Toxic Beer

TOXIC BEER PART ONE

ONE

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About a year ago, on the small lifeless moon that orbits the planet earth, the people of Great Britain were being studied carefully by a race of extraterrestrials from a distant galaxy.

You might wonder what these aliens were doing on the moon in the first place? The cheeky sods. You may also have a thousand and one other questions, seeing that I had just revealed to you that an intelligent life form from a distant galaxy had been watching us closely for quite some time.

They were studying us with their beady eyes and waiting before they plotted their next move. So why did these aliens bother to journey halfway across the known universe and set themselves down on our moon without popping in to say hello?

I will answer all your questions and a few other nuggets of information you’ve not yet considered, such as the secrets of interstellar space travel or how to brew UFO fuel in two weeks in your mum’s airing cupboard.

Let me start by explaining how they arrived.

If you have been paying attention, I’ve just revealed that a race of aliens is currently living on our moon.

They had accidentally happened upon our planet after a crewmember picked up a signal emanating from what they considered a dead world while on their way home. The aliens were coming to the end of an extended booze cruise, having visited every galaxy and planet you care to name. After a hundred years of endless partying, the crew were getting a bit bored by it all; the fun was wearing thin, and arguments broke out amongst them. They just wanted to go home.

Also niggling at the back of their minds was that several planet authorities were after them. They were now wanted in several star systems. According to the spaceship’s computer, they had detoured through our solar system to avoid being caught, which was deemed lifeless.

Just as they were heading home, the ship’s chief engineer deemed it necessary to ruin the fun by informing the captain that the spaceship was desperately in need of some vital repairs.

If they intended to make their journey home in one piece, one essential component that needed attention was the ship’s propulsion system. The chief engineer pointed out that the engines seemed to produce more toxic waste than the engine room’s bilge pumps could cope with. It was seeping out of the storage containers into the ships’ more vital systems. But, he explained, if these repairs were delayed or ignored, he couldn’t be held responsible for the devastating consequences that the leakage would cause.

The chief engineer then pointed out to the captain that the last time the captain had taken it upon himself to ignore the engineer’s warnings, they had crash-landed on some horrible planet and how they had barely escaped the wrath of the Andorran ambassador after he had discovered his space yacht was missing. If it hadn’t been for the chief engineer’s quick thinking, which had saved their bacon, God knows where they would be now.

Probably clamped in irons and thrown in some nasty smelly prison cell and forgotten about, or even worse, fed to the ambassador’s pets.

‘Can’t we just dump the waste?’ The captain inquired, rudely interrupting the chief with a shushing sound. It was more of a horrible hissing sound, but the chief took no notice.

‘Now look here, captain.’ The chief wasn’t about to let the captain interrupt him again.

‘I’ve just told you what will happen if we don’t make any repairs soon. The purge pumps can only operate in a breathable atmosphere. If we open the waste containers in a vacuum and dump the waste, it will cause an irreversible implosion and blow the lot of us to kingdom come.’

‘Have you quite finished?’ The captain interrupted again.

It was then that the chief noticed the captain had turned a funny colour. He looked like he was ready to explode. The chief engineer looked around to see if he could hide. It was too late, and he realised he should have taken heed of all his colleagues’ warnings. They constantly reminded him it probably wasn’t a good idea to keep pissing off the captain. They all knew he had the reputation of shooting first and asking questions later. It, therefore, shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise to the chief when the captain shot him, instantly vaporising him right on the spot, leaving a sticky black pile of soot.

The captain glared at the shocked crew.

None of the crew realised that this erratic behaviour had something to do with the toxic waste the now demised chief engineer had been trying to explain before the captain unexpectedly shot him dead.

The captain seemed prone to having very long bouts of erratic behaviour and black moods of late. For example, one poor sod had mistakenly informed the captain that there was no more booze left, resulting in him being thrown out of the airlock into space; without a spacesuit.

However, once the captain had been informed by his staff that if he continued to shoot or maim any more of the crew members, there wouldn’t be anyone left who could fly the ship home safely. He reluctantly admitted that perhaps he may have been heavy-handed and promised that he would be a bit more careful in the future.

Therefore, you can imagine how relieved the crew was when the captain announced he would retire to his quarters for an unspecified amount of time, with orders not to be disturbed unless it was of fundamental importance. When the captain announced Dick would take over the ship’s running in the captain’s absence, the crew were so relieved there were no complaints. They told themselves Dick was a good egg and wasn’t as bad-tempered and unpredictable as his boss.

Things were looking up.

***

HARRY

After being promoted to the chief engineer’s recently vacated position, Harry found himself obligated to fix the ship and remove all the toxic waste before they could finally set course and go home. Before this unexpected promotion, they had considered Harry nothing more than a low life grease monkey. Who was not capable of doing a simple menial task? It was entirely unfair, I might add, because young Harry was quite the prodigy genius in engineering matters.

Harry’s problem, which kept him from using this genius to its full potential, was his somewhat unorthodox approach to solving complicated problems. Another issue he had was his inability to take orders; this had led to many disasters and nasty accidents, which had frequently nearly been the end of all of them. However, if it hadn’t been for the former chief engineer’s quick actions, in that case, God only knows the outcome or consequences his tinkering would have caused.

One particular incident was when young Harry had taken it upon himself to fiddle with the old spaceship’s fuel mixture parameters. Harry believed they were inefficient and reckoned he could do much better. Having assumed that if by tweaking the yeast, oxygen, and sugar ratio’s a tad, the engines would perform more efficiently, saving precious fuel. Maybe he’d impress the chief with his genius, who would have a word with the captain and have Harry promoted to junior engineer. That was until everything went pear shape, and the engine’s packed up, forcing them to make an unexpected crash landing on Andoraan V. If it hadn’t been for the chief’s quick thinking and taking the blame for Harry’s stupidity, young Harry’s future might have looked very different.

Truth be told, the captain had promoted Harry in the first place because, as his second in command had pointed out, Harry knew how to repair things. He also pointed out that young Harry had stayed relatively sober most of the time, unlike the rest of the crew, who were permanently pissed and unreliable despite all that had happened.

Newly promoted, Harry now found himself with an additional problem. Before the chief had got himself shot, he’d explained the problem with the spaceship’s propulsion system, which was helpful, but not how to solve the problem, which was far from practical. Harry knew that they’d needed additional parts to fix it. Harry racked his brains for a suitable solution. He then did the only thing he could think of that would help by suggesting that they land on the nearest planet before the ship blew itself to pieces. Once he had explained the problem to his senior officer and the captain, Harry went ahead with their blessing and started searching for a habitable planet.

However, after searching for intelligent life and not having much luck, Harry was about to give up when one of his junior engineers, a chap called Chas, came running in one afternoon with some good news. ‘I found a planet that’s habitable, Harry.’ He could hardly keep the excitement out of his voice. However, Harry wasn’t entirely convinced. ‘Where?’ ‘I checked the planets several times for intelligent life, and the computer came up blank every time.’

‘Look, Harry, I’m not messing you about.’ ‘It’s most definitely coming from the planet earth. You need to come and listen to it yourself if you don’t believe me.’

Harry followed his engineer to the ship’s main communication room to see all the fuss was about. The engineer was correct in his calculations, and the signal came from the earth. It overjoyed Harry when he heard the good news, realising that this would mean they could get the vital spare parts they needed to make for repairs, perhaps some alcohol. Harry rushed back to the ship’s bridge with the good news of his discovery. Dick was equally excited and informed the captain.

Harry suggested landing the spaceship on a small abandoned planetoid that orbited the planet earth. They studied the planet’s inhabitants at their leisure while making plans to visit. They had quite a shopping list of odds and sods that they required.

One particular item that appeared to be a priority on this long shopping list was alcohol. This specific request came straight from the captain and the senior staff members. They were suffering withdrawal effects after being sober for too long. Having consumed gallons of every type of alcohol from the know galaxies and a few other as yet undiscovered ones, they weren’t feeling very well. However, it tasted very similar to Meloovian Pale Ale and the captain’s favourite tipple after discovering that. They were desperate for a quick fix, although the stuff was lethal. In their desperation, one or two of the senior staff had made the sad mistake of opening some barrels of the toxic propulsion waste. However, their bliss was short-lived, and the poor sods died in agony a few days later.

TWO

After the aliens had set up their base on the moon, made a start on the repairs to the ship, etc., the captain had suddenly made one of his rare appearances after his second in command. Dick informed him of Harry’s discovery. At the captain’s request, Dick summoned the three engineers to the captain’s quarters. All three of them were on their best behaviour when the captain addressed them. They didn’t want to be treated differently. As they were aware of the captain’s reputation for shooting first and asked questions later about leadership style. And they weren’t about to contradict the captain as he explained his plans to them.

‘I want you three to fly down to the planet and find us somewhere that we can get rid of our excess toxic waste—a building or warehouse. Nobody cares how you achieve this as long as we can dump the waste somewhere.’

‘Then we can leave this awful place before we get caught and arrested by the Andorran authorities. I’ve got a feeling the planet’s ambassador wasn’t too pleased to have us snaffle his ship from right under his nose. So don’t let me down, and don’t bother coming back if you fail.’ He warned them. The captain was right about the Andorran ambassador’s displeasure at having his private space yacht stolen by a bunch of thieving alcoholics. The captain knew the ambassador would find them soon. Hence his desperation to get the ship repaired and out of the solar system and safely back to their home planet as initially planned.

‘You heard the captain,’ Dick screamed. ‘Get on with it.’

After the meeting had ended, the three engineers, Dave, Chas, and Harry, retired to the ship’s engineering section to discuss their ideas. Harry opened the door to his private workshop and let them in. He was just about to explain his excellent idea when Dave suddenly interrupted him.

‘What is that thing, Harry?’ Harry noticed Dave was pointing toward something lying on Harry’s workbench, covered loosely by a sheet. ‘Oh, that little thing,’ said Harry nonchalantly. ‘It’s nothing.’

‘Oh, come on, Harry, don’t be a spoilsport,’ said Dave. ‘You know you’re dying to show us.’

‘Oh, it’s just something I’ve been fiddling with for a few weeks,’ he said. Covering his mouth to stifle a smug grin as he spoke. Harry walked over to the workbench and pulled off the sheet covering up his invention with a ‘Tada,’ revealing a metal machine that looked humanoid in appearance.

‘What is it then?’ Chas asked.

‘It’s an android. I thought that was obvious.’

‘Yeah, I can see that it’s an android, Harry; I’m not stupid,’ said Chas.

‘And excuse me for asking,’ he said. ‘But didn’t you forget something?’

Harry saw Chas was pointing a claw-like finger at the android’s head.

‘Its face is missing.’

Chas was right.

The android was indeed missing a face. Just an empty black space at the front of its head where its face was supposed to be unless you count the two big protruding eyes on the front of the android’s head. It was horrible to look at the stuff of nightmares.

Where did you get the bits to build it? Dave inquired. He tried hard not to look at Harry’s invention for too long as it gave him the Willies.

‘Do you remember those killer robots that attacked us when we stole this ship?’ Harry asked.

Dave and Chas looked at each other. Both of them shuddered at the thought when Harry reminded them. They had almost forgotten that horrible incident; lots of alcohol had helped. Obviously, it was something they didn’t want to remember.

‘Anyway,’ said Harry. Continuing his explanation. ‘I salvaged several positronic brains and a few other bits and pieces from the deactivated robots so I could build this android.’ Seeing the look of doubt on Chas and Dave’s faces. ‘Look, why don’t I give both of you a demonstration, then?’

Harry walked up to the inert android and fiddled with it for a minute or two before taking a step back.

‘Watch.’ The android powered up and stood upright.

‘I need a volunteer,’ he said.

Dave stood up before Chas could volunteer and walked over to where the android was now standing.

‘What do I have to do?’

‘Stand still,’ said Harry. ‘Let the android get a good look at your face for a few minutes.’

Dave stood still as instructed; the android walked up to him and studied him carefully with its enormous eyes. Then, for a few minutes, nothing happened.

For a few minutes, nothing seemed to happen. Then, suddenly, the android quivered and moved disturbingly.

‘Bloody hell,’ said Dave, taking a step back from the metal monstrosity that looked like it and about to burst at the seams. ‘You sure it’s safe? Harry,’ He enquired. Once, he took a few more steps back.

‘Perfectly safe’, said Harry. Dave moved forward again, so he was just in front of the android and tried not to shake. After what seemed an eternity, the android finally stopped its shaking movements, its beady eyes staring menacingly at Dave.

Dave froze on the spot as he stared back at the android’s face, identical to his. Even the android’s body had taken on the shape of Dave’s alien form. ‘Switch the bugger off; it gives me the creeps,’ said Dave. Once he had got over the initial shock.

Harry powered the android down once again and covered it with a sheet before laying it back down on his workbench.

‘Bloody marvellous, if you ask me,’ said Chas.

He had enjoyed the demonstration thoroughly and wanted a go himself.

‘Can I have a go then?’ he asked Harry hopefully.

‘Sorry, Chas,’ said Harry, ‘maybe later.’ Chas looked disappointed.

‘So what’s the plan then, Harry?’ Dave asked once the demo was over.

‘Well, the last time I was down on the planet,’ said Harry, ‘Before heading home, I tried a quick pint of the local brew In one of the earthling’s public houses; while I was enjoying my beverage, I thought I’d have a quick read of one of the local newspapers, something took my interest, and I wrote the details down as I felt the information might come in handy later, it didn’t dawn on me before. I didn’t think it was worth mentioning to Dick or the captain, as they wouldn’t have taken much notice of me if I had. But now, we have to come up with a plan. I think we can use the information to our advantage. The newspaper mentioned a rundown alcoholic beverage factory that might be up for sale to the highest bidder. I found out the details and made inquiries. The current owner has run up some considerable gambling debts and needs to pay them off before the factory goes into receivership; as I understand, the owner is looking for someone to buy him out, no questions asked.’