Those We Trust

Every person we allow into our heart and soul will change and define us. Some bring goodness and restoration to our souls, flooding them with light. They will strengthen our hearts, be a protective shield,
a soothing balm to our deep wounds.
Then there are the others who bring nothing but darkness and despair to our hearts and try to blacken our souls until they are exactly like their own. They will drag us down into their pit with them. But we must fight to rise again.
Until we are once more touched by the light of the dawning sun.

Chapter One

In my defining moment, each of my senses became aware of the smallest, most infinite detail. The distant cry of a wild, eager fox. The soft, rippling sound of crystal water stirring within the loch. The sweet scent of a pine tree moving lazily in the wind. The freshly fallen leaves dancing around our feet. The acrid, metallic taste in my mouth as I forced away its dryness. His warm breath on my neck, stirring the tendrils of my hair and sending a tremor through my body.

I let my eyes drift closed to savour it all for one sweet second. My hand moved carefully behind me, so he could reach for it. As I felt his calloused palm cover mine, I squeezed hard, knowing without any words he would understand what I needed. We spoke a silent language, our bodies moving of their own accord.

Then, knowing all too well what would confront them, my eyes reluctantly opened. Yet still, the shock of meeting those eyes staring hard and dangerously at me caused me to stiffen and bite down hard on the inside of my cheek. Eyes that had once looked at me with affection were now that of a feverish stranger, hell-bent on getting what was so desperately sought, regardless of what happened to me. Had I ever really known the person behind them?

As we stood there, suspended, each waiting for the other to make the next crucial move, I knew it was my choice now as to how this tale would end. Would I go back to the woman I had once been, full of self-doubt, low, hollow, and giving in to the inevitable? Or would I rise up and fight back, show my new strength and courage to protect the man I loved fiercely?

Had it really only been five weeks since I’d made a different choice to take up a seemingly kind offer to stay at a friend’s apartment? Had it been so short a time from when Aneella had smoothed her way back into my life after ten years of utter silence? When she became determined to have her way over my life, once again...

Chapter Two
Five Weeks Earlier...

It hadn’t been the best of mornings.

The rain was coming down in lashes, hitting the fragile, paned glass windows of my flat in Buxton. A headache loomed viciously behind my eyes, emboldened by the tossing and turning of the last few nights. My body was trying desperately, even now, to adjust to the absence of Richard’s reassuring bulk beside me.

Shivering a little, I reached for my black, woolly cardigan strewn on the chair behind me, muttering as I did, “It’s May, for heaven’s sake, it’s not meant to be cold.”

Standing up from the desk, I stretched out my body, stiff from sitting cramped over the computer, and absentmindedly rubbed my painful forehead. My freelance work, writing and designing computer programmes, filled up what would otherwise be long, empty days, and I was very grateful for its lifeline. But today, it felt like a burden pressing down on me.

Letting out a sigh, I walked into my rather compact kitchen to search out some headache tablets, then filled a glass to swallow them down. As I did, I stared across at the computer. The thought of sitting in front of it again was almost unbearable, but I needed to, for my already restless client was growing more agitated by the hour.

I hadn’t sat long, a large steaming cup of tea untouched beside me when a loud, insistent rap at the door had my fingers freezing on the keyboard. Frowning, I swung to look at the door as if expecting it to tell me who it was. No one, except the odd delivery man, came knocking on my door. When the rap came again, I pushed back and walked over, smoothing down my hair as I went.

A woman stood there, strikingly familiar in her stance and the way she held herself proudly, her blond hair stylishly flicked away off her face even when drenched by the rain as it was now. I inhaled in a stunned, incredible gasp.

“Surprise!” Came a laugh so clear it reminded me of polished glass.

“Aneella, Ella... Is that you?” I stuttered out, hardly believing what I was saying.

“The one and only! I happened to be in town and thought, why not look up my old uni friend Sophia? And see, here I find you at home, what could be better! Pleased to see me?” she asked, smiling confidently.

I couldn’t help but shake my head as I said, “Of course... of course, I am! And incredibly shocked... It’s been so long! Ten years at least, and you’ve hardly changed... I...”

I found myself lost for words. Aneella stood there looking expectantly at me, her smile beginning to freeze. I could see a whisper of impatience in her eyes, and the familiarity took me straight back to our university days together. It was enough to compel me to say, “Would you like to come in, have a cup of tea?”

The smile returned. “Now, that sounds like a perfect idea. Don’t suppose you’ve got something stronger than a tasteless tea bag dunked in water?”

A laugh escaped me, even as I once again shook my head in mild disapproval. “Some things never change, Ella. It’s only two-fifteen in the afternoon!”

Aneella raised an eyebrow. “Anything past twelve o’clock is considered pre-dinner in my eyes.”

“Now that, I do remember,” I commented mildly. “But I’m afraid I don’t have anything alcoholic to offer, at least nothing I’m prepared to give someone of your refined taste. Would a coffee go down better?”

She sighed. “Marginally so.”

While I made her coffee, she wandered around my compact lounge, picking up family photos and well-thumbed books before replacing them. I could see the restlessness which had often led me into trouble at university still course through her, like an electric current refusing to burn out. The smartly dressed woman before me was still the scantily dressed girl of twenty who’d caught us all up in her wild adventures.

“Are you hungry? Can I get you something to eat?” I offered, carrying her mug over to where she stood before picking up mine from the desk.

Aneella shook her head. “No, no. Come join me over here,” she ordered as we sat down on the faded blue sofa. “Tell me everything. What are you doing as a job?”

“Still in computers. I know, predictable and boring. But I work freelance as a programme designer, which is a nice perk. I can somewhat make my own schedule. How about you?” I asked.

She waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, in a bank... But it’s too dreary to even talk about. I need a change.”

“Is that why you’re here? In Buxton?” I broached, curiosity biting away at me.

“One of the reasons.”

Before I had a chance to delve deeper, Aneella moved on, “How long has it been since we graduated from university? Ten years or more?”

Sipping my tea, I nodded. “We graduated at the end of 2007 in July. Don’t you remember how we all nearly passed out from the heat, wearing those thick black gowns?”

“I hated that gown, didn’t you?” Aneella put down her mug. “But we had such riotous years together, didn’t we? Life
seemed... so easy and uncomplicated, like anything was possible if we believed hard enough.”

Perhaps for you, came my unbidden thought. But I played along with her, spinning a happier tale than what had been
reality. “I’m not sure the caretaker in our dorm ever really forgave us for that incident with the toilet paper and cold jelly in the bath!”

Aneella raised one elegant eyebrow. “I suppose it’s no wonder we were told to find different student lodgings after that. Some people have no sense of humour.”

We both laughed, drawing us together.

“And how’s Rich? In fact, where is he now, at work?” Aneella looked around as if expecting him to jump out from nowhere. “Can’t believe the university sweethearts got married right away and lived the dream. We all envied you, you know.”

My laughter died away. Unwanted tears pricked my eyes. Aneella must have seen, for her smile slipped. “Sophia?”

I shook my head. “He’s gone. Please,” I said, taking her hand in mine, “don’t ask me anymore.”

She stared at me, then slowly nodded. “Love can be a bitch, can’t it?”

The unexpectedness of her words made me half laugh, half cry. “Yes, yes, a complete bitch.”

She kept her hand in mine, and it gave me the courage to say, “I missed you, missed our friendship. After our wedding, it was like you cut yourself off from us.”

Aneella said nothing, letting go of my hand. I began to fear I had said too much and opened my mouth to swiftly apologise, only for her to say, “I needed to find my own space, my own walk in life. I’m sure you understand.”

No, not really. I forced a smile. “Yes... yes, of course, I do. No one wants to be around newlyweds.”

My eyes must have deceived me. There was a streak of guilt in her own as she looked at me. “Now, I feel awful because it’s obvious I did upset you immensely,” she said.

“Please, don’t worry. I’m a big girl—”

Her eyes bore into me. “No, no, it won’t do, especially as I can see how tired and... down you look. Depressed even, if that’s not too strong a word.”

Her stark, blatant words descended on me, stinging like salt on an open wound. With them, a crippling weariness I’d been battling to push away for months darkened over me. Right then, all I wanted was to cover myself with a blanket and sleep, just sleep, shut out the darkness swirling in my mind. Instead, I forced myself to smile and deny the evident truth. “

“A little tired maybe, but I’m okay.”

Aneella shook her head impatiently. “You think I’m buying that? You’re clearly in low spirits, and I’m not surprised, with Richard gone. What can I do to help? No, no, don’t say anything. Let me think... Of course, I’ve got it! What you need is a little holiday, and I have the perfect solution for you. Why don’t you go and stay at my apartment in Inverness? Rent-free naturally.”

“Inverness? You live in—”

“Absolutely! You could relax, enjoy the Scottish Highlands, have some well-deserved R & R. Oh, do say yes,” she cajoled.

I stared at her, mouth agape. This was moving too fast for me. “But where will you stay if I’m using your apartment?”

“Oh, I have to go to the south for a while. I’ll be gone for a few weeks. In fact, you’ll be doing me the greatest favour. I don’t like to leave the apartment empty for too long. Come on; it will be fun! Maybe when I get back, we could spend some days together, explore the area before you head home. I’ve barely visited anywhere in Scotland, how shocking is that? It will be an adventure for us both.”

She was pulling me fast into her persuasive plans. It sounded heavenly and almost dreamlike. But I vainly tried to resist. “What about my work? I can’t let my clients down.”

“Take your work with you. You must have a laptop. Work for a few hours, then put it away and enjoy what Scotland has to offer. What do you say? Say yes,” she said breathlessly.

We both knew I would. How could I refuse this unexpected gift? I wasn’t in a great place, that much I could admit. I had shut myself off from everyone, even my parents. But I couldn’t hold it all in for much longer; I wasn’t strong enough. Perhaps a change of air, a short break, was exactly what I needed.

“Alright, okay. Yes, I would love to, thank you. Just for a few days.” I smiled, relieved to have had the choice made for me. If I was being honest, though I’d toyed with the idea of a solo holiday, I would never have booked one. I just wasn’t the brave, adventurous type embracing this new single life, though I yearned to be her with every fibre within me.

Aneella’s eyes widened in delight. “I knew you would go with my fabulous idea! Oh, that’s fantastic, Soph. Now, I feel so much better for not being around these last few years.”

She pulled me into an unexpected embrace. I found myself laughing, returning the pressure of her hug and the comfort of another person’s arms around me after such a long time without.

We spent the rest of the afternoon planning my impromptu trip. Aneella ducked out to buy some wine, insisting I share the bottle with her. I began to unwind as we reminisced over those hazy days of university, digging out some old photos I still had, while playing our favourite songs we once danced the night away to. After Ella’s expensive wine bottle ran dry, we succumbed to my cheap supermarket bottle left over from Christmas.

We grew drunker and louder by the hour, so much so my disgruntled neighbours stomped on the floor to complain. The hours flashed by, and at some point, we crashed on the sofa like distant nights gone by, only without Richard stretched out between us.

It was like we had never lived these last ten years apart.

Chapter Three

With my suitcase packed for the morning and instructions to go to Aneella’s neighbour at number twelve to collect the keys, I settled down to get some sleep, aware I had a long day ahead of me.

Except my body, it seemed, had other ideas. Hot currents of electric pulses raced round my blood, despite exhaustion making my bones groan. I kept reliving last night and that exhilarating thrill of Aneella turning up so completely out of the blue, a much-needed reminder of my former, happier self. I hadn’t laughed, or drank, that much in a long time. Far too early this morning she had left in a whirlwind, looking all fresh-eyed and dewy while I had looked like death warmed up on a really bad day, promising to see me soon.

I was also aware that Aneella had coaxed out of me my deepest fears and insecurities, yet stubbornly kept her own reasons for being in Buxton locked away. It didn’t surprise me; it had always been in her nature to distrust others. Yet if I was honest, truly honest, it had always stung a little how she never trusted me with her thoughts and fears in all the years we lived together, sharing lodgings but never anything of substance. Even after four years, so much of her had remained a mystery, an enigma that could never be puzzled out. Yet one thing had always been evident: her ambition to rise above her own rank, and a ruthless determination in that pursuit.

When I did fall into a restless sleep, my dreams were full of Aneella and Richard, entwining, moulding until they became one person. I was once again eighteen, so full of naivety and wide-eyed innocence, walking into my dorm on that first day of university. Aneella was already there, stretched out on the bed she had claimed for herself, with her clothes flung carelessly into the wardrobe and dresser as if she had no concern for them.

She looked up as I shyly walked in, dragging my heaving case behind me. I felt her cool blue eyes appraise me, taking in and calculating everything about me before I had even spoken a word. I tried to smile, failed miserably, and found myself unable to stop staring at her cascading ash-blond hair streaming over her shoulder and the effortlessness of her.

Breaking my gaze away, I shuffled over to the unoccupied bed, feeling wholly ordinary and colourless beside her, and wishing the ground would swallow me up.

After a few moments of utter silence, where I stared blankly at my case without taking one single item out, a voice as clear as crystal water remarked amusedly, “Do you need a hand? You seem a little... lost.”

Her words instantly hit me hard in the chest, and I felt exactly that—lost. I forced out a smile as I turned to her. “I’m not used to unpacking. I know, a bit sad for someone my age.”

Aneella climbed off the bed and walked over to me, giving me a sympathetic look. “Why don’t you let me help you.” It wasn’t phrased as a question. “Clearly, I’m an expert in the art of unpacking.” She waved at her messy wardrobe with a grin.

I laughed in a wave of relief. “I’m Aneella, but my friends call me Ella.”

My smile stretched out as I held out my hand without thinking, making Aneella burst out with laughter. I made a poor show of trying to change it into an awkward wave as if it were my intention all along, groaning inwardly.

“Sophia.”

“Sophia, I think you and I are going to have a lot of fun together...”

Her voice echoed in my mind before receding. My dreams then scattered and dispersed, forming again to take me back to that fateful night which followed that first day.

The night I met Richard.

I had found it impossible to resist Aneella and her determination to enjoy every minute of her newfound freedom away from the “shackles” of her home life, as she put it. She was tempting, persuasive, and addictive to be around, impossible to refuse. All this I quickly discovered.

We had gone to the local student bar where all the freshman had descended like a swarm of ants. If it hadn’t been for Ella’s firm grip on my arm, I would have bolted for the hills, feeling overwhelmed and hopelessly out of my depth.

We had pushed our way through to the bar, where the surfaces were crammed with empty glasses and sticky with spilt drink. A harassed girl not much older than us with stick-up neon pink hair was trying to keep up with the demand.

Ella turned to me and shouted over the noise, “What would you like?”

“Ummm...” I tried to look like I was considering, when, in reality, I was completely drawing a blank. I’d never had an alcoholic drink in my life. What did the cool girls drink? I discreetly looked around me trying to clock one. There was one, wearing cut-off denim shorts and a wispy top, flicking back her super sleek hair and drinking... Smirnoff Ice.

“I’ll have a Smirnoff, thanks.”

Ella raised her eyebrows, “Vodka? I’m impressed.”

Vodka?! “Oh, well, you know. If you’re going to drink might as well do it in style.” I gave what I hoped was a confident smile.

While Ella made her presence known at the bar, I looked around, feeling conspicuous and seriously out of place. The urge to scarper was beating strong within me.

It was then, as I contemplated making a discreet exit and was turning to leave, that my eyes collided with his. Seeing my immediate untamed reaction to him, intense and disturbing, had him grinning with a self-assured confidence I desperately envied. He stepped closer to me and was about to say something when Ella appeared beside us, draping a casual arm around his shoulders and planting a kiss on his cheek. His arm came around her, and I found myself staring at them.

“I see Rich has wasted no time in introducing himself to the pretty girl,” Ella commented, passing me my drink.

“You know me, sweetheart.” Richard basked us both with his wink.

I found my voice. “Are you two together?”

Ella nearly spluttered on the mouthful of cider she had just taken. “Hell, no! Annoying childhood friend who followed me here more like. We would kill each other in seconds if we were together. Isn’t that true, darling?” She turned and gave him an intense look that left me doubting her conviction.

“Too true. She is the devil incarnate.”

“Shut up.” Ella hit him, then let go of him, frowning hard. “Why do you always call me that?”

“Because it’s true to the core, and you know it.” Richard moved away from her, dropping his arm and giving me his full attention. I found myself nervously smiling as he took my hand and raised it almost to his lips. “What kind of a friend are you, anyway, when you don’t introduce us properly?”

There was a flash of anger in Ella’s eyes, before she smothered it with a too-bright smile. “This is my roomie, Sophia. Isn’t she sweet, innocent, and adorable? This is my bastard of a friend, Richard. I’m sure she would be perfect for you. Maybe turn you into a decent human.”

“Wouldn’t she just?” His eyes bore into me, making my body feel hot and sensitive. It travelled across my skin, making me feel like I needed to breathe cool air. His lips still hovered over my hand, his breath warm, eyes alight with the challenge of conquering me.

No, let me walk away... why can’t I... help me... don’t let him touch me, I’ll be lost. His lips are brushing my skin— don’t... No! Please—

It was my soft moaning that finally dragged me out of my fretful dream. I touched my hot, sweaty hand. The imprint of his kiss still shivered there, and I stumbled out of bed to wash it harshly away.

It had been the same cursed dream that had haunted me for weeks, and I was becoming almost familiar with its damnation. Each time I fought with myself to walk away before he could leave his kiss on my hand. Each time I failed. The inevitably of that continually left me feeling weak, frustrated, and useless. Could we ever change who we are, our reaction to another?

Yet there was something new tonight that left me inwardly inhaling in surprise. It was the first time I had dreamed of Aneella.

Finally, after tossing and turning with short, unsatisfying bursts of sleep for the rest of the night, I got up at 5:00 a.m. as the sun began to tease the horizon.

After a quick breakfast, I showered, dressed, then packed up the car, determined to shake off my dream from last night. I think I knew if I stopped to think about the rationale of taking this sudden, unplanned holiday, I could easily talk myself out of going. I wasn’t by nature a spontaneous person. I planned everything with meticulous precision, weighing up the pros and cons before committing to anything. Only when I was around Aneella did this hidden person erupt eagerly out of me, and now I wanted it to push me on, tell me to go, go, go. I badly needed to get out of my own turbulent head, just for a few days. I needed to escape from a heart not yet healed.

As the roads carried me away from the never-ending stifling greyness and into Scotland, even my tired eyes couldn’t help but admire the ever-changing urban to wild landscape. From sweeping glens and gentle streams to lush green rugged rises and mist-covered mountaintops, its vastness and raw mystery swirled toward me, hitting my senses. The snow-capped Highland mountains peeking out of the clouds were still some way in the distance, yet, somehow, they dominated the skyscape, proud and magnificent and soaring.

A need to reach out and touch them overpowered me, making me gasp softly. I wanted to walk amongst them, lose myself in them. Perhaps there, in their overwhelming solidness, I would be able to shake off my pain over Richard. Perhaps there I could lose myself in their healing powers.

I was so absorbed by my thoughts and the pull of the mountains I didn’t clock that I was approaching Inverness. I switched on my satnav, and, for the next twenty minutes, I followed the tinny voice to perfection until I found myself parked up in the apartment’s car park, impressed with what I was looking at.

The apartments were tasteful and newly built. Optimism swept through me. Not such a bad place to stay for a holiday, I smiled.

Taking a deep breath, I climbed out of the car, grabbed my suitcase from the boot, and began to walk toward the glass-fronted entrance doors.

As I did, the hairs on my neck stood up. I turned around, expecting to see someone coming up behind me. No one was there but me and lots of parked cars. It must be tiredness. I shrugged it off, laughing a little at my own fanciful thoughts.

Pushing open the front door to step inside the cool air of the lobby, I pressed the button for the lift, a smile on my face with the thought of finally relaxing after a long, aching journey. With a smooth glide, the lift carried me up.

Only a few feet away, two men sat in the parked blue Volvo watching the dark brunette get out of her car, crank her neck to look up at the apartment block, then heave her suitcase out of her boot and slam it shut. She locked the car and walked up to the front doors.

The one with the camera had already zoomed in and taken a photo of her when she happened to turn and glance their way, a small frown creasing her forehead. The other wrote down her car registration number, then said, “We should let the boss know there’s someone new on the scene.”

With a nod, the cameraman pulled out his phone and began to dial. As he did, he looked sideways at his companion and commented with a wry grin, “Had a nice-looking arse on her, didn’t she?” For this, he was rewarded with a sharp flick to his forehead and was told to, “Shut the hell up and focus. This one could be important to us.”

Unaffected, he gave a short bark of laughter, winking suggestively as he waited. The call was answered on the second ring.