faced officers asked to speak to my parents, and once they determined they were my brother’s next of kin, told them their son had been involved a car accident the previous evening. My parents immediately asked if he was OK, and then one officer said these words. “I am sorry to inform you that your son was killed in the accident.” What happened next was an outpouring of raw grief, disbelief, helplessness and shock. Our world imploded. The emotional pain was brutal. I didn’t know how to process that information. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the next hour, let alone the rest of my life. If I could have given myself advice at that time with the benefit of hindsight it would have been:

You will feel like your life has ended too. It will never be the same again. You will struggle to comprehend a world without your brother’s physical presence. You will feel intense anger and frustration at the senseless waste of his life. But you need to get up each day, put one foot in front of the other and keep going because you still have your whole life ahead of you. It will be brutal at first, but you will adjust to a new normal. There is hope and happiness in your future.

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You can escape the place the event occurred, the city, the state and even the country. You can go on holidays, bury yourself in your work, block it out of your mind, move to a different house, use drugs or alcohol and take risks so you feel like you are living on the edge, but these only provide temporary escapes and not long-term solutions. Unresolved grief eventually catches up with you, and supressed memories, names and places start creeping back into your consciousness. You must deal with your grief by coming to terms with what has happened. There is nowhere to hide. You have to make peace with the past.

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