Next Door Nemesis

As Audrey restarted ‘Old Macdonald’ for what felt like the six millionth time that day, she wondered if the best years of her life were behind her. She pondered this as she drove, absent-mindedly singing “E-I-E-I-O” along with her children. She hadn’t woken up one day and said, “I think I’ll be a tired, uninspired, divorced mom of two.” Life’s circumstances had gradually chipped away little pieces, one by one, until she hardly recognized herself anymore.

Her once stylish hair and makeup had been exchanged for a messy bun and a quick swipe of deodorant, and her current skincare routine consisted of scraping sleep from her eyes with a baby wipe. She’d even traded her cute compact car for a practical minivan during her second pregnancy; a minivan she was currently steering into a restaurant’s drive-thru for a rare treat of fast food. It was her kids’ favorite way to clog their little arteries, and Audrey was certainly not too proud to bribe them with some salt and grease every once in a while.

The only dining establishment in their tiny town of Blossom, Mississippi was a locally-owned burger joint called Toylet’s Eats and Treats— and yes, Toylet’s was pronounced the same as toilets. The owner had been dead set on having his last name in the business title, despite it being an extremely unappetizing one. He had even tried shortening it to the initials, but the resulting acronym T.E.A.T. hadn’t been much better. Even with such an unfortunate name, Toylet’s was always busy. The service was slow, and ninety percent of the menu was deep fried.

Her seven-year-old son pounded his fists against the seat in front of him and chanted, “I want french fries! I want french fries!”

Audrey steered her minivan to the end of the lengthy line of cars. “I hate to tell you this, Elliot, but you’re gonna have to eat something other than French fries at some point in your life.”

“French fries! French fries!” parroted three-year-old Josie from her car seat.

“Whyyyy?” Elliot whined. “They’re vegetables and vegetables are healthy!”

“Sorry buddy, but I’m afraid french fries do not count as vegetables.”

Kicking her feet, Josie screeched, “I want chocolate milk! I want a toy! I want ketchup! I wa—”

“But why don’t they count as a vegetable?” Elliot shouted over his sister. “I saw a video on my tablet about how french fries are made. They grow in the dirt, and the farmers pick them with a big truck, and then they cut them up to make french fries, and that is how I know that they’re vegetables!”

“That’s true… but french fries don’t have enough vitamins or nutrients in them to be healthy.”

“Well, we eat gummy vitamins already. And besides, I don’t want any new tree ants…or any ants!”

Audrey chuckled. “It’s nutrients, not new tree ants, and it just means that fries aren’t very good for your body.”

“Well, does chocolate have any vitamins or tree ants? Because that’s what you ate for breakfast today, and you say breakfast is the most important meal.”

“I want chocolate!” Josie cried.

Audrey groaned. She didn’t think they’d seen her scarfing down the king size chocolate bar. She silently scolded herself, making a mental note to be a better example to her children. She considered giving up chocolate, but quickly decided she’d just find a better hiding place for her moments of weakness— maybe the laundry room?

“Cheeseburger or chicken nuggets, guys?” she asked, pulling forward a few feet and ignoring Elliot's question about the nutritional value of chocolate.

“I said I want french fries!” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at her.

“Well, we could just go home and eat the casserole Miss Mabel gave us.”

“No!” Elliot cried, panic quickly replacing his anger. “I’m sorry, Mommy. Please, please, please don’t make me eat that stuff; it smells like the bathrooms at the zoo!”

Audrey pressed her lips together to stop from laughing. Elliot cautiously added, “You did promise us french fries today.”

“You pwomise, Mommy!” Josie raised her beloved stuffed fox over her head and chucked it across the van. The second it left her chubby hand, she let out a shriek. “Foxy! Mommy, I want Foxy!”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have thrown him.” Audrey sighed. She turned in her seat and stretched her arm as far back as she could, but Foxy was just out of her reach.

“I need Foxy! Get for me now!” Josie demanded. Her voice was shrill enough to shatter glass.

“Elliot, will you please grab Foxy for your sister?”

From his seat in the back of the van, Elliot folded his arms across his chest and shook his head. “I’m not allowed to take my seatbelt off.”

“Just real quick while we’re stopped! It’s okay, we’re not even moving!”

“It’s against the law! We could go to jail!” Elliot shouted incredulously. “Do you want to go to jail?”

Sounds like a vacation, she thought as Josie’s shrill voice got louder and louder. Each shriek was like a stab to Audrey's pulsing temples. She dropped her head to the steering wheel, closed her eyes, and let out a deep breath. She hoped Elliot's stubbornness would serve him well one day, but today it was just giving her a migraine.

Audrey quickly put the van in park and hopped out. She hit a button to slide the back door open and stepped into the back of the van. As she stretched across Josie’s car seat and bent over to reach the fox, she tried very hard not to think about how she must look with her backside sticking straight out. Just as the tips of her fingers closed around Foxy’s ear, a loud car horn sounded from behind them. She jolted up and slammed her head on the roof.

“Ouch!” Audrey winced, rubbing her head and dropping the fox in Josie’s waiting arms. She stepped down and straightened to face the vehicle behind her, fully prepared to give its driver several pieces of her mind. The offending car was sleek and black with windows so tinted, all she could see was her own reflection glaring back at her. It reminded Audrey of the Batmobile.

“Can I help you?” she shouted at the driver she couldn’t see, placing a hand on her hip to further demonstrate her annoyance. The black car’s windows remained up, and its driver remained silent. Audrey felt her cheeks heat from anger and embarrassment. She felt like an overblown balloon— paper thin and threatening to burst, and the person behind her was brandishing a needle.

Audrey looked behind her at the line of cars and saw that it had moved up six feet at most; they were still miles away from the speaker. She thrust her hand out towards the small gap in the line and gave an exasperated look as if to say, “You seriously honked at me over that?” In reply, the driver laid on the horn again, this time for several seconds.

Pop.

Rage sparked and lit Audrey’s blood on fire. She lifted her hand to shoot a particularly offensive finger at the black car but stopped short when she saw her children watching.

Audrey turned her raised hand around and gave a sarcastic little wave, then got back in her van and put it into drive. Right as she let her foot off the break to slowly ease forward, the driver of the black car revved the engine and pulled out of line in an attempt to cut in front of her. The nerve!

“Hold on, kids,” she warned. They obeyed, squealing with delight as Audrey stomped down on the accelerator and rocketed forward. At the same time, the Batmobile zoomed around, barely managing to squeeze the front of his vehicle in front of hers. The car was at an odd angle, blocking traffic in the outer lane. Audrey exhaled steam from her nostrils. He’d won by a nose.

A massive truck attempting to leave the parking lot honked his horn, and Audrey felt the tiniest sliver of satisfaction knowing that her new nemesis seemed to be universally despised. The line finally creeped forward a few inches and the truck was able to drive past, presenting the black car’s driver with the very same finger Audrey had stopped herself from holding up moments earlier.

“Mommy, why’d that guy do that with his finger?” Elliot asked.

“Oh…uh, he just wanted to show everyone his favorite finger,” she told him, feeling way too exhausted for the onslaught of questions she knew the true explanation would bring out.

“Wow, that’s my favorite finger too!” Elliot proclaimed, proudly holding up his middle finger. “Because it’s the tallest!”

“My finger too!” shouted Josie, using her right hand to hold her left middle finger straight up.

“Wonderful,” Audrey mumbled, rolling her window down as they inched closer to the speaker. She noticed that the black car’s window had lowered too, and she shushed her kids, wanting to see if the driver looked and sounded as ugly as he acted. From the car came a deep and impatient voice, ordering a large black coffee and a side salad (Toylet’s has salads?). She noticed that he said neither ‘please’ nor ‘thank you’ to the employee who took his order.

“Manners, Batman.” Audrey pulled up to the speaker. “Your Batmom would be so disappointed.”

“Can I help you?” a tired voice crackled from the rusted speaker.

“Ummmm…” Audrey said nervously, realizing she had spent most of her time in line fuming, neglecting to finalize their dinner order. She glanced up and startled a little, seeing that his window was still rolled down and he was staring back at her through his side view mirror. Even with a frown and a few days’ worth of stubble, she could see that he was handsome. What an injustice, she thought, turning back to the speaker and ordering two kids’ cheeseburger meals with apple juice.

As soon as she finished speaking, Audrey cowered to shield herself from the atomic bomb that must have surely been hurtling toward them— because nothing else could explain the sudden piercing cries that threatened to rupture her eardrums. Except… she realized the sounds of warfare were coming from inside the van. She whipped around to find two little heads thrown back, both wailing in despair.

“Just one second,” she yelled to the speaker before turning back to face her banshee children. “Guys!” she shouted over the chaos. “What is the problem?”

With tears streaming down their faces, Elliot sobbed, “I wanted chicken n-n-nuggets!” as Josie wailed, “Trockwit miiiiiiiiiiilk!” After letting out a growl of frustration, Audrey looked up in time to see a glowering Batman rolling his window back up with a look of disgust, like a king raising the drawbridge on diseased peasants. She knew her kids could be a bit much, and she couldn’t help the embarrassment that sliced through her. After correcting her order, Audrey pulled up to the first window to pay.

“Hey hon, it’s gonna be a few more minutes on that salad,” she heard the woman at the second window say to Batman. “We don’t get a whole lotta orders for them since it ain’t on the menu. You can just pull up to that red line and we’ll bring it out to your car when it’s done.” Batman huffed and jerked his car forward only a few inches, parking several feet short of the red line the girl had indicated.

Audrey moved up to the second window, taking the bags of food from a woman whose name tag read ‘Debbie.’ When she tried to pull her van around the black car, however, she realized it was too close for her to squeeze by. She turned her wheels as far as they would go, reversing a few inches to get a better angle, but she was still stuck. She looked up, expecting to see Batman’s window rolled up, but he was looking—smirking—at her again.

“Excuse me! Could you pull up a little?” Audrey shouted in an overly peppy voice. “I wouldn’t want to scratch your girlfriend’s car.”

“Oooooooh!” Josie squealed. “Pretty car!”

Audrey gave the man an over exaggerated grin, enjoying his annoyed expression. Her satisfaction quickly faded, however, when his window began to rise, and Batman smiled evilly back at her before disappearing behind the dark glass. His engine stilled, and he climbed out of his car, locking it with the push of a button.

“Sir!” Debbie called, leaning out of the window to shout at him. “Sir, you can’t park there!” but he either did not hear her— or pretended not to, marching through the restaurant's side door without a backwards glance.

No. He. Didn’t.

Audrey seethed, briefly imagining how satisfying it would be to scrape his car, but she knew she couldn’t afford an increase on her car insurance.

“Y’all know that guy?” Debbie asked from the open window.

“No ma’am,” Audrey replied, “and I don’t think I want to. He has got to be the rudest person I have ever encountered.”

Debbie nodded. “And now these are startin’ to melt,” she sighed, nodding at the two gigantic pink milkshakes in front of her. “It’s too dang hot to have ‘em sittin’ out.” When one of her coworkers walked past, Debbie grabbed his arm and said, “Hey Ralph, go on out there and see if you can have some of them cars back up a little so we can get this line movin’ again.”

“I can’t believe one inconsiderate jerk is causing so much trouble,” Audrey remarked.

Debbie sighed. “Karma will get him back one of these days.”

Audrey nodded slowly, looking from the milkshakes to the Batmobile, then back to the shakes again. “Yes… karma…,” she said slowly, an evil idea forming. “Maybe that day is today, Debbie. How much for these milkshakes?”

Debbie shot her a quizzical look, then understanding lit her face. “Oh honey, these are on the house,” she whispered, passing the cups to Audrey with a wink.

The back of the van filled with Josie and Elliot's shouts of “Yay!” and “Milkshake!”

Debbie looked down the line of cars and said, “Oh, they moved the line back some. You should be able to get out now— but give me a second before you do the… karma,” she said, digging in her pocket. “I gotta get it on camera.”

Audrey laughed and thanked Debbie again before backing up and maneuvering into the outer lane. She pulled up beside the Batmobile and stopped to remove the milkshake lid before she could chicken out. She heard Debbie say to another customer, “Hold on, I’m gonna get you your food, but I gotta see this first.”

Audrey heard whistling and turned, surprised to see she had a captive audience. All the cars that had witnessed Batman’s rudeness were cheering her on, grateful for entertainment during their long waits.

Elliot looked at her. “What are you do—”

“Hey guys, listen up— if y’all want to drink one of these milkshakes, you’re gonna have to play a fun game with me! I need you both to close your eyes and sing ‘Old Macdonald’ as loud as you can. Right now.

“Ready?”

“Yes!”

“NOW!”

Two little pairs of eyes shut tight, and Audrey cranked the volume. As “a moo moo here, and a moo moo there” blasted from the speakers, she chucked the half-melted milkshake on the black car— at the exact moment its owner stepped outside.

Cheers erupted from the watching cars, and Audrey felt a rush of danger mixed with a prickle of regret as she watched the sticky pink mess slide down the sleek exterior of the car. She braved a glance at its owner and saw his brow was furrowed with confusion. He couldn’t see the mess from where he was standing, but he knew something had happened. He looked up and their eyes locked for a second… His were swimming in apprehension; hers felt drowned in fear.

Audrey swallowed and stepped on the gas pedal. Her heart galloped in her chest as she peeled onto the small highway, eyes darting between the road and her rear-view mirror. He had moved to the front of his car and was staring at its new strawberry-flavored accessory. Then, he looked straight at her van before getting in his own car and taking off.

Audrey’s stomach clenched. Was he angry enough to follow her? She had a decent head start, but that little car he drove was made for speed. Sure enough, when she glanced back, he was switching lanes to position his car right behind her.

“Hold on tight, guys!” Audrey took a right turn way too quickly and her tires squealed with the effort. She felt a surge of adrenaline. Nothing this thrilling had happened to her in ages.

She looked back and breathed a sigh of relief when she no longer saw his car. She took the long way home anyway, just to be safe.

Audrey parked in front of her small apartment building and had almost managed to get the kids, their food, and the remaining milkshake safely inside when the door next to theirs creaked open.

Audrey clenched her teeth into a tight, forced smile and braced herself for the inquisition. Mabel Bellgrave was in her usual loose cotton nightgown, her gray and blond hair wild and frizzed. Mabel’s hawk eyes flew immediately to the fast-food bags in Elliot's hands.

“That stuff is no better than garbage,” she grumbled at Elliot. “That’s no good for a growing boy like you!”

Elliot shifted the greasy bags behind him and backed slowly towards his front door.

“It’s okay every once in a while,” Audrey said with a smile. “You know, everything in moderation and all that.”

“Hmph.” Mabel sniffed. “What about that nice healthy casserole I made y’all?”

“Yucky.” Josie scrunched up her nose.

“Yes, we did see a ducky today!” Audrey said loudly, hoping Mabel couldn’t see straight through her coverup. “Your casserole was so good, we… finished it already!” Audrey made a mental note to have a little chat with her kids about white lies.

“Well, how am I supposed to know that when you haven’t returned my casserole dish?”

“Right, it’s just… soaking. I’ll have it washed and back to you first thing tomorrow.”

Mabel nodded, directing her scowl at the milkshake. “Audrey, you’ll never catch a good man if you keep eating all that sugar. I can see it’s going straight to your hips.”

“Alright. Thank you as always, for the advice, Mabel,” Audrey yelled before her neighbor could say anything else. “I’d better feed my kids their garbage before it gets cold. Good night!”

She shoved the kids and the junk food inside their apartment, and quickly locked the door before slumping against it. Their apartment may have been tiny and cluttered, but she was grateful for refuge from jerks in black cars and judgmental neighbors.

Audrey got her kids settled at the table with their meals and took a few sips of the milkshake, wishing it had been chocolate. However, she had to admit, the shock of that artificial pink was much more aesthetically pleasing against the sleek black car than dull brown chocolate would have been. Audrey chuckled to herself, replaying the satisfying splat of the milkshake against the Batmobile. I still can’t believe I actually did that, she thought.

“I thirsty,” Josie said, interrupting her thoughts.

“Me too,” added Elliot.

They must have left the drinks in the van. “You guys keep eating; I’ll go grab them,” she said, unlocking and opening the front door. As she retrieved the chocolate milk and apple juice from the van, she heard the sound of gravel crunching under tires.

Audrey glanced up, planning to wave hello to one of her neighbors, but froze in place. Her heart plummeted, but she was paralyzed as she watched a man climb out of a familiar black car.

Batman had found her.