Ian Krietzberg
Ian is a passionate storyteller in all of its many forms.
In his novels, poems, and short stories, he strives to explore concepts of morality and human willpower, while also examining the different relationships characters have with their own mortality. He lives for the wonderful exhilaration of creation, of sculpting lives and conflict and reality; filling a blank page with ink and all the life that is summoned with the majesty of the written word is a powerful, magical thing.
Ian is also a musician and composer and has worked professionally in both the journalism and freelance writing fields since he was a senior in high school.
He lives in New Jersey.
Award Category
Oathkeeper
My Submission
Comments
A really interesting story.
Hi Ian. I am really intrigued by your story. I love how you use a map as the object of your character's desire. It makes me, as the reader, want your characters to find this map because I want to know what it leads to.
Your descriptions are good, but I did feel that you add too many details; for example, when Aleyson begins to sweat, you mention his toned arms, knees, and neck. I noticed this is something you do throughout. I think if you pulled back slightly in how much you are describing, it would make for a better read.
As I read your submission, I got a sense of mystery and intrigue surrounding Ruymir and Ayrika. I find that this makes me want to discover more about them throughout the rest of your story.
Hi, Ian! I thoroughly…
Hi, Ian! I thoroughly enjoyed the chemistry between Ruymir and Ayrika. Their conversations fueled my interest in the story and the reasoning behind their actions. Your submission starts off with an interesting and attention-grabbing scene, which made me want to keep reading.
Good simmering tension and intrigue
There was good tension in the standoff between the merchant Faar and Aleyson. Good use of sound details in description, too, such as the creak of a chair with a shift in weight.
Watch out for action sequences becoming a little unclear.
For example, the woman who springs into action (Ayrika) is described as being stationed behind Faar, making it seem as though she is a traitorous employee, yet then she is referred to as Aleyson's 'companion', which would make it seem as though she attended the meeting as Aleyson's associate (in which case why would Faar have stationed her behind him?). Perhaps 'accomplice' would thus fit smoother for clarity. These smaller details of clarity can pull the reader just a little out of the story.
This aside there was good intrigue about the map. Beautiful description of the mandolin.