INSIGHTS ON THE SCENE'S OPENING
The opening effectively establishes the protagonist Bobbie Carmichael's voice and perspective with a relatable hook about reactions to a friend's engagement. The author immediately creates a strong, distinctive narrative voice that feels authentic and engaging. Bobbie's self-awareness about her jealousy and her attempts to maintain a brave face during her friend's hen party establish both internal and external conflict right from the start.
The writing style is conversational and witty, with a sharp comedic edge that works well for the contemporary women's fiction genre. The author skillfully balances humour with vulnerability, allowing readers to connect with Bobbie's emotional state while being entertained by her unique perspective. Character development begins immediately, as we learn about Bobbie's single status, her quirky profession as an erotic candle maker, and her ADHD diagnosis, all of which distinguish her as a complex, modern protagonist with a distinct personality.
ACTIONABLE FEEDBACK FOR ENHANCEMENT
Sensory and Figurative Language Opportunities
- In the Airbnb description, there's an opportunity to create more evocative imagery beyond listing features. Instead of just mentioning "a walk-in wardrobe, a basement bar, and a hot tub," consider describing the sensory experience: "The walk-in wardrobe gleamed with polished wood and soft lighting, while the basement bar's crystal decanters caught the light like treasure in a cave."
- When describing the hen party activities, incorporate more sensory details about the atmosphere - the cacophony of laughter, the sticky sweetness of cocktails, the flashing colours of party decorations, etc.
"Show, Don't Tell" Areas
- Instead of directly stating "I always ramble when I'm overstimulated in a social setting," show this through a dialogue exchange where Bobbie speaks at length, jumps between topics, and perhaps gets gentle teasing from friends about it.
- Rather than telling us Lauren has "lips with more filler than a handyman's toolkit," show her repeatedly touching them, wincing when she smiles too broadly, or having trouble drinking from straws.
- Instead of stating that Lola "always has a million clothes and yet nothing to wear," show this through her actions in the moment, with more dialogue and physical movements as she discards outfit after outfit.
Deeper Character Point of View
- Deepen Bobbie's perspective by including more internal reactions to events. For example, when Lola takes her jumpsuit, what specific memories or emotions does this trigger? Does it remind her of other times she's felt second-best?
- Explore Bobbie's feelings about her candle-making business more fully. Is she proud? Embarrassed? Does she see it as a stepping stone to something else, or her life's passion?
- Allow readers more access to Bobbie's thoughts about her single status — not just the surface frustration but deeper fears or hopes she might have.
Additional Writing Elements
- The flashbacks, while entertaining, sometimes interrupt the narrative flow. Consider integrating them more seamlessly or reducing their length to maintain pacing.
- The chapter ends somewhat abruptly with the chef dialogue. Consider a stronger closing beat that reinforces Bobbie's emotional journey or foreshadows coming events.
- There's a wealth of characters introduced quickly - consider giving each a more distinctive trait or speech pattern to help readers distinguish between them.
READER ENGAGEMENT
Hook
- Strength: The opening paragraph about reactions to engagement news immediately establishes both humour and emotional stakes.
- Enhancement: Consider an even more attention-grabbing first line that directly speaks to the core theme of the novel.
Intrigue
- Strength: Bobbie's unique profession creates immediate interest, as does her status as the "last single woman" in her friend group.
- Enhancement: Introduce a more specific element of mystery or anticipation early on - perhaps a hint about a potential love interest or complication at the upcoming wedding.
Pacing
- Strength: The narrative keeps moving through dialogue, scene changes, and character interactions.
- Enhancement: Some of the background exposition slows the forward momentum - consider distributing this information more gradually throughout the chapter.
Dialogue
- Strength: The conversations feel natural and reveal character effectively, especially Bobbie and Lola's friendship dynamic.
- Enhancement: Some dialogue exchanges could be tightened to increase impact, and there are opportunities to give secondary characters more distinctive speech patterns.
SCORE THE SCENE
A) Writing Quality: 7
The writing demonstrates a confident voice with engaging humour and a good grasp of conversational tone. The prose flows well and creates a vivid character voice. To reach a higher score, the author should focus on incorporating more evocative sensory details and varying sentence structure for greater impact.
B) Compelling Characters: 6-7
Bobbie is well-established as a distinctive protagonist with clear motivations and conflicts. Lola comes across as a believable best friend with her own personality. Other characters need more development to move beyond initial impressions. To reach a higher score, deepen the characterization of supporting players and reveal more layers to Bobbie's personality.
C) Storytelling Potential: 7
The premise established in this opening chapter has strong potential for both humor and emotional depth. The tension between celebrating others' milestones while feeling left behind creates a relatable conflict. To reach a higher score, establish clearer stakes and direction for where Bobbie's journey might lead.
This chapter provides a solid foundation in the "Engaging Story" category (4-7), with elements that could push it toward "Masterful Storytelling" with targeted revisions. The voice is the strongest element, while the descriptive imagery and character depth present the greatest opportunities for enhancement.
Please note: The score is our editorial score, not the judges score. This is to give you an idea of where your writing could be placed in a writing contest.
EXAMPLES:
Here are some specific examples for improvements, focusing on key passages from the text with suggested revisions – these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS – your choice if you want to use them or adapt these examples!
SENSORY AND FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE EXAMPLES
Original description of the Airbnb:
"We're staying in an extremely overpriced, although I will admit absolutely stunning Airbnb, complete with all the usual necessities: a walk-in wardrobe (that would fit my entire flat in it twice over), a basement bar, and of course, a hot tub."
Enhanced version:
"We're staying in an extremely overpriced, although I will admit absolutely stunning Airbnb. The marble kitchen gleams under designer pendant lights, while the walk-in wardrobe (which could swallow my entire flat twice over) smells of cedar and privilege. The basement bar's polished surfaces catch the light like gemstones, and of course, there's the hot tub—its steam rising into the evening air like an invitation to bad decisions."
"SHOW, DON'T TELL" EXAMPLES
Instead of:
"I always ramble when I'm overstimulated in a social setting."
Show it with:
"So anyway, I think the caterers should—oh! Did anyone try those little pastry things? They reminded me of what my gran used to make except hers had more cinnamon and—wait, what was I saying? The venue! Right, so the flowers should be..." I caught Lola's amused glance and the slight raise of her eyebrow. "I'm doing it again, aren't I?" I whispered, and she squeezed my hand with an affectionate nod.
Instead of:
"Lauren is the type you wouldn't be surprised to see making an appearance as a Casa Amor bombshell on Love Island. Her lips have got more filler than a handyman's toolkit..."
Show it with:
"Lauren arrived last, wheeling in three matching suitcases, her entrance perfectly timed for maximum attention. She air-kissed Lola, careful to turn her face at precisely the right angle for the inevitable Instagram story. When she smiled, her upper lip remained eerily still, and she winced slightly when she tried to sip her champagne through a straw, missing twice before succeeding."
Lola's clothing dilemma, instead of telling us this is typical:
"Bobs, I haven't got anything to wear," Lola whined, kneeling amid a explosion of fabric—each piece likely costing more than my monthly rent. Her fingers darted from a sequined mini-dress to a jumpsuit to a silk blouse, touching each briefly before discarding it with a dramatic sigh. I couldn't help but flash back to prom, and our girls' trip to Barcelona, and Sarah's wedding last summer—all featuring this exact scene, with Lola somehow ending up in my carefully chosen outfit. I folded my arms and waited for the inevitable.
DEEPER CHARACTER POINT OF VIEW EXAMPLES
Adding internal reactions when Lola takes the jumpsuit:
"Fine, you can wear the jumpsuit, and the shoes, but you're not keeping either of them," I sighed, searching in her makeup bag for the good red lippy.
Enhanced with interior thoughts:
"Fine, you can wear the jumpsuit, and the shoes, but you're not keeping either of them," I sighed, searching in her makeup bag for the good red lippy. The familiar twinge of being second-best settled in my chest—a feeling as comfortable as an old sweater I kept meaning to throw away. I'd spent weeks hunting for that jumpsuit, imagining how it would make me feel: confident, desirable, maybe even the girl someone would notice across a crowded room. But watching Lola's face light up as she admired herself in the mirror, I swallowed the selfish thought. That's the problem with loving someone who shines so brightly—sometimes you cast yourself in shadow just to see them sparkle. "I'm borrowing this," I announced, waving her lipstick like a tiny victory flag.
Deeper perspective on her candle business:
"When customers place orders on my website, they don't just see the product descriptions and saucy names—they don't see the nights I've spent hunched over the kitchen table, fingers burned and back aching, pouring my creativity into each mould. They don't know how I felt the first time someone paid actual money for something I created, or how I still get a flutter of imposter syndrome with each new review. My business might be a punchline at dinner parties, but between those laughs is something I built from nothing—something that's entirely, embarrassingly, wonderfully mine."
STRONGER ENDING EXAMPLE
Instead of ending with the chef dialogue, consider a stronger closing beat:
"Fine, well get some sodding cheddar then," he muttered in a cockney accent.
Outside the local Tesco, I paused under the harsh fluorescent lights, my breath visible in the evening chill. The image of Lola twirling in my jumpsuit—radiant, magnetic, headed for her happily ever after—lingered in my mind. Meanwhile, here I was, running errands for a fake Italian chef, armed with a ten-pound note and a shopping list of inadequate ingredients. I should've felt pathetic, yet something unexpected bubbled up inside me—not jealousy or self-pity, but something that felt dangerously like determination.
Thirty years old, single, with a business built on anatomically correct candles and a dog who was currently better dressed than most of the wedding guests would be. Maybe my story wasn't following the traditional plot line, but it was still being written. And if there's one thing I'd learned from years of crafting phallic sculptures, it's that sometimes the most interesting shapes emerge from the most unexpected molds.
I pushed through the sliding doors, my chin a little higher. Aubergines, tomatoes, and cheddar cheese awaited—hardly the ingredients for a perfect life, but possibly the start of an interesting evening.
These examples should provide concrete ways to implement the enhancement suggestions while maintaining the distinctive voice and humour that are already strengths of the writing.
As mentioned above, these are examples only, but the choice to use them or adapt them is yours.
