Charlotte's Candle

3rd November

My Mummy died today. Why did she have to die? Why didn’t God make her better?

I HATE YOU GOD

Nurse Davis told me she’d died. She told me to stop crying because I’m a grown up now and I need to look after my Father. But, who’s going to look after me? I’m only 11 and

I WANT MY MUMMY BACK.

I was on my own for ages and got really bored. When Daddy came and got me from the room, he cried and gave me a sort of hug which didn’t feel like one. He didn’t even kiss the top of my head. It wasn’t like Mummy’s cuddly, kissy octopus hug. Is he cross with me because Mummy has died?

Part One

The voice cried out from the light, “You will live and not die.”

Chapter One

A harsh gust of wind caused Charlie’s long, black hair to wrap around her haggard face. The weather had changed. When she first arrived at Bedruthan Steps, golden glimmers of autumnal sunlight sparkled and danced across the cold sea. Gradually, ominous clouds came down on the sun's performance. A storm was approaching.

Hours had passed by but she couldn't walk away from the dagger shaped pillars which loomed out of the sea. But why? This was her Mum's favourite place so the best spot to come and prepare for tonight. Placed neatly on a flat rock in front of her, were three precious objects. The silver-grey rock was like an altar, her belongings were the sacrifice. They would be going with her when the time came.

Just after her Mum had been diagnosed with cancer, they would often come here and walk along the Cornish cliff tops. Her Mum held her hand as she told stories about ship wrecked treasure buried away in hidden caves along the rugged coastline. As the cancer progressed, she became her walking stick and supported her on the tricky slopes. Once, when it became too much, she insisted on finding the treasure so they could pay the Doctors to make her better. Lovingly, her Mum had explained that one day she would be better but, the problem was, Charlotte wouldn't be able to see her as she would be in a special place. Charlie sobbed. It was a horrible memory. Even when she was dying, how could her Mum have believed in Heaven? Because, if there was a God, he certainly hadn't existed in a life like hers.

Forcing the thought from her mind, Charlie tucked her hair into her black jumper and crawled towards the edge of the cliff. But, not having a head for heights, she could only remain there for a few seconds. Expecting to see the beach, she peered over. Every grain of sand had been devoured by the turbulent sea. Far below, the wave's white horses galloped in and crashed onto the boulders. To her left, a squabble of seagulls glided on the gusty wind. It was going to be a strong storm which meant the conditions would be just right.

Slowly, the afternoon faded into the evening. Charlie watched the weather. The last vigil had to be a memorable one. The growing storm summed up all of her emotions. The anger within had bubbled to the surface like explosive lava and, bit by bit, turned into self-hatred. But why? In her Mum’s last days, she hadn’t been allowed to go to the hospital and say goodbye. Couldn’t tell her Mum how much she loved her. She was never given the chance to have that one last kiss and a cuddle. Then, after it happened, her Dad didn’t even let her go to the funeral. There were times when her inner voice had tried to make her to talk to other people but she couldn’t. The voice kept on saying, “Don't be afraid, tell them you want to be treated like a normal person...go on tell them how you feel...stop apologising for them when they think they have upset you...” She tried to talk but something was stopping her. Embarrassment perhaps. She didn't want people looking or talking about her. There was no desire to be the centre of attention like the other children in the class. All she wanted to do was to curl up into a ball and die. But then, she became alone. She grew apart from her school friends and managed to get away from her drug obsessed college friends. Paul was the only person who could sort out her mind but he’d continued to travel after she returned home. If only she’d kept to her rules.

Charlie tried to look for the seagulls. All of them except one had found shelter. The lone bird was circling near-by, crying out, but the rest of the flock weren’t there. Charlie thought that bird was her. So solitary. Her cries for help went unheard, they didn't care and that’s why she’d developed her rules – they kept her safe. Charlie closed her eyes and repeated them over and over again until she could no longer hear herself. “I won’t allow friends to get too close again…Don’t trust anyone…I will never fall in love… I won’t allow friends to get too close again…Don’t trust anyone…I will never fall in love… I won’t allow friends to get too close again…Don’t trust anyone…I will never fall in love…”

A thick, misty drizzle drew in from the sea. Charlie opened her eyes and licked the lingering damp away from her lips. All she could taste was the salty spray whipped up by the pounding wind. Time was pressing on. She began to gather up her cherished belongings. First, her Mum’s silver necklace with a heart shaped locket on it. She put it on and grasped the pendant with her fingers. It felt painfully cold as she tried to conjure up a picture of her Mum but she couldn't. A terrifying wall of anxiety and dread blocked her mind. Charlie looked up to the sky and shouted, “It's not fair - why can't I see you? I want to see you.” A guttural scream was muted by a sudden, screeching squall. Instead, she thumped the ground with her fists as she began to weep. Her whole body rocked backwards and forwards as she tried to ease the horrific pain.

Twenty minutes passed. Charlie calmed down and picked up a photo album from the flat rock. The pages, stained yellow with age, had damaged edges and, in places, lost their stickiness. Often, she’d looked through the faded photos of places she’d been, Paddington the tabby cat and, most importantly of all, the handful of photos of her Mum. These pictures were irreplaceable. On the days the image of her Mum wasn't there, she would stare at these photos trying to remember the sound of her soft voice, the smell of her perfume or even her smile. In fact, anything that would make the image of her Mum stay within her mind. Charlie carefully put the photograph album into her bag and looked at the last of her belongings.

This was her diary, written when the mood had taken her since the day her Mum died. The handwriting varied from very neat to badly scrawled, but the state of it didn't matter, it was the content. All those things she could never ever tell or sometimes even admit to. Charlie opened it and read through the last entry.

3rd November

Dear Mum,

I've reached the point of no return. Split up with Andrew this morning after a massive argument. He wanted to know the real reason why I don’t want to marry him. I wanted to tell him about my rules but couldn't. In the end, I kept on saying I didn’t love him which I know to be true but it's not the whole truth. I hate myself so much. Why couldn't I have been honest with him from the start? Why do I have to live with so many lies? I don't deserve love.

I can't bear it any more. All the things that have happened to me have been so unfair, so why carry on? You need to understand I desperately need you to put things right because I can't do it by myself. So, if I go now, I can be with you and you'll protect and love me. I'm sorry Mum, I know I've failed you after all the strength and encouragement you gave me. But, the one thing I want most in this world is to see and be with you,

Love you always,

Charlotte

Charlie continued to look at the last entry. She read and reread it as the thick drizzle turned into hard rain, marking the pages. There was no hidden message or sudden revelation about her life. It was the end. Charlie sighed, closed the diary and placed it into her bag. Time to see if she’d be brave enough to do it. She picked up the bag along with the small, flat altar rock, stood up, shuffled close to the cliff edge and looked down as she looped the bag around her arm. The sea's temper had risen along with the tide. The boulders at the bottom had disappeared as the sea attacked and now started to ravage and consume the next part of the cliff. Further out, sludgy slicks of seaweed rolled around in the powerful ocean swell. Taking deep breaths to steady her nerves, Charlie shifted a little bit further towards the edge. The rain lashed down onto her face and bare neck, it felt like splinters fragmenting her skin. Her whole body shook with fear and, even though she was soaked through, she could feel the sweat on the palm of her hands. Her arm trembled as she held the rock over the sheer vertical drop. She felt dizzy as her eyes refused to focus and the slow deep breaths turned into quick shallow intakes. She was rapidly losing control over her body. “Charlotte, I love you,” whispered the tempest from within, causing her knees to wobble as her feet resisted the last step. Astonished, Charlie screamed “Mum?” as she let go of the rock. The churning sea swallowed it up in a matter of seconds as she collapsed back onto the ground and literally fought for breath.

Time slipped away. The black blanket of night had drawn in over Charlie's paralysed body. Had she heard her Mum? In the distance, a small beacon of light swayed in the storm. It was a fishing boat. Transfixed by the light, she watched it until it disappeared from view. Unlike her, the fishermen would be going home to loved ones tonight. Trembling violently, Charlie’s rain seeped, black clothes clung to her like setting concrete as she tried to move. She was too scared to do it here and would need a new plan. Picking up her bag, she began the long walk back to her car.

Stumbling, Charlie struggled to keep to the uneven footpath. The rain and wind battered her body, making it difficult just to move. Wearily, she slipped and caught her foot in a hole covered with tangled clumps of grass. A red, hot searing pain shot up her right leg as she stumbled and fell. “Damn,” screamed Charlie as she hit the ground. Undeterred, she let out another cry of anguish as she got up on her twisted ankle and, even though she was limping, continued on her way.

Relieved to have reached her car, Charlie threw her bag onto the passenger seat and eased herself in behind the driving wheel. Her ankle throbbed and her fingers felt numb with the cold as she frantically tried to turn the heater on to warm up. It refused to work but there was no point in worrying about it now, because this time around she was going to use her car to help her.

* * *

Peter Lewis drank the last of his coffee and plunged his mug into a bowlful of hot washing-up water. In his thick Cornish accent he said, “Thanks Hannah. ‘andsome meal as always but tis getting late and I best be on my way.”

Hannah moved the net curtain to one side and looked out the kitchen window. ‘Are you sure you want to drive back home this evening Peter? This rain’s dreadful. You can always stay here for the night.’

Peter grinned and shook his head at his caring elder sister. “No, I'll be fine.”

“Promise me you'll drive carefully,” said Hannah. “And phone me when you arrive back home.”

Peter put on his coat. “Course I will Hannah but I need to go now before it gets any worse. I pity anyone who's out on a boat tonight.” Over the years, he'd known people who’d tragically lost their lives at sea. Peter shuddered. Somewhere, someone would feel the pain of death tonight. No one was safe on nights like this.

Shivering and with her swollen ankle feeling very stiff, Charlie sat in her car on the highest hill overlooking St Austell Bay. The howling wind slammed into her car and it felt like she was just about to be ripped away from the road. Feeling sick, she tried to concentrate on the view. On a fine night, when the moon and stars were out, the beaches would appear so serene and beautiful. But tonight, through the torrential rain, the bay seemed like a never ending black abyss with a scattering of small orange street lights flickering in the storm.

She checked her watch. There was now less than ten minutes left to live with only one final request. To be free from all the pain and suffering she endured. What had happened was in the past but the pain was constantly there. This left only one way out. To let her body go beyond the edge and fall into the darkness. A place where not one person or event could inflict the horrendous pain she had experienced. But, she wanted no way back. Success was vitally important.

Driving slowly up the hill out of St Austell, Peter Lewis desperately tried to avoid the twigs and branches scattered all over the place. Even with the high sheltered hedges, he still struggled to steer the car. As he came round a sharp bend, he felt the full force of the storm. A small branch broke off a tree and thundered down onto his roof. ‘Maybe this was not such a good idea after all,’ he thought. He stopped the car and decided to turn around and spend the night at his sister's home.

Her plan. Drive as fast as possible and crash into the bend that lay ahead of her.