Manuscript Critique
Point of View Analysis
The excerpt employs a close third-person limited perspective, alternating between Grace and Paige. This narrative approach works effectively for prose fiction:
- Consistent depth: The narration delves deeply into Grace's internal thoughts and experiences with dementia, allowing readers to empathize with her struggle. However, Paige's section initially feels more surface-level, focusing more on her observations than her emotional state.
- Filter words: Occasional filter words create distance between the reader and characters:
- "She remembered a Ted Talk she had once seen" could be more immediate as "A Ted Talk she'd once seen came to mind."
- "Paige remembered what her parents used to say" could be "Her parents' words echoed: 'You were born middle-aged, Paige.'"
- Thought representation: The narrative sometimes shifts between italicized thoughts, non-italicized internal monologue, and narrative description of thoughts. For consistency, choose one approach for representing character thoughts throughout the manuscript.
Character Voice
Grace
Grace's voice effectively communicates her anxiety, meticulousness, and growing isolation. Her dementia diagnosis shapes her perspective in authentic ways:
- The repetition of "Early. Onset. Dementia." effectively conveys her fixation
- Her interactions with Fluffy create poignant moments showing her loneliness
- The internal monologue during her workday reveals her professional competence contrasted with private fears
Enhancement suggestion: Further distinguish Grace's voice by incorporating more sensory details specific to her perception. For example:
Original:
"The morning in Auckland was cool, with a steel grey sky threatening to erupt at any time."
Enhanced:
"The morning in Auckland was cool—or was it cold? The steel grey sky threatened to erupt, just like the thoughts swirling in her mind. Would she forget her way to work today?"
Paige
Paige's voice comes through as pragmatic, slightly cynical, and observant. Her history of job-hopping and focus on practical concerns establishes her character:
- Her cataloguing of past workplace experiences reveals her analytical nature
- Her internal commentary on workplace norms shows her outsider perspective
- Her preoccupation with her daughter Merin adds emotional depth
Enhancement suggestion: Deepen Paige's voice by connecting her observations more explicitly to her emotional state:
Original:
"She checked her phone again, this time looking at the level of WIFI signal. Still nothing. Paige frowned. Merin had said she would message her after the school assembly."
Enhanced:
"She checked her phone again, this time staring at the WIFI signal bars as if willing them to rise. Still nothing. Paige's stomach tightened. First day at yet another new job, and now Merin was ghosting her after promising to message after assembly. Thirteen was indeed a 'tricky age.'"
General Writing Feedback
Strengths:
- Strong premise: The logline effectively sets up an intriguing relationship between characters with contrasting struggles.
- Prose style: The writing has a clean, accessible style that balances description, internal monologue, and dialogue effectively.
- Character establishment: Both women's challenges are established clearly—Grace with her dementia and Paige with her relocation/job transition.
- Setting details: The Auckland setting is subtly integrated through specific locations and Grace's accent.
Areas for Improvement:
- Scene transitions: The transition between characters is abrupt. Consider a smoother handoff between perspectives:
Current:
"As she lay in bed that night, the weight of the world settled on her chest... Tomorrow, maybe she would consider reaching out.
Paige remembered a Ted Talk..."
Suggested:
"As she lay in bed that night, the weight of the world settled on her chest... Tomorrow, maybe she would consider reaching out.
Across town, as Grace contemplated reaching out, Paige was steeling herself to reach in. A Ted Talk she'd once seen..."
- Dialogue authenticity: Some dialogue feels slightly expositional, particularly when Paige discusses her family situation with Grace. Consider making these exchanges more naturalistic:
Current:
"'Yeah, we arrived three weeks ago. I've found a house to rent in Botany Downs. Close to the school my daughter is going to.' She stopped and added. 'Merin is thirteen.'"
Revised:
"'Three weeks in and still finding my feet,' Paige said, fiddling with the untouched teacup. 'Got lucky with a rental in Botany Downs, at least. Close to Merin's new school.' She hesitated. 'She's thirteen. Not exactly thrilled about the move.'"
- Building connection: Since the premise suggests these two women will form a bond, consider planting more specific seeds of potential connection in their first meeting:
Current focus: Their meeting is primarily expositional about Paige's background.
Enhancement opportunity: Add moments that hint at potential for deeper connection:
"Grace nodded, her eyes crinkling with genuine warmth. 'I remember being new here myself, years ago. Takes time, but it grows on you.' Something in her expression—a fleeting vulnerability—made Paige pause. There was more to this scattered but kind woman than her cheery exterior suggested."
Final Thoughts
This opening chapter effectively establishes two complex women at challenging crossroads in their lives. With attention to consistent point of view techniques, deepened character voices, and subtle enhancement of their potential connection, this narrative has strong potential to deliver on its promising premise.
The groundwork for exploring how music might bring these characters together is currently subtle. Consider introducing early hints of their relationship to music to strengthen this thematic element as the manuscript develops.
As mentioned above, these are examples only, but the choice to use them or adapt them is yours.
