The Fading Signs of Trouble

Aria glanced down, hoping to distract herself by watching her freshly manicured toes fidget up and down in her strapped black sandals, whilst she anxiously waited for Edward to arrive. Butterflies filled her stomach, whilst goosepimples covered her arms in waves. It was here, two years earlier that she had met him. Not Edward, but him.

It still remained the most poignant of encounters for her, meeting him. A moment, for which she was oblivious to then, but that would go on to change her life forever. Whilst Aria, at the time, remained relatively inexperienced, many of her friends had been in a number of relationships by the age of sweet sixteen. It wasn’t that Aria hadn’t been open to the idea, it just never seemed to happen for her. Yet Aria remained increasingly interested by the all too often and consuming conversations, where her friends would debate ‘is he the one?’, ‘do I say ‘I love you’ yet?’ and ‘what does it mean when they haven’t text back in 24 hours?’ Aria had always wondered what it was like to fall in love, curious by the intensity and dramatics that seemed to surround her friends whenever they began to date someone new. But after him she knew what true love was. The inseparable bond between two people meant to be together, she knew then, never came with a question mark. All of Aria’s previous ideas of what love was, how it felt, were completely blown out of the water. She learnt quickly how all-consuming love was and how it can all too easily take control of you and your life when you least expect it to.

“Can I get you anything love?”

Aria looked up to see a kind pair of large, ageing eyes looking at her, awaiting her response.

“Oh, no, thank you, I’m just waiting for someone….Actually, yes please. Can I have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc please. A large one.”

“Of course, I’ll get that for you now lovely” and off the bar lady went, early fifties, to fetch Aria’s drink, stopping off at a nearby table to ask how a family was enjoying their meal, despite half of it being on the floor underneath the chairs of three small children.

Aria smiled. He had always wanted children. Despite knowing they were both too young, they loved to talk and daydream about it amidst the heights of their glory days and even threw the same precious fantasy at one another on their bad. It was by chance that Aria met him, but the impact he had on her life, even the person she is today, was more significant than she ever could have imagined. Her life literally opened its doors to him, so much so that she could barely remember life before him, and the intensity of her feelings became even more apparent the further down the road they went. Aria literally buckled up for the ride, not having the desire, or capacity, to understand or even take note of her spiralling emotions. She had never experienced this intense feeling towards a person before - this overriding feeling that she just had to get to know him. A gut feeling that she couldn’t do justice trying to explain, she just knew that she couldn’t walk away and risk not seeing him again.

“Here you go lovely, I’ve set up a tab for you. Just remember to come and pay at the bar when you’re finished”.

“Thank you”, Aria said as she smiled at the older lady, before slipping back into her thoughts.

They had met one evening whilst she ordered at, and he worked behind, the bar. The same bar that stood behind her now, with the same artwork either side and the same lights that hung too low above the bar staff’s heads, so just like back then, they continued to have to duck and dive as they made their way from one side of the bar to the other. It hadn’t taken long to exchange numbers and within a week their first date had turned into a second, and then a third. Aria knew instantly that she wanted to be in a relationship with him, she knew whatever this was between them was special. Aria’s first proper relationship had begun and boy did it get serious and fast. He had recently bought his first flat, just a couple of weeks before they had met and it wasn’t long at all before he had given her a key, and a trusty drawer for her belongings when she stayed over. Aria may only have been sixteen at the time, but from the beginning of their relationship they were often together from the moment he finished work until one of them had to leave for either work or college the next morning. They were inseparable, living life together on an absolute high that nothing, or no one, could knock them down from. But unfortunately, as they say ‘what goes up, must come down’.

Aria couldn’t see it then, but she knew all too well now, just how much she’d been living her life in a bubble. She spent so much time with him that her family never got a look in, her studies were on the decline, her friends rarely got one on one time with her and as things had got so intense so quickly, there had been no time for her to take a step back to look at what was actually happening to them. Within just four months, they had gone from soaring the skies together to the beginnings of a hugely toxic relationship. Aria had begun to crave her own time again, wanting to spend time with her friends, who had started telling her she was starting to change, but the thought of going out without him had seemed so alien to her and he would always ask her to stay in with him instead. On the rare occasions that she did go out without him she allowed herself to feel incredibly guilty, as if she was picking her friends over him, that she would often end up leaving early, letting her friends down, as she just didn’t want the arguments when she got home. The honeymoon period had started to wane and she remembered no longer wanting to isolate herself like that; he had the considerations of work and paying bills, but she had still been so young, so carefree. She had loved him deeply but she also wished, that they had taken their time to enjoy one another, and not become so serious so fast.

How different her life could have been today, and how easily too, made her shudder with unease.

It hadn’t been long before the comments started of how he didn’t want her to go to university, once she finished college. She knew how he felt, as how could they go from practically living together to seeing each other only every other week. But his initial concerns had escalated quickly from the occasional ‘it’s going to be so hard when you go to university’ to guilt trips and pressures of ‘do you really have to go?’ and ‘you’re going to meet someone else and then what will I be left with?’. Aria knew, even then, that someone who truly loves you would never ask you to sacrifice your dreams, wants or prospects in life, or even make you feel guilty about pursuing them, but at the same time she also knew it was ultimately her making this decision for them; it was in her, not their hands.

Aria suddenly tasted a salty tear enter the corner of her mouth, thrusting her back into reality. How long had she been crying? Had anyone seen her? She looked around, but everyone else in the bar was wrapped up in their own lives. The three children who had covered the floor in spaghetti, were now busy colouring in some pictures the motherly bar lady had managed to find, to help appease them whilst their parents ravenously wolfed down their own meals. The parents were bickering between bites, in that inconspicuous manner, where you wouldn’t instantly realise anything was wrong, but on second look you would realise their tone and expressions carry a stark clarity of anger and increasing resentment towards the other for their failings as a parent this evening; from not ordering the right meals, to forgetting their daughter’s favourite toy and for their overall inadequate parenting that has culminated in the hyperactivity and wails of their youngest child.

How does love go from thinking the other is perfect, that they can do no wrong, can walk on water, to jibing at one another, saying hurtful comments that you would never even think of saying to your friends, for fear they’d never speak to you again, yet is somehow acceptable in the blight of an argument with your partner. Aria remembers the day when she introduced him to one of her best friends, before only later that same evening he had asked her if she’d ever dye her hair blonde and how he had always had a soft spot for petit, fair heads. Aria, a tall brunette; size 10/12, but having been overweight most of her childhood, remembered how his comments had hit her…hard. The same week, he had suggested that she should start running; that she should jog from her parents’ house to his flat when she was coming to see him, rather than getting a lift. The U-turn from when he would hold her and tell her how beautiful she was, to then making her feel like a rotund elephant, as they walked down the street together was unfathomable. Aria remembered how she had felt like she was continually being punished, but for what she wasn’t sure.

It was about 10 or 11 months before they first broke up. Aria had been an A grade student and was horrified to see that she had barely passed her first year at college. She was so angry with herself. Her relationship was falling apart, her friendships were suffering, she was having constant arguments with her family and then any hope that she had to go to university was disappearing fast. She could still remember the phone call she made to him; instantly calling him when she found out, hoping for a few kind words, a shoulder to cry on, support from her partner, but he couldn’t get off of the phone quick enough. He had got so angry with her asking ‘what will your parents think of me now?’, thinking that they would end up blaming him. Aria had been astounded how he had made her crisis about him, but she had lost all of her energy to fight with him by then and just listened, reactionless, to what he said to her. That night Aria had gone over to his flat to see him, but when she arrived, all she got was “What?!, why are you here…this is my flat…well I don’t want to see you” and he sped out of the flat before she could even get a word in edgeways, the door slamming behind him. Aria had spent the whole night crying into his pillow, hoping he would walk back through his front door any minute. Aria immediately regressed into ‘what have I done wrong?’ and ‘how can I fix it?’, neglecting the fact that things hadn’t been going well between them for a long time. Aria could still remember the helpless feeling, like everything had been ripped away from her and the desperation, that if only she had him back, that she would be OK again. But he never came back. It was the coldest of break ups. Upset and confused, not understanding herself, let alone knowing what to say to her friends and family when they later asked what had happened. For months Aria had blamed herself and assumed all the guilt for why they were no longer together. She had been an emotional wreck and that’s how she stayed for a long time, constantly asking herself ‘how did I let it all go so wrong?’.

“Hey babe, sorry I’m late.”

Aria jumped in her seat and came crashing back into reality.

“Woah, are you OK? Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Too many of these?” Edward joked, as he gestured towards her near empty glass. “I wanted to ditch the car so we could enjoy a glass together, I hope you’ve not been waiting long?”

Edward leant down to give her a kiss whilst placing his hand gently in the small of her back.

Aria closed her eyes, and felt a chill run through her body. “No, not long” Aria replied, as she took the last sip of her wine and simultaneously a deep breath in. “I missed you today” she said.