Too Many Goodbyes

Italy – 2020

Tapping the pen on the café table, she wrote, “What would have happened if I had made different choices?”

Alexandra’s mysterious smile mesmerized her admirers. Her elegant stature was graceful and revealed no hints of her aging, voluptuous body, even in her later years. The vibrancy she emanated had an element of sophistication, although she humbly wandered down the Via Del Corso, a historical street in Rome where no one realized who she was.

So, she thought…

Exploring Via Del Corso shops was tiring and after hours her feet became tender, sufficient enough to make her shoes uncomfortable and requiring a place to sit for a while.

She stumbled upon a peaceful café down a narrow cobblestone street. The sound of her heels clicking enhanced her awareness of just how fatigued she was. Something to quench her palate and with her undeniably favorite snack sounded like the perfect indulgence. She would love to embrace a conversation with a kindhearted person, feeling lonely today, even if only to make her smile. The perfect spot was available, where she would sit for the next few hours and engage in her wishes and fantasies.

Removing her journal from a large Italian leather purse, she reviewed her last entry as the side of her lip quivered. Many years of apprehensions and decisions had prompted her on a path, perhaps not the wisest, but full of adventure, no doubt, she reminisced. Could it actually be almost five decades which have passed? So many travel experiences in the world, so many love affairs, with merely fleeting moments in time where she appeared fulfilled?

With a sense of the melodramatic, she enjoyed embellishing her words with extravagant sounds and senses with her felt tipped pen, only this time she wrote to him. The aroma of homemade tomato sauce whirled through her nose as her ravenous stomach waited for the server.

As her hand gracefully flowed across the linen-like cream color page, she noticed the handsome, older server through the corner of her eye. The pizza he carried was sizzling, hot and juicy. Marcello, the owner of the delightful café, walked across the terra cotta tiles singing, “Volare,” when he approached the ravishing patron of ‘Non sol pasta.” Her hat tipped gracefully over one side of her face elegantly.

She peeked subtly to notice his midnight brown eyes. He, on the other hand, became distracted when she lifted her hand in a delicate fashion to remove her wide brimmed hat. Her eyes glistened like a sea of blue along the Amalfi coast. He lost his balance, nearly landing in her lap.

She smirked, knowing she had a way of enticing men subtly.

“I will be back promptly to take your order.”

“Thank you, kindly sir. I am going to just write while I wait.” Gosh, he has the cutest accent.

“Si, I mean yes, I will be back quickly.”

Marcello was feeling vulnerable and a little shy. There was only one time in life he had felt this way. The memory popped in his mind momentarily. Always wondering, he mumbled to himself, “Where did she go?”

Alexandra reminisced about her younger days and when she first arrived in Italy, as an interesting day was about to unfold.

New York City 1967

The metal doors echoed through the H.S. hallways of Washington Irving in New York City. Lexi was pissed. After putting her red journal into the locker, along with those meaningless books they require for learning; she created her own story. When the teacher summoned her to share her insights on the book assigned to study, she referred to hers. Everybody laughed, and as usual, she had to meet the teacher after class.

“What were you thinking, Lexi?”

“Truly, if you need to know, I will inform you,” Lexi sarcastically declared, boldly and with conviction. “I’m sick and tired of people criticizing me, laughing at me, and that includes you!”

“Lexi, you will never be a writer. You don’t follow any guidelines. You don’t even read!”

“You don’t know me!”

Grumbling under her breath, she stepped away from the locker doors. “No one is going to tell me what I can accomplish! No one!” Suspended for a week from school because of her sarcasm could be the ideal time to daydream and write. “If I ever became a teacher, I would be certain to encourage and motivate students.”

“Damn,” banging on the door to the apartment. “Is anyone home?” Her boot kicked the door with annoyance as she slumped down gradually onto the cool concrete floor. “Where is mom?” she muttered. “I swear I’m leaving after graduation. No one will miss me.”

Opening her backpack, she took the red notebook out and scribbled across the pages rapidly. “I’m going and no one can say anything!”

“They laugh at me, even my family. Thinking I’m a dreamer. I’ve even been called a drama queen. Well, guess what? I AM A QUEEN!” Suddenly, she overheard someone approaching and closed her book. No one could look at it. “The only one who seems to have a slight understanding of me is my only brother, twelve years older than me and mom, of course.” He loved to travel as well, and his work took him to many places for business. Regularly, he shared his adventures with Lexi when she was younger. “Perhaps it’s how I grew into a dreamer?”

“Hi Alexandra, you are home early,” “Mom, quit calling me that. I prefer Lexi.” “Well, why are you home, suspended again?” A grunt and stomp as she rose. Mom already realized her sassy attitude got her in trouble once again. Impatiently waiting for mom to open the door, Lexi wanted to crawl into her bed and lock the bedroom door. “Alexandra,” yelled mom, as she dashed to her bedroom. BAM! “Leave me alone!”

Mom tended to her chores, unloaded the groceries, and prepared dinner. Heaven forbid, if dinner was five minutes late. The old man might hurl a plate. Dad was not the most patient husband, generally exhausted and not much of a talker. She was definitely the caretaker and the compassionate one, a wonderful role model for Lexi.

~~~

Pouncing on her uncomfortable twin bed, Lexi’s tears rolled profusely into her mouth. Never feeling accepted in the world, she wept. Why did she have to live here? No one was like her in the family. She regularly speculated, was she adopted?

“Grr, being a teenager really sucks! Let’s imagine where I can move, where no one recognizes me. Someplace I can be whoever I desire.” Fervently she wrote in her red notebook.

I can travel far and wide, across the oceans and discover my heart home. Egypt? Perhaps one day, but I’m not sure if a teenager might stand out in their culture? I know, she wrote, I will go to Italy. Perhaps my own ancestors would understand me better?

Now, how do I accomplish this? I need to save money. I can get extra hours after school at my part time job. Figure out how to get an airplane ticket and study Italian. The cuss words Dad used when he exploded would not be sufficient. I will ask Dad to send me there for my graduation. He says, “Sure, Lexi, work for it and you can have anything.” I hoped this time he would at least grant me some help. Alas, the answer was the same every time, the disappointment in her heart, but also the realization he didn’t have the means. “I bet he won’t expect me to save the money and find my way there. I will show him.”

I wonder how scary can it be to fly? I’ve never been on an airplane. Who can I ask? Lexi created an excessive number of questions, along with ideas about who she might meet and where she could go. Would anybody be interested in traveling with her? It certainly would seem safer. The words scribbled across the page. Freedom!

Hours passed by, her dreams growing bigger and wider, when she heard mom call her for dinner.

“I’m not hungry, mom!”

“Get out here now and eat!” Her legs flipped over the edge of her bed and grumpily she wandered down the long hallway to the small kitchen. “Plop,” into the chair.

“Now pray,” Mom announced.

Prayers recited, and everyone remained on edge. When Dad had a tough day, he generally displayed his temper. You did not dare say anything, question him, defend yourself, or even attempt to raise a conversation. Eat quickly, wash the dishes, do your homework, and go write some more. That was the plan. Was he hard on us so we could achieve more? Did he want us to struggle less in life because it was hard for him to provide?

As dinner and dishes were done, Lexi slid down the hallway on the tiles like she was ice skating. She went back into her dream world, where it was always peaceful. She called it her ‘bubble.’

With the book on her chest, clothes still on, the morning alarm went off. “Hey sleepy head, time to get up!” Mom called.

“Mom, remember I’m suspended. I would love to go to the library today.”

“That is what I enjoy hearing. A girl who knows where to spend her time and stay out of trouble. Sure, have a good day reading some books.”

“Thanks mom.”

Pleased she had permission to embark upon her dreams, she quickly rushed to shower, dress and be on her way.

One of the wisest people Lexi knew was Mom, a very compassionate person.

The New York City Library was in midtown Manhattan. Lexi enjoyed long walks, people watching and writing about the characters she would see, browsing in shops too expensive for her high school budget and always stopping at some of the most amazing pizza places.

Every time she arrived at the library, she stood at the base of the stairs and marveled at it all. Lexi never understood why it intrigued her so much but hoped to learn why someday. She found it very interesting the land was originally a potter’s field, a burial site for poor people. Hmm, she would wonder, did they inspire the writers who one day would walk through these halls? I’m sure they had fascinating lives.

Lexi read everything about traveling, especially about Italy. Of all the places in the world, this one called her most.

Fountains, statues and 3 porticos invoked a triumphal arch, looking up as she stood on the first step. She took a huge, deep breath and sighed. “I will climb many marble staircases and walk beneath archways around the world. It will honor me to witness famous sculptures and artists from all cultures.” Walking up the next step, Lexi felt overwhelmed. A sense of ‘knowing’ filled her little heart and something gave her the strength and fortitude to climb higher. It compelled her to be a better person, and she knew deep inside, one day, she would have her book in the library with the millions of others.

Just then, Julia, a classmate also on suspension who was slightly arrogant and obnoxious, called out, “Hey Lexi, trying to learn how to be a better student?”

“Shut up, will ya?”

“Lexi got suspended!” she melodically shouted across the length of the stairs. People stared at the both of them, snubbing them for their immaturity. “Good grief,” Lexi mumbled, witnessing the reactions of these educated and most likely highly esteemed successful people. “I need to find new people in my life.” Embarrassed, she entered the library.

This library, opened in 1911, became the place to launch Lexi’s enthusiasm for travel and to write. There was a massive door leading her inside the library. Doors became a fascination for Lexi and would continue her whole life. Onward to the library room, the most majestic space, perhaps as large as a football field, reminded her of cathedrals with side chapels she saw in picture books from Rome. It was called “Rose Main Reading Room,” a quiet place to study and research. A trustee made a gift to the library and named it after his wife. There were gilded curlicues, cornucopia and cherubs playing flutes along with celestial cloud of pink. Is this another coincidence she murmured to herself? Grandma Rose and Rose reading room. I dare say it’s a sign, she smirked.

“WHOA! This is a place I can write. I’m sure there are books which will teach me to be eloquent. I am determined to find my place in the world.” Lexi’s enthusiasm was beyond anything she imagined. She had walked these halls dozens of times, but today was different, like she was in a new reality.

Piles of books in her arms, all intriguing her, hoping she didn’t drop any as she proceeded to a table. A curator asked if she needed assistance carrying all of them. “Why thank you, sir.” He smiled and took the young lady to her seat and left with a gleam in his eye and smiled politely.

He probably thinks I’m some kind of child genius, she chuckled to herself. Little does he realize, I’m confused, not very confident, and seeking to find my way. Perhaps he knows.

Julia appeared again. “Hey, hey, Lexi. I didn’t know you could read. Seeking to impress us with all those texts?”

“Julia, I’m in no frame of mind for this. Please stop.”

“Oh, the poor baby isn’t into conversation today?”

Lexi attempted to ignore the torturing from Julia. It wasn’t easy. The curator noticed and wandered over to inquire if Julia needed help. She chuckled, gave him a sarcastic grin, glanced at Lexi with demon eyes, and walked away.

“I apologize if she is troubling you, Miss.”

“No worries, sir. She is a bully from my school.”

“That is undesirable in any situation. Perhaps she requires a book on etiquette.”

Lexi snickered faintly and continued to read and take notes.

“Pardon me sir, I wish to thank you for your kindness. What is your name?” “You may call me Charles.” “Thank you, Charles.” If he had a hat on, he would have indeed tipped it at the lovely lady now.

Being here is like a source of water, she wrote in her journal, flowing around the continents and connecting the world. A deep sigh and gratitude for the ability to appreciate the writers of the world. Lexi was ready to find information to plan her escape. One page after another, so many countries with interesting history. Where shall I go? she pondered.

The next hour passed by as Lexi’s imagination sizzled with ideas, her excitement was building, and the intrigue of every country had her more confused. How would she get to them? She couldn’t find information in these historical books to determine how one might pay for a seat on a plane and get a hotel. Just then, a librarian walked by deliberately. You barely heard a footstep. Lexi whispered, “Ma’am, can you direct me to books so I can learn how to travel around the world? Are there any with information about booking an airplane ticket?”

The older woman with slightly gray hair responded, “Come with me, lovely child. I will show you a whole new world.” Stunned and happy with her reply, she politely followed the generous woman to a huge section labeled “Travel.” “You can spend hours here, I am sure, finding travel books with information on trains, planes and boats,” she smiled. “Wow, I mean, I appreciate this so much!”

There were thousands of travel books for every country in the world. Her older brother also mentioned researching Switzerland, a place he frequented for work. She would find a world atlas and learn about National Geographic. Many published articles of faraway places gave her the hunger to learn more. Lexi stumbled upon a book, “Europe on Five Dollars a Day,” by Arthur Frommer. They published it in 1957 and became an instant hit. He put together a guide on how to travel across the continent economically and covered everything essential for Europe.

“This is what I need!” Lexi started to shout but covered her mouth quickly.

Julia, around the corner in the next aisle, spied on her. She felt compelled to interrupt her moment of excitement. “You need more than a book, Lexi! You are such a loser!” With her nose in her book, she ignored Julia and went on her way. “Humpf! You think you can ignore me? I’m not going away anytime soon, you idiot. Watch out next week when you return to school.”

It took great restraint for Lexi to avoid this nonsense. Charles was standing nearby and winked at her. For the first time, she felt as if there was respect from an elder, a comrade, perhaps a mentor.

~~~

“Lexi,” called out Miss Roland, her guidance counselor. “I am very pleased and impressed with all your efforts this year. I see you have considerable scholastic achievements. Congratulations.”

Did this just happen? Did the guidance counselor give me a compliment? Am I finally being seen for who I am? This provided her with the hope and courage she desired. If only it came from her dad.

“Hey bitch, you rubbing shoulders with the guidance counselor now?”

Gosh, I’d love to punch Julia in the face. With little attention to this remark, she happily strolled out the school doors. There was a quote in the central hall Washington Irving wrote, “There is in every true woman’s heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” This remained in Lexi’s heart as motivation to push through all adversity.

Waving goodbye to Julia, skipping down the steps, she was ready to buy her plane ticket.