This Is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods: A Practical Guide for Healing Past Intergenerational Stress and Trauma

Introduction

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” - Chinese Proverb

Despite the amazing modern luxuries of civilization, life is still not supposed to be easy. Mother Nature alone presents challenges like natural disasters and medical issues. In addition, you have likely experienced hardships at the hands of other human beings, like a stressful childhood that included family dysfunction and trauma. If you suspect that the stresses of your youth continue to impact your functioning today, then you have the right book in your hands! You may quickly find that generations of family struggles have delivered to your doorstep many challenges you believed were of your own making.

Childhood stressors too often come as emotional and verbal violence, in addition to the more well-known types of violence: physical and sexual. Most familial violence stems from personal suffering, leading to defensive aggression toward others. Another traumatic stressor can be found in the neglect of children by parents who are unavailable due to their suffering, fear, addiction, and avoidance. Harsh poverty, actual and perceived lack of resources, modeled aggression, and a void in education all contribute to significant stress, trauma, and interpersonal violence within communities, including the community of family. Humans, in their suffering, have learned to use violence to survive, dominate, and control one another.

In my graduate studies and clinical experiences, I became deeply interested in the trickle-down impacts of intergenerational trauma on individuals struggling within their family unit. It seemed as though certain family environments shared many characteristics that made them fertile grounds for trauma. I researched and trained in various therapies aimed at helping people in such situations. Still, I could not find a comprehensive approach to understanding and addressing the full picture in my training. As I sought to develop my own curriculum, I learned as much from my clients over the years as I did through my academic studies. I wanted a straightforward list of these commonalities between families thick with trauma, and over my career as a clinical psychologist (I shifted in 2022 to life coaching), the list grew to 20. Each of the 20 variables required therapeutic attention, which led to the 20 rules presented in this book.

Having worked directly with clients for over 22 years now, I know that while it is tempting for someone suffering from a traumatic childhood to pursue quick solutions—like the ‘right’ medication or a weekend seminar on “learning to forgive”—these pursuits are simply not enough. Contrary to many programs and therapies that attempt to offer instant solutions or address one part of the puzzle, this book focuses on the steady accumulation of critical skills and knowledge over time that will help you address the many complex variables and challenging processes required to exit the life of intergenerational trauma.

If you are waiting for your parents (or grandparents, or guardians, or the government) to finally ‘fix’ the mess that they created—or perpetuated—you will likely never experience great gains in your personal life. As an adult, it is now all on you to take care of yourself and those you love. Luckily, taking personal accountability for life circumstances, your future, and your behaviors will lead to perpetual upward mobility. This book is about adopting a set of rules, values, and skills that will enable you to thrive in the areas of your life that you choose. This book is not about learning to ‘get by’ or barely survive trauma: if you are reading these words, you have accomplished that, at the very least.

After earning my black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, I opened a martial arts academy in my hometown. I provide a similar service there to what is offered in this book: guidance to help members in their long and challenging process of developing technical skills to help them overcome potential obstacles in life. I can provide the instruction to my students, but it is worthless if the individual student does not apply themself to their personal development of each technique.

Much like these martial arts practitioners, if you want to thrive past your family’s dysfunction you must adopt a lifestyle that includes weekly personal challenges that lead to demonstrable functional growth, increased confidence, advanced competencies, esteem for self, and greater familial happiness. That means you are invited here to learn the skills, knowledge, techniques, and competencies that will foster healing from your own family’s intergenerational history and minimize familial dysfunction and trauma for all who apply themselves. Together we can spread transformative love, respect, and true strength as we build a thriving community for the next generation.

Please do not mistake this for a “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get over it” book. That statement is typically ludicrous in suggesting that all one needs to do is toughen up and get back to work to succeed. It offers no learning, healing, or precise guidance beyond “get over it.” It shows an enormous lack of insight, empathy, and life experience.

This book is an educational and instructional manual, offering ideas and specific tools to elevate your family from generational trauma. Here you will find guiding truths and pathways away from despair, conflict, and isolation. These pathways instead move you toward greater connectivity with others and with yourself, thus maximizing enjoyment of the beauty, meaning, and happiness that this life has to offer.

A Working Definition of Intergenerational Family Trauma

Intergenerational family trauma (aka intergenerational trauma) refers to a broad spectrum of symptoms, dynamics, and genetics resulting from the traumatic experiences of an individual or family, which are later passed down to the next generation of the family. The research on intergenerational trauma has predominantly focused on specific ethnic or cultural groups, like Jewish descendants of Holocaust survivors and African-American descendants of American chattel slaves. Researchers found that many descendants show unique characteristics that resembled the PTSD of the trauma survivors (their ancestors) themselves (Van Steenwyk et al. 2018). While this field of study is relatively new and rather sparse, the findings have been consistent and undeniable: intergenerational trauma is a real thing.

Rather than focusing on any specific ethnicity or culture, this book focuses on the individual human elements in reactions to intergenerational trauma and stress. We will address the dysfunction within the individual and the immediate family resulting from past generations of trauma, violence, and neglect. Parts of intergenerational trauma can be accidentally passed down through the generations

in various ways, including:

• Teaching fear and distrust of other human beings to children.

• Modeling a life of anger and resentment.

• ‘Protecting’ children from anything considered dangerous, yet failing to teach them how to handle that danger independently.

C-PTSD

There are clinical terms for the effects of childhood stresses in later life. The most common resulting mental health diagnosis for adult survivors of intergenerational trauma is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD): a psychological disorder that develops in response to prolonged childhood experiences of interpersonal stress and trauma from which escape was difficult or impossible. Traumas can include physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse perpetrated directly against a child or their siblings. Trauma can also include neglect, in which a child is not given sufficient care to maintain positive mental health. Life stressors like moving frequently, divorce, social bullying, homelessness, and poverty can have the effect of a high frequency of lower-intensity stresses that overpower a child’s coping skills when not thoroughly tended to by capable parents.

A stressful childhood, in the absence of effectively soothing parents and coping skills, leads to a childhood experience of feeling very unsafe or uncared for. A child living in fear for extended periods during childhood, even in the absence of ‘direct’ abuse or severe neglect, can develop C-PTSD. Symptoms include interpersonal problems (chaotic relationships), negative self-concepts, interpersonal sensitivity, emotional dysregulation (panic, rage), behavioral difficulties (impulsivity, addiction), cognitive difficulties (dissociation, distortion), and somatization (health, physical problems).

C-PTSD is different from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is a psychological reaction to a highly stressful event, such as combat, physical violence, or natural disaster. Symptoms of this disorder develop in the days and months following the trauma and usually include re-experiencing the stressful event as chronic anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts. The distress associated with the trauma typically leads the individual to avoid triggering reminders of it, which often leads to significant difficulty in resuming their normal life routines and relationships. For example, the survivor of a motor vehicle accident typically has a difficult time getting back into a car for months. Their brain simply remembers how dangerous cars can be, so it reminds the person of the danger with vivid memories that “automobiles = danger.”

There is much overlap of symptoms (such as intense emotional responses and avoidance of triggers) between PTSD and C-PTSD, so do not worry about getting all the details memorized at this point. It is helpful, however, to learn the language.

The ‘complex’ part of C-PTSD says it looks and feels more confusing than ‘simple’ PTSD. When a child has experienced an upbringing that included abuse, chronic stress, fear, or neglect, that child’s brain develops the subconscious belief that “humans = danger.” As an adult, the C-PTSD survivor has learned to mostly interact with other people in a normal way but may respond in a ‘crazy’ or intensely distressed way to perceived attacks from loved ones.

Most of my trauma clients were surprised when I suggested they were likely struggling with C-PTSD. Their first response was typically, “But I have never been in the military.” They soon learned the truth: that combat, sexual assault, motor vehicle accidents, and natural disasters produce roughly the same percentage of PTSD for survivors as stressful childhood experiences. Once clients searched the internet for information on C-PTSD, they often told me in the next session they found much more helpful information relevant to their situation than when they had researched PTSD.

Developmental PTSD (D-PTSD) is another term much like C-PTSD. Developmental trauma means a child’s brain, personality, and interpersonal dynamics develop differently in response to prolonged stress and trauma. The terms D-PTSD and C-PTSD are typically used interchangeably, but including D-PTSD in your search terms may help with more thorough research online. For the rest of this book, we will refer to C-PTSD.

What complicates the diagnoses of C-PTSD and D-PTSD further is that many clients are hesitant to acknowledge that their childhood may have been sufficiently stressful to be considered ‘traumatic’. Neglect, for example, can be confusing. With single parenting, the lack of a two-parent team often leads to an overworked parent who cannot spend enough time, focus, and emotional energy on their struggling children. One of my former clients remained resentful and angry toward her mother and refused to speak to her absent father, who had essentially abandoned her physically, emotionally, and financially. Because he left before she could remember him, she did not think about him except to refuse to allow him back into her life. Her mother had worked 2–3 jobs simultaneously to provide financially. While she did so with tremendous courage and diligence, she left my client alone most of the time or in the care of questionable others. My client experienced her childhood largely without guidance or interactions with her mother or absent father. In moments of fear, her mother was unavailable for comfort or guidance. Overwhelmed and overworked, my client’s mother slept or sometimes drank when home and so had little time to focus on her daughter.

This story of neglect is frighteningly common. Another client described her father humorously as “just fucking crazy.” Initially, she viewed her upbringing with adaptive humor that enabled her to function rather comfortably in the presence of her father, who struggled throughout his lifetime with schizophrenia coupled with severe drug addiction. She first disagreed with my suggestion that she had been raised in an intensely stressful environment filled with intergenerational family trauma. I asked, “Could you ever rely on your father to care for you in a soothing, loving, consistent fashion?” Her response was as emotionless as it was certain, “Absolutely not. Not ever.”

While I did not at all wish to paint my client’s father as some ‘monster’ or terrible ‘abuser’, he failed in his duties as a loving, protective father. We do not need to judge him or label him, but it was helpful for my client to understand that she, as a matter of basic fact, did not have the guidance or stable love and support of an ever-present father. This is stressful, if not traumatizing, for any child, and this client had developed significant obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) symptoms early in her childhood and significant C-PTSD dynamics by early adulthood.

Unfortunately, many clinicians (therapists and doctors) miss the C-PTSD diagnosis because it is so poorly understood. Perhaps you are only reading this under threat of separation or divorce from your spouse—as I often heard, “He (or she) is the problem, so they need to fix themself or I will divorce them.” Perhaps you fear handing down your dysfunction to your children. Or maybe you agree with another client who said in our first session, “I need to un-fuck my thinking.”

If you have experienced significant family stress and trauma, this book should be helpful for you. If your parents, grandparents, or even great-grandparents experienced traumas at various points, this book is for you (and them). Whatever your reason for reading, I believe you will find valuable guidance here toward thriving in your life!

Misdiagnoses for C-PTSD and Intergenerational Family Trauma

Because so little is known about C-PTSD, many who live with it are misdiagnosed. I conservatively estimate that over 85% of the ‘bipolar disorder’ clients that came to me were misdiagnosed by other mental health professionals. I only worked with a handful of true bipolar clients, but I worked extensively with literally hundreds of C-PTSD clients. The most reliable time to tell the difference was after the client had become proficient at self-soothing. When they could control their ‘fight-or flight’ mode, their ‘bipolar’ behaviors and symptoms largely disappeared. With actual bipolar disorder, the manic and depressive episodes cannot be resolved in just minutes with any one skill set. Medications are needed to temper the biological extremes that last for days to weeks, not minutes. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you may want a second opinion!

Other misdiagnoses for C-PTSD clients included psychotic (schizophrenia, schizoaffective) or delusional disorders in which the survivor’s sense of reality was intensely distorted at times. I saw this distortion of reality many times when my client reacted to a perceived meaning or body language that occurred in a session with their significant other. My client first assumed that their perception was 100% correct. After several sessions in which we focused on that one conflict, these clients saw clearly that their ‘reality meter’ was off. These therapeutic experiences offered the life-changing insight that their reality had been drastically warped by their stressful childhood experiences of intergenerational family trauma.

A diagnosis of various disorders under the umbrella of paranoia is also common. These are not necessarily misdiagnoses because it is normal for C-PTSD survivors to have multiple diagnoses, and paranoia is understandable as a natural consequence of prolonged interpersonal abuse. A common example is when one partner insists that the other is cheating, or wants to cheat, even when there is no evidence for the accusation. I am acutely aware that infidelity occurs because many clients came to confess! This is not that kind of situation. Here I am referring to the situations that proved to be without infidelity, and yet the C-PTSD partner felt certain that their spouse was cheating.

The issue of misdiagnoses is important for C-PTSD survivors, therapists, and doctors. When survivors of intergenerational trauma start reading books about CPTSD instead of bipolar or schizoaffective disorder, they often feel more validated, hopeful, and somewhat relieved by finally putting their finger on the right topic.

Sadly, C-PTSD is still not an official diagnosis recognized by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), as it’s not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (2013). This means that less research goes into it, insurance companies may not cover treatment for it, therapists do not get adequate training in it, and the general population remains uninformed about it. This is distressing when I consider that, in my estimation, over 80% of my clients have struggled with significant symptoms of C-PTSD and/or intergenerational trauma.

How to use this book’s rules

As human beings, we live according to various rules that guide us to survival and success throughout our lifespans. Some of these rules are natural laws, such as, “Stay away from things that can eat you, like lions and bears and sharks.” We typically follow these rules out of self-preservation. There are also cultural and societal rules that each community cultivates to live peaceably together. The rules in this book include a combination of natural and man-made rules, which foster healing from past trauma and violence, draw us together as human beings, and build personal strength to prepare individuals for life’s continued struggles. Eventually, the rules can help us learn to love ourselves as we do others... and forgive ourselves as we do others. Endeavor here to learn these rules and then practice them throughout the rest of your life. As with societal and religious guidelines, we will fail and make mistakes, but we can always redouble our efforts to live by them. Just follow the rules, even as we continue to refine and individualize them, and they will offer a consistent path of upward mobility for both you and the next generation.

Learn them. Memorize them. Start practicing them immediately.

My martial arts instructor once opened up an intense 4-day combatives (self-defense) course with this warning: “There will be no easy buttons sold here.” He explained that easy buttons are techniques that seem like they would save the day quickly and rather easily...