The Forbidden Fruit of the Cherry Blossom Tree

In the half-light, I looked at the braided strands of the hemp rope spiralling down to his snapped neck. Where the rope circled his neck and then curled around itself I thought, “What a beautiful knot.”

Chapter One

I blinked open my eyes as the train came to a stop with Japanese punctiliousness and a metallic screech. The nasal tones of the PA system announced the train’s arrival and its future destination. The platform was filled with black-suited salarymen who surged forward as the carriage doors opened. Along with their briefcases, many carried umbrellas as we are in the rainy season. It’s the time between spring and summer, and as usual, people complain, “atsui, atsui” (“hot, “hot”) as the rain makes the air sticky with humidity.

Unlike the salarymen, I wasn’t catching the early morning train to get to work. I was also one of the few women amongst them. The reason for my journey was to have a rare catch-up with my best friend Akari, whom I had known since our schooldays. These get-togethers were infrequent because my husband disliked Akari and her husband, Yasu. I say dislike, but it would be more honest to call it envy. Violent, vivid green envy.

When I was at university with Akari and Yasu were all at university, I called them “The Vogue Couple”. The nickname was playful, friendly and complimentary. Even in casual clothes Akari and Yasu looked elegant. For me the way they dressed and their personalities combined to embody gracefulness. By comparison, my usual dishevelled appearance at university was a counterbalance to them. They affectionately called me “Hanna Paintbrush”. Akari and Yasu studied economics while I studied Fine Art. When I wasn’t writing essays I wore a paint-splattered smock and paint smudges on my face were often more prominent than any cosmetic make-up I used.

The nicknames were a point of aggravation for Sota, my husband. After we were married if these pet names were ever used he would scream out, “You are just children”.

Sota had courted me at university and looking back I think he was drawn to me because I was non-threatening. Or, maybe less kindly, I was someone he could control. Sota was a thin, awkward individual who wore large round glasses that gave him an owl-like appearance. I’d rebuffed his early attempts to get my interest. To Akari I referred to Yasu as “The Owl”. It was as Akari and Yasu’s relationship grew stronger and they spent ever more time together that I became more open to Sota’s invitations. If I hadn’t felt a sense of loneliness I would have continued to resist Sota.

I was an only child and Akari and Yasu had filled the emptiness - that screaming in a vacuum sensation I’d experienced after the news of my parents being killed in a car accident in Europe reached me. My father was a junior diplomat at The Embassy of Japan in London. The accident occurred in rural France and the details were sketchy. There was a suggestion by the French police that the collision with a farm tractor occurred when my father had mistakenly fallen into the habit of driving on the left, as is done in England and Japan. I had only recently returned to Tokyo to attend university after having spent the previous three years living in London. With the news of my parents’ deaths my world collapsed. It was Akari and Yasu who helped me through that time and Sota's attentions started to fill some of the emptiness I felt.

The squawk of the PA system signalled all of us to shuffle forward onto the already crowded carriages. With white-gloved hands, station guards pushed and cajoled passengers. We were all finally absorbed into spaces where there had seemed to be no space, and the doors closed.

In the sea of silent salarymen, my red jacket was a red stoplight amongst the black suits. I don't need to dress to impress Akari, but I also didn't want her thinking that my life was less than what it should be. We'd had beautiful dreams as young girls, and Akari had made many of her dreams come true. Her husband, Yasu, is a high cheek boned, attractive man who works for an international bank. They live in a modern apartment in Tokyo and make many overseas trips. Most importantly, they seem happy. Akari and Yasu would not look out of place being featured in a lifestyle magazine.

I was looking forward to a fun day of window shopping and lunch. Then I would return home before my husband Sota knew, or would need to know anything about my day. If I had told him beforehand about meeting Akari it would have led to a furious argument. For him to find out afterwards would cause a fight, but I would have enjoyed my day. He couldn't then take away what I had already enjoyed.

A human ripple ran through the crowded carriage as the train moved and swayed. You let it happen. There was nothing else you could do. I’m sure that even if I fainted, I would be held upright.

This was the first time I had travelled by train at this hour. The crowded underground trains I’d used in London did not compare to the crush of people on a Tokyo morning train. In this crush of people, I could not turn. I could only move, as did everyone else, with the trains' gentle rolling. I was surprised that I began to find the constraint arousing. The press of bodies, the inability to move, unexpectedly stirred up sexual butterflies. It had been a long time since there had been any lovemaking or affection with my husband so these feelings were pleasant but distracting. I was snapped out of these thoughts by the in-train announcement that we would, in a few minutes, arrive at our destination. “Collect yourself, Hanna. Collect yourself,”

The train doors opened and the salarymen surged onto the platform and towards the exits and I was carried along with them.

Akari was already waiting outside the station. Akari had had her hair cut in a schoolgirl bob that framed her face. Her mouth was almost the opposite of my pinched cupid lips, so when she smiled, it was a huge smile. With a giggle, she crushed me in a hug. "It is so good to see you Hanna Paintbrush. It has been soooo long”. Akari made the "soooo" a point of emphasis. With her face close to mine, she didn't see me wince in pain. I didn't want to spoil our get together, so I was glad she hadn't seen my reaction to her hug. It would have led to too many questions, and they would be questions I didn't want to answer. She then held me at arm's length, "You look wonderful". Akari could always make everyone feel special. It had indeed been "soooo" long since we had caught up with each other. It made me realise how much I had missed her sparkle.

“It’s good to see you, Mrs Vogue."

She linked an arm through mine. Talking and laughing, we made our way to the main shopping area. Two young women enjoying some retail therapy.

Akari shopped with no concern about the costs. I had to be more conscious of my limited finances. I looked at dresses and jackets and made the excuse that each item wasn't quite right. It was a much cheaper way to shop. We laughed and talked as we shopped. It was the happiest hours I'd experienced in a long time. Akari was holding a dress in front of my face, "This is you," she said. "You must try it on". Smiling back at her, I grabbed the dress and headed into the changing room. After all, it doesn't cost anything to try.

I hung up my own clothes and was in my underwear. I held the dress in front of me. It was at that moment that the curtain behind me swept back, and Akari holding another dress started to say, "And this…. Oh" then caught her breath. I realised that she could see the long red and blue bruises across my back made by a bamboo cane.

I'd spun around trying to hide them, but she looked past me at the mirror behind me. "Oh Hanna", as she drew the curtain and left me alone. I felt as though the last decent, good piece of my world had been shattered. Embarrassment washed through me. My face burned red hot while an icy cold chill ran through the rest of my body. When I finally left the changing room, she came up and hugged me. "Hanna, we must talk. Whatever this is, it can't go on".

I can't remember leaving the shop. As we walked, I felt as though I was in a bubble, isolated from the din of the city. Somehow we ended up in a bar where we were the only customers. Akari ordered drinks, and we sat silently for a few minutes. I wept. The beatings by my husband had taught me how to deal with pain but not with embarrassment. As I began to speak, Akari looked shocked.

"Life felt good when I married Sota. Simple but good. He's a salaryman, and I found work with a small design studio that valued my Shodo calligraphy skills. We were both happy… I'm sure we were both happy. Then, over a few months, it all changed. I'd never got along with Sota's parents. They were a cold pair. They were cold, stiff, unfeeling people. I even wondered how they had ever conceived Sota," I said, with a wry smile.

"His mother operated a small restaurant from their Machiya. As you know, it's both shop and a private home. She would serve customers mackerel, rice, and pickles. Nothing fancy. His father was a middle-ranking manager. He was never going to get any higher than that."

I took a deep breath.

"His mother fell ill, suffered without complaint, then died. Sota was, of course, responsible for the funeral arrangements. I knew this would stretch our finances, but he refused to discuss it. What money we'd been able to put aside soon went, but that was not the worst of it. His father lost all will and wanted to follow the same path as his wife. Sota decided that we would have to move into his parent's house, and I would have to give up my job. At the time, that felt like a punch in the stomach."

I looked across at Akari, who stared at the drink she held with both hands.

"Anyway, his father got his wish, and within a few months, he was resting alongside his wife. Their deaths, our lack of money, I don't know. One or both things turned Sota into a ball of anger. The slightest thing would set him off. The hitting started one day after work when he seemed more drunk than usual. Did I mention that he'd started to drink after work? I thought that if we could get some money to give us some breathing space, we could be happy again. I suggested that I would ask you and Yasu for a small loan."

Akai looked up. "You should have," she said.

"He exploded. At that time, I hadn't noticed a piece of bamboo in the corner of the room. I can't remember when or how it got there. He grabbed it and started to hit me, screaming, "Kutabare!, Kutabare"! ("Fuck you! Fuck you"). The bamboo still sits in the corner, and I dare not move it."

Akari started to speak but pressed her lips together and looked back down at her drink.

"I had not wanted to tell anyone about what was happening. I felt that I was responsible in some way? That it was up to me to fix this.”

I noticed the clock in the bar. "I must go. I did not tell Sota that I was meeting you, and I know if he finds out, it will make him angry". She could see the fear on my face.

We walked back to the train station again, arm in arm without speaking. By the look on Akari's face, she was struggling with her thoughts. On reaching the station, Akari held my face in her hands and kissed me on the cheek. Still holding my face, she said, Akari pushed a bag into my arms. Inside was the dress she had insisted I try on. I couldn't remember seeing her buy it. I couldn't even remember leaving the shop. Here it was, though.

"We're going to find a way out of this. I promise you, Hanna, we are going to find a way".

CHAPTER TWO

It was dark as I walked the narrow street to our house. Many of the all-wooden, shop-houses have traditional lanterns near their front doors. These add a welcoming warmth, but this feeling didn't extend to the people that lived there. My neighbours always avoided looking my way, and I sensed they talked about me after I had passed by. No doubt they had heard my screams during the beatings I had suffered. They did not welcome me because of their own embarrassment and believing it was none of their business. Their house lanterns were not so judgmental.

Entering our home I felt nervous as I was never sure when Sota would get home from work. Hurriedly I changed my clothes and hid the dress that Akari had bought for me and then started dinner. If Sota arrived early or late, the curry and rice would be ready for him.

I heard the wooden clack as the front door slid open and then closed. He was early. A shiver of fear passed through me as I wondered if he had somehow found out about my day with Akari. Looking at him sideways I stirred the curry, mixing in the spicy curry cubes. With some relief, I thought he didn't look as though he'd been drinking.

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, but I'll get changed and have a drink first".

His custom was to hang up his suit, shower and put on track pants and a t-shirt. He filled a short glass with ice, topped it off with whiskey, and went to the bedroom. Returning a short while later, he filled his glass again and went and sat at the low table. I'd already arranged cushions on the Tatami mats and busied myself with serving the curry, rice and a plate of pickles. The meal passed as usual in silence. I looked at him but could not detect any problem or that he suspected how I had spent my day. My fears subsided.

Sota turned on the television after dinner. We watched one of the silly game shows. There were two teams, and one person from each would try to endure a physical challenge. A blue team member had three clothes pegs clipped to his nostrils. The string attached to the pegs was tied to the bra of a scantily clad girl. He had to try and pull the bra off her. It was apparent this would cause a great deal of pain for him. Following the same theme, a red team member had clothes pegs attached to his nipples and his armpit hair.

It was the first time in a long while that Sota and I had laughed at the same time. It lightened the atmosphere that was usually either subdued or tense.

At the end of the show, Sota got up, "I'm going to bed".

He must be in a good mood as he would usually leave the room without speaking. The day had come to a close without argument and the use of the dreaded bamboo stick. So this was a good day. I bathed and then pulling on an oversized t-shirt, climbed into bed with Sota. My thoughts in that early sleep time drifted back to my unexpected thrill in the body crush on the train. The sexual butterflies took flight, and I could feel the wetness between my legs. Without thinking, I must have been pushing back and felt Sota's erection. Then his hands pushed my t-shirt up over my hips. I lifted my leg and leant forward to give him easier access. His cock slipped in, and when inside me, he paused. Gripping my hips, he started to thrust backwards and forwards. My soft mewing with each thrust seemed to encourage his forcefulness, and his breathing quickened. I imagined the train and a man standing in front of me looking into my eyes. Aware of what was taking place. I stared back, sharing the eroticism of the moment with him.

"Nnnnnn!!!"

Sota had come and rolled onto his back. My fantasy collapsed. He went to the bathroom and got back into bed with his back to me.

"Aren't you going to wash?” Sota asked. Although said as a question it was an order.

My fantasy disappeared along with any chance of an orgasm. I rose and went to the bathroom, where I washed between my legs. Back in bed, I let go of every disappointing thought and drifted off to sleep.

The days passed. Neither good nor bad. I know there must be so many people whose lives are like this. Not unhappy or happy. It's in this mindset that days, months and years slip by. When we look back, there is a hollowness of feeling from having achieved little or nothing. It is in this mindset that when the unexpected happens it makes us wake from our stupor. It's like having a bucket of icy water thrown over you, and you suddenly become aware of your surroundings. This time the water was thrown by Akari and her husband, Yasu.