24 Windows

Award Category
A young woman is taken on a journey of self-discovery by an innocent looking Advent calendar.

Prologue

It was only words and words could never physically harm you. Or could they? Contemplated Annabel Tate.

She was inclined to disagree as she made a mental scan of the scabbed over wounds of her past. They weren’t visible to the naked eye, but to her they felt as real and raw as the graze on her arm when she came off her bike at age seven.

The dismissive tone, the underwhelmed reaction that followed a school competition prize as if she was expected to do better. By the time she got to her graduation and landed her first job she wasn’t sure if she could be outwardly excited about her achievements. If that was allowed or appropriate or if she was just exaggerating something so trivial.

She thought she got used to failure being her default, but somehow it still hurt. Despite of the knockbacks she still thought she could satisfy her mother’s high demands, but she was quickly reminded that the bar was set high. The remarks rang in her ear and somehow she felt she couldn’t dismiss them anymore.

A familiar discomfort returned again, and it was spreading fast across all her senses with every word. Her heart thumped furiously, her jaw tightened, and her cheeks flushed as she dug her fingernails firmly into her palm; her knuckles turning even whiter than usual.

What was it going to be? Will she swallow the hurt again and let it keep brewing under the surface or face the unknown? The choice was hers to make alone.

Chapter 1

Annabel Tate stood on platform five staring in the direction of the tracks as if waiting for the train to arrive. She has done this, many times before on the way home from work, but today was different. Today, there was no-one else around. The trains came and gone one after the other, but Annabel didn’t move. People rushed past her and slowly the station drained of the commuters. The few that arrived were huddled under the roof, sheltering from the pounding November rain. But not Annabel. She had been standing there motionless for over an hour, the rain pouring down her face masking the streams of tears. She was cold and numb, but none of that seemed to matter.

In her head she went over what happened again and again. Trying to remember every word to find where it all went wrong. She was so sure that this time it was her turn. Not like her, this time she didn’t allow an inch of doubt. There was no other way. She had to be right. She wanted to rewind the clock. How far back she wasn’t sure. A week, a month or maybe more.

She vividly remembered the day exactly two months ago when an email landed in her inbox titled Editorial Opening. Roles like these were few and far between and if they came up, internal applicants weren’t usually considered. Her reserved demeanour didn’t often allow for huge outward displays of emotion, but the level of excitement was almost too much to bear, to keep inside. Back then it all seemed possible.

She had worked for Herold & Hains for over seven years and becoming an editor was all she ever wanted to do. At first, she was quiet, wanting to learn as much as she could soaking up every bit of knowledge around her. But in spite of her insecurities, she took every opportunity she could to show her bosses that she was made for this role and that she wanted it more than anything. She often worked long hours and weekends to prove she was committed. Taking on extra projects to show them that she had what it took to move up the ranks. In the early stages, despite her valid contributions she often felt inadequate, an imposter. Nevertheless, she ploughed on with determination. But something had to give, and it was her relationships and personal life that paid the price for hanging onto a dream. She acknowledged it many times before that there was only a fine line separating grit and determination from single-minded madness. And to reassure herself, she chose to identify with the former. This opportunity was her chance for all that sacrifice to be worth it and to prove to herself and to everyone else that doubted her that she had what it took to succeed. The excitement she felt then was nowhere to be seen today.

She battled with her demons throughout the process, but she almost allowed herself to be pleased when she made it to the final round with only one other candidate in the running. With the finish line in sight the task was clear but not straight forward. Publishing is often a subjective experience, and this task was no different. Whether her take was going to be the one they were looking for was anybody’s guess. But she had worked on projects for long enough to have a good idea what the panel wanted to see and so she worked long into the night to get her pitch perfect. And if it wasn’t for James, the whole thing could have ended there, with her having nothing to present at final stage. The dread still made her shiver. But what difference would it have made?

This wasn’t the first time she had to face rejection, but this latest defeat was felt even more sorely. How could they’ve given it to Sandra of all people? Why her? She’d barely been here for a year. Maybe my mother was right. I should have stayed in Masham and managed the bookstore after all. She felt sick. Her initial panic had turned into something firmer, something unshakeable. That maybe this was it. Maybe she’d never be good enough to make the grade for an editor. The emotions sat heavy in her throat like a dam ready to burst again letting through another wave of tears.

It was only the deep rumble of the sky that shook her out of her trance. Her skin prickled from the cold as the wet layers clung to her. She looked at the clock over her head. It had just gone seven. The realisation that she’d been standing there for over an hour unaware of her surroundings made her sick. The lights of the approaching train were cutting through the drizzle, making her take a couple of steps back. She watched the people pour out of the doors as the carriage came to a halt. Still numb, she checked the overhead sign for a destination before she stepped inside and took a seat.

Sitting there wiping some of the water off herself she turned to look at the reflection in the window. The remnants of her makeup were still visible on her face. She took out a compact mirror inspecting the damage. Her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes burned red. Wiping most of the smudges off, she stared at her weathered face. She felt her eyes filling up with tears again as the train made its way out of the station with a jolt. She shut the compact and swallowed a sob before the cycle could begin again. She was grateful to be sitting alone, away from the concern of others. After the hell of a day she’d had she couldn’t wait to get home. The only thing on her mind was a big tub of salted caramel ice cream in the freezer.

The rain had stopped by the time she got off the train. She managed to regain some of her composure and the cold wind kept her anchored in reality as she walked along the high street from the station. Exhausted, she fumbled in her coat pocket searching for her keys when James’ door opened.

“Have you just got back?” he asked eagerly. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?”

Annabel’s reaction was so automatic. She had no time to hide her confusion. It took her a few seconds before the realisation struck her that she promised to cook James dinner in return of the rescue mission he performed last night.

“You forgot!” he exclaimed.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t have the best of days.”

“Oh! You don’t sound too good. We can rain check if you’re not feeling up for it.”

Entertaining someone was the last thing Annabel felt like doing, but she hated to let James down especially after everything he’d done last night and she had to admit that being alone and feeling sorry for herself wasn’t exactly a great prospect either.

“No, I’m alright. Just give me twenty minutes and I’ll rustle something up.”

“How about if I order some food and you can tell me what happened that made you forget my dinner?” said James with a smile.

“Sounds great.”

***

“I’m stuffed,” said James as he leaned back on his chair.

“The food was delicious, but you should have let me pay for it at least.”

“Don’t worry about it. You can cook next time. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. I hope I didn’t impose on you.”

“No. It’s just… Things didn’t go to plan today.”

“I guessed that much. What happened?”

“To be honest, I’m still not quite sure. Everything was going so well. They seemed to like the presentation and I thought I’ve got the job in the bag. But then, they chose this other person. Sandra. It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. I mean she must have done a better job than me. It’s just that she’s only been with the company for like a year and she’s already ahead of me. I’ve been waiting for this for so long. I’ve put everything into it. Not just this presentation, but everything over the last seven years.”

“That sucks. I’m sorry.”

“It does! I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Look, I’m certainly no expert on publishing or book editing, but can I give you, my advice?”

“Sure,” replied Annabel a little hesitant.

“Sometimes you got to know when to stop trying. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had much luck at this place. Maybe it’s time to consider trying somewhere else.”

Although she had similar feelings about the situation, it wasn’t the advice Annabel was expecting. She wanted to hear words of reassurance that she was probably close to her breakthrough and that she shouldn’t give up. Instead, she was told to stop trying.

“How could I just walk away from it all? I’ve worked far too hard for far too long to start all over again.”

“But what’s the point if it’s making you feel miserable? Aren’t you supposed to love what you do every day? Look, this is only my take on it and you can ignore me if you like, but if I was you, I’d be looking for something else or at least somewhere else.”

Annabel stared at the plate in front of her.

“Anyway, I should get going. You must be tired.”

When James left, Annabel retrieved the tub of ice cream from the freezer’s and her thoughts turned to his advice. Despite feeling defeated and not quite knowing what to do next, she didn’t like it one bit; but more importantly she wasn’t sure if she was ready to let go.

***

A few days had passed, and Annabel was no closer to arriving at a decision about her future direction. Sensing it was time to leave her flat she made plans to meet her friend Lucy. They’d known each other since the first grade and no matter how busy life got, they always made time for one another. Lucy had a three-year-old and five-year-old and a third one on the way and adult conversations were a rare treat unless they involved arranging school runs or meal prep. They took turns in picking places to eat at and it was Annabel’s turn this time. She booked a table at Dim Sum Bay for seven that evening and was just about to leave her flat when the phone rang.

“How are you, Darling?”

Somehow her mother could always sense the most inconvenient times to call.

“Mum, what a nice surprise. It’s not the best time though. I’m about to leave. I’m meeting Lucy for dinner.”

“How lovely! I won’t keep you for long. Just wanted to discuss with you about having your dress fitted for Abi’s wedding.”

“Now? The wedding is still ages away.”

“It’s only a few months and you know what she’s like. She likes to get everything sorted well before time.”

“Yes, I know. Why didn’t she ring me anyway?”

“She’s busy with organising everything and work has been hectic at the practice; so, I offered to help out a bit.”

Of course, you did. “That’s nice of you. When do you want me to come up then?”

“It would be good to get it sorted before Christmas. Just so she has one less thing to worry about.”

“Before Christmas? I’ll see if I can get away, but I won’t promise anything.”

“It’d be good if you could but let me know either way. How are you otherwise?”

“I’m okay. Work’s busy as usual.”

“Have you heard back about your promotion yet?”

Annabel hesitated. She knew she would have to tell her mother at some point that she missed out again, but she was hoping that it wouldn’t be for a while; by which time she’d have gotten over the initial phase of self-pity. She couldn’t lie and her question had put her into a corner, leaving her no choice but to confess.

“I didn’t get it.”

“That’s such a shame! You could have been running the book shop here by now you know.”

“Mum, I really don’t want to get into this conversation again. We’ve been through this before.”

“I know, but it’s been such a long time and if they haven’t promoted you so far what are the chances of them offering you the position now?”

Evelyn’s words hit a nerve. It didn’t matter whether she was right or not, Annabel just wished her mother could be on her side for once. All she wanted was her sympathy, her encouragement that everything would work out in the end, but she should have known she couldn’t count on her for that.

“I need to go Mum. I’m running late already. I’ll let you know about the dress fitting.”

“Alright. Say hi to Lucy for me.”

By the time she hung up the phone it was twenty to seven and she had a fifteen-minute train ride to get to the restaurant. As she rushed out the door she nearly ran into James in the corridor, returning from his run.

“What’s the mad rush?” he asked.

“I’m sorry, I’m running late! I’ve got to be in the city in fifteen minutes,” she said quickly as she tried to get her unruly amber locks under control. “Anyway, I’ll see you around, I’ve got to run if I’m going to make it!”

“Have fun,” James shouted after her as she disappeared around the corner.

***

Lucy was sat by the bar when Annabel arrived.

“I’m sorry for being late. I hope you haven’t been waiting too long,” apologised Annabel as she reached her friend.

“I’ve only had one of these so far,” said Lucy pointing at the empty glass in front of her. “You might want to try it. It’s not as good as the real thing but it’s close enough.”

“What was it?”

“A Mockito I think. Are you alright? You look a bit flustered.”

Over dinner Annabel told Lucy all about the ordeals of the week. How she had a melt-down when she thought she lost her submission piece, how James helped her retrieve it and how she still missed out on the editorial job.

“It was an awful week, Lucy. And if this wasn’t bad enough, they gave the job to Sandra of all people! She had hardly been there for a year, and they thought she’d do a better job than me! And just to really rub salt in the wound, my mother rang just as I was leaving home today. She says hi by the way. I don’t know why she likes telling me how my life hasn’t turned out to be a great success so far and how I should pack this editorial malarky in. It’s like she finds great satisfaction in pointing out that I was wrong, and she was right. She’s convinced that I should’ve accepted the job to manage the bookstore back home when I had the chance. I know she means well, but it’s like she doesn’t know me at all or if she does, she doesn’t seem to care much about what I want to do with my life!”-

“I’m sorry to dump all this on you, Lucy,” apologised Annabel finishing her rant.

“I’m going to be frank with you, my dear” started Lucy after some contemplation. “I’m not saying your mother is right or that you can’t follow your dreams, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen you happy. This job has consumed your life for so long and as much as that might be what you want, what's the point if it isn’t making you happy? When was the last time you did something for you?” she asked and quickly added before Annabel could reply “and that wasn’t for work?”

Annabel sighed. “That’s kind of what James said last night. I know you’re both right in a way, but this is what I’ve been working for all these years. The late nights, the working weekends, the cancelled dates and holidays. It was all for nothing if I quit now.” Annabel paused for a moment before she carried on. “Without this, I’m not so sure I know who I am anymore.” Annabel’s eyes clouded over slightly as her words reverberated in her mind.

“Hey! Of course, you do. This job doesn’t define you,” said Lucy gently. “And I’m not saying you should quit. But maybe you could take some time out for yourself. And if you ask me, I’ve got just the idea. Why don’t you join me at the next book club event?”

“It’s on a week on Thursday at six thirty. We usually pick a book and talk about that but this time we’ll be discussing what we’ve read last month. I always get great ideas from it for my reading list. I know it’d be right up your street!” she continued. “It’s a great place to meet new people and it could be something nice you could do for yourself for a change”.

Annabel felt too drained to come up with an excuse and she thought she might actually enjoy herself. Lucy was right, this was her kind of thing. So, after some thought, she agreed to go along.

***