Lizann Lightfoot

Mail Call

Open When You Need This Book

New to Military Life: Hey There!

My Story: Did I Sign Up for This?

Open When…

Your Lover Is in Basic Training

You’re Dating Long Distance

No One Understands Military Life

You Want to Get Married

You’re Planning a Military Wedding

You Become a “Dependent”

You Visit a Military Installation the First Time

It Feels Like You Have No Friends

You Spend Your First Night Alone

You’re Looking for a Job

You Have Questions About Housing

You Need a Budget

You’re Going to Your First Military Ball

Ups and Downs: Handle with Care

My Story: Big News on a Post-it Note

Open When …

The Military Throws You Curve Balls

You Celebrate Your Birthday Alone

You’re Angry at the Military

You Love Military Life

You Have Trouble Sleeping

You Miss Important Family Events

You're Thinking About Having a Baby

You Want to Go Back to School

You’ve Been Insulted

You Don’t Feel Welcome

You Feel Disconnected From Military Life

You’re Envious of Other Couples

You Feel Out of Control

Your Service Member Is Injured

You Want to Pray

Moving: Changes of Address

My Story: When Does the Fun Begin?

Open When…

You’re Making Your First Military Move

You Want to Plan a Smooth Move

You Get Orders You Don’t Want

You May Have to Live Apart

You Get Orders to Move Overseas

It’s Time to Clean Out All the Stuff

Your Orders Change on Short Notice

You’re Thinking About a DITY Move

You Say Goodbye to a Home You Love

Your Kids Don’t Want to Move

You Have a Long Drive Ahead

Something Precious Is Lost or Broken

Starting Over Is Hard

You Need Friends in a New Place

Your Child Struggles at a New School

You’re Stuck in Temporary Housing with Kids

You’re Adjusting to Life in Another Country

You’re Grieving Your Last Duty Station

Deployment: Sealed with a Kiss

My Story: Alone in the Storm

Open When…

You First Learn About Deployment Orders

You Want to Feel Prepared

It’s Time to Tell Your Children

You Will Give Birth Without Your Spouse

You’re Thinking About Relocating During Deployment

Pre-Deployment Trainings Exhaust You

You Don’t Understand Why You’re Arguing

It’s Time to Say Goodbye

Everything Is Falling Apart

You Want to Trust Your Loved One

You Miss a Phone Call

It Seems You Never Get to Talk

You Want to Set Goals

You’ll Be Apart on a Special Occasion

You Have Little Ones Who Need You

The Kids Are Acting Out

You Hit the Deployment Wall

You’re Planning Post-Deployment Leave

Family Members Want to Be at Homecoming

It’s Almost Time for Homecoming

When the Road to Reintegration is Bumpy

Seasoned Spouses: Rerouting

My Story: Retirement was Almost in Sight

Open When...

You’re Tired of Military Life

You’re the Seasoned Spouse

Your Child Leaves the Military Nest

It's Time to Leave Active Duty

Letter to Myself

Acknowledgments

Open When You Need this Book

Love is powerful, and it will change you. When you love someone in the military, it will change your life: the way you live it, where you live it, and even the way you view the world.

Pullquote: Love is powerful, and it will change you. When you love someone in the military, it will change your life: the way you live it, where you live it, and even the way you view the world. End quote

You have opened this book because you love someone who is serving in the military. Maybe you are new to military life. If so, consider this your warm welcome to this community! Perhaps you are a girlfriend, boyfriend, engaged, married, or other close relationship with your service member. No matter how you define or describe your relationship now, if you choose to spend your life with a service member, your life will never be the same. There are a few things you will want to know … okay, maybe a few thousand.

Most people begin military life with a lot of confusion, not knowing what questions to ask or where to find answers. I know I did. I love someone in the military too. My husband, Dan, is a member of the United States Marine Corps, and for the past twenty years, I’ve been a participant in military life alongside him. From girlfriend, to fiancée, to wife and mother, I have been by my Marine’s side through thick and thin.

If someone tried to tell you everything you need to know about military life all at once it would be overwhelming. The good news is you don’t need to know everything all at once. You and your service member will learn from each experience as you go, often with help from friends you make along the way. You will face plenty of challenges together and discover the many rewards of military life. There may be a long journey ahead of you, but you only have to take one step at a time.

From time to time, you will need a word of encouragement, a little light in the dark, a friendly reminder, or simply the reassurance that you are not, in fact, losing your mind. That’s why I wrote the letters in this book, to offer encouragement and reassurance that speak to the moments of military life, because I’ve been there too. I know it helps to hear you’re not alone, that your feelings and concerns about military life are quite normal, and that there are good reasons to overcome the negative and focus on the positive.

Each letter from me to you is there ready for you to open when you need it. Perhaps you have written “open when” letters—messages to be saved and read on a certain event or occasion—for a friend or loved one, or someone has written them for you. Open when letters are popular among military couples who expect limited communication during a deployment. They might not have dependable access to email, text messages, or video chats on special occasions or difficult days; so before the deployment, they write a collection of letters, sealed and marked with the day they are to be opened. Some might be for a special day: “Open When It’s Your Birthday.” Others may meet a particular need: “Open When You’re Lonely.” Tucked into the service member’s luggage or left behind for the spouse at home, each letter offers a loving and personal message when needed most.

That’s what this collection of letters is meant to be for you: messages for specific days and challenges in military life from someone who cares and understands. A letter from me to you, to open when you need it. Read a letter when you face a situation you’re not sure about. When you’re not sure what to do. Not sure how to feel. Not sure who you can talk to about it.

Each letter stands on its own as an encouraging pep talk or a reassuring hug for a specific situation. Use the Mail Call (table of contents) to find the letter that speaks to what you’re going through. You can read the letters one at a time or by section, for example when you’re gearing up for a deployment or a big move. Each group of letters begins with a glimpse into my story, a vignette from my own military life journey, so my experiences can help you navigate yours.

No matter what stage of military life you are in right now, this book is for you—in good times and in bad. I hope it will be a source of encouragement and hope, a reminder that you are up to the challenge.

Some days military life may be a heavy burden, one that’s too heavy for you to pick up and carry on your own. Any burden becomes lighter when it is shared, military friend. This book is a constant reminder that you are part of a caring community of military family members, including me.

These are my letters to you, to offer you hope and confidence on your journey. You are strong. You can do this, and above all, you are not alone—we are in this together!

Love,

Lizann

New to Military Life: Hey There!

My Story: Did I Sign Up for This?

The little wooden tiles on the Marine recruiter’s desk said “Education,” “Job Security,” and “Meaningful Career.” The recruiter was arranging the tiles on the desk, talking to my boyfriend, Dan, about all the reasons he should join the United States Marine Corps. I was nineteen years old and had come to the recruiter’s office with Dan, but I wasn’t included in the conversation. Instead, the recruiter turned on a motivational video for me to watch while he told Dan about all the perks of a military career. The video I watched showed the challenges of Marine Corps basic training, culminating in something called “The Crucible.” The film was all about the pride of becoming a Marine.

The video and the recruiter were emphasizing honor, courage, and commitment. But inside, I didn’t feel any of that. I felt scared, confused, and overwhelmed. Dan and I had been dating for about a year, and we were discussing marriage. For most of that year, we had been apart. I was in college, and he was a few hours away, working and waiting to be accepted at the local police academy. I had already been wondering whether I was cut out to be a police wife. Then, a clerical error derailed Dan’s police academy application, and the next thing I knew we were at the Marine recruiter’s office.

The prospect of military life was way too much to process or absorb. I didn’t have any family members in the military. I had only ever met one military family—a high school friend whose home I had sometimes visited. I didn’t know what questions to ask. I had no idea what to expect. I tried to understand Dan’s decision and how it would impact me if we got married, but I had no idea what I was getting into.

Even if I had been able to process the possibilities on that summer day in 2001, it wouldn’t have mattered. Everything changed with the terrorist attacks on September 11. By then, Dan had signed his papers and was about to go to boot camp. We and the rest of the country were thrown abruptly into a war-time environment. For anyone like me, who loved someone in the military, the effect was life changing.

The next few years were a complete emotional whirlwind for us. While I finished college, my Marine completed boot camp and deployed to Iraq three times in back-to-back combat deployments. We planned to get married, but the military kept throwing obstacles in our way. As the challenges piled on, I didn’t have the tools or resources to help me navigate them.

On my college campus, I didn’t know anyone else dating someone in the military. I also didn’t know much about long distance relationships, and I knew even less about combat deployments. I felt simultaneously proud of Dan and terrified for his safety. I cried when some people, who viewed me as a representative of the military or the government’s military decisions, singled me out to share their political opinions and grievances.

At the same time, I was isolated from the military community. Dan was stationed on the other side of the country and was deployed much of that time, so I rarely spent any time on his base. During those years, I struggled alone, wondering if our relationship would be able to survive military life.

Confusion and bewilderment are common for most of us when we first begin a relationship with a service member or learn our beloved wants to join the military. If you’ve picked up this book, you have probably choked back some of those feelings. Military life has many giant unknown question marks, and each person’s experience is different.

Pullquote: Military life has many giant unknown question marks, and each person’s experience is different. You probably already know military life involves frequent moves and deployments and time spent apart, but you won’t know how any of those feel or how you will handle them until you experience them. End quote

You probably already know military life involves frequent moves and deployments and time spent apart, but you won’t know how any of those feel or how you will handle them until you experience them. Even if you grew up as a military child, your experience as a spouse, fiancé, boyfriend, or girlfriend will be completely different. With military life, as with any life, no one knows exactly what they are getting into until they are in it.

So, it’s okay if you feel confused or overwhelmed even before you get there. I did too. Yet somehow, despite the challenges, and regardless of my lack of a support network in those early days, my Marine and I found a way forward. We got married after dating for seven years. In more than two decades of military life together, we have experienced plenty of surprises and frustrations. We have always leaned on each other and come back to what we know to be true: we love each other, and our love is strong enough to overcome the challenges.

During those early years, when I often felt alone, I didn’t know I was learning the skills to help me survive as a military spouse. I learned independence. I learned how to communicate with him across great distances. I learned to define myself by who I am, not by my employment status. And more importantly, I learned the powerful potential within the military community.

After years of feeling isolated in military life and during deployments, I developed a passion to support others who are living this life. Loving someone in the military carved out a piece of my heart, a space that will always be open to other military loved ones. You may feel alone, but no one has to go through military life without help. In these letters, I hope you will find encouragement, hope, and guidance—encouraging words just when you need them most.

As you read, I hope you will remember you are not alone, because we are all in this together.

Open When Your Lover Is in Basic Training

Dear Military Loved One,

For you and your service member, basic training may be the first time you have been apart. Basic military training, also called boot camp, basic combat training, or officer training depending on the service branch and enlisted or officer track, is the initial training phase for your loved one as a newly recruited military member. Depending on the service branch, basic training lasts from seven to twelve weeks. During basic training, recruits or trainees are usually not allowed to leave the training area or have visitors. This means you will not see your loved one until they graduate from basic training. Additionally, communication, even with family, is limited. Typically, trainees are not allowed to have personal phones or computers with them at basic training. Limited phone calls are allowed on an official phone line, but only at certain times determined by the training schedule, not by personal preference. When you and your loved one are used to being able to call or text whenever you want, the sudden silence can be a huge shock.

Having limited communication with someone you love can feel both frustrating and lonely. In the modern age, where we are used to instant responses, the lack of communication can make you feel both helpless and offended. You may find yourself staring at the phone on weekends, wondering if they will able to call. When you are feeling invisible, remember that this is a unique time for your relationship to grow. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is sometimes true. When you spend time apart, you will learn what you miss the most about your love and the little ways they brighten your day. You will also have time to focus on yourself. Spend time with friends and family and nurture healthy relationships with classmates or coworkers. Pursue a hobby or creative project you never had time to try. During basic training, you are dipping your toe into the confusing waters of military life. This is a good time to test those waters. As you learn the challenges, you will start to form your own coping strategies and support network.

When your loved one arrives at the training location, which will be on a military installation, they may be granted one quick call to check in and tell you their mailing address. Be ready to write it down! It may be a few weeks before you receive the next phone call or even a letter from your loved one, but you can begin sending cards or letters right away. Different branches have different rules about what you are allowed to send trainees during basic training. Be sure to check and follow the regulations for your loved one’s unit. Some allow only flat letters or envelopes with no additional food or comfort items. Others allow care packages with snacks, first aid supplies, and photos. Disregarding these rules will only cause your loved one embarrassment or trouble. You may have a personality that does not mind being singled out for attention, but in basic training attention is never a positive thing, personally or professionally. This time of intense training is the beginning of your loved one’s career, so it’s important to follow any regulations or guidelines in place.

In every service branch, this initial training period is demanding and challenging both physically and mentally. Your loved one will experience a structured schedule of strenuous physical training, field exercises, and classroom time. Personal time—even for sleeping—will be limited. The purpose of this intense training period is to develop a sense of mission and team unity. In the end, your loved one will have every right to be extremely proud of their accomplishments.

Because of the physical and mental demands already on your loved one, keep your letters and any communication encouraging and upbeat. Remind them of your love and confidence in them. Reassure them that you want them to do their best. If you can’t think of anything else to write, share a poem or the lyrics of a favorite song. The more mail you send, the more encouragement they will receive. Especially when communication is limited, every recruit looks forward to mail call. Even a brief note is much appreciated.

You may wonder whether it is okay to be honest with your service member about how lonely you are and how much you miss them. The answer depends a little on the type of relationship you have and how serious it is. Of course, you will miss them, and it’s perfectly acceptable to say so. Let your loved one know how much you look forward to seeing them again. They undoubtedly feel the same way. At the same time, realize they need to stay focused on training and not be too distracted by your relationship or other life events. While it’s important to be honest and to answer direct questions, avoid complaining about your loneliness or anything going wrong during this period, such as car repairs or minor illnesses. During basic training, your service member won’t have the ability to help you through these challenges and will feel more stressed because they are not able to help you. Whenever possible, it is best to handle these situations on your own or with help from family or friends. You may wish to let your service member know after the fact there was a problem, and you were able to handle it. This will be much less distracting to them than sending a long letter about family drama and financial concerns. When you are feeling confused or frightened, try to be strong and supportive for your recruit. When they come home, you can catch them up on all the details. In the meantime, find a friend or family member you can lean on and vent to on bad days.

Another source of help and support are websites and online groups where you can connect with other family members whose loved ones are going through military training at the same time. This may be your first introduction to the military community. It’s so refreshing to meet other military loved ones and families who can relate to your experiences and answer your questions! There may be an official website or social media channels dedicated to your loved one’s training group where the military will announce updates, news, and possibly post photos of the recruits. These are great resources, offering opportunities to learn more about what lies ahead for each of you. This may also be your first introduction to the military community. Reach out and make connections with loved ones and family members of other recruits, if possible.

When basic training is complete, a graduation ceremony marks the accomplishments of the training class. This is a big event where families are invited to attend and celebrate with their new service member. Many branches incorporate a family day, where you may be invited to visit the training location and see your loved one, either before or after the graduation ceremony. Be sure to communicate with your service member’s family to see if they have official graduation information and to coordinate travel plans.

Graduation day is so exciting! But it can also feel confusing visiting a military base and dealing with military rules for the first time. Feel free to ask questions, but also trust the leadership to tell your service member the basic details about family visitors. Planning ahead is essential if you would like to attend your loved one’s graduation. You will need a visitor’s pass to get on the military installation where the graduation takes place. Find out in advance what identification or paperwork is required to obtain a pass. Passes are generally issued at a visitor’s center at the entrance gate of the installation. Nearby hotels are often in demand during graduation, so if you will need a place to stay, make arrangements as early as possible.

After graduation, when your service member returns home, expect them to go through a bit of an adjustment period. For weeks, they have been surrounded by a group and have followed strict rules. It will take time for them to readjust to regular life. Typically, service members prepare to leave for their next level of training very soon if not immediately after graduation. If your service member seems distracted or preoccupied after basic training and graduation, be patient. It doesn’t mean their feelings for you have changed. They are processing a whole new way of life and a new career. With some understanding and patience, you will both get through it. The more you research, ask questions, and reach out to other military family members, the more reassured you will feel about the challenges ahead of you.

For now, celebrate this milestone! You both made it through basic training and are headed for the next step in the journey!