Mark Penfold

Gardening is my lifelong hobby. Dirt first slipped under my fingernails when mum and dad trusted me not to lick them clean. Despite putting soap under them before planting and other wheezes, nothing helps. Now dirty fingers denote a good day, well spent, even though my wife disagrees. I know I love my pastime, but not why. Friends utter words such as, “Gardening relaxes me,” “Gardening supports my mental health,” or “Gardening is good for my soul,” without knowing how. Ancient Egyptians believed that to enter heaven, they needed to answer two questions correctly. First, did you give joy? Next, did you find joy? Gardening provides the means to give correct responses to both questions. Let’s find answers together.

My large bookcase holds many works covering the craft of gardening. This text isn’t ready to join that elite group because ways of showing double digging are finite. Thus, I offer no step-by-step guides on building arbours or cropping mangos in Leeds. Instead, I choose to explore garden mystique, not technique.

Caveats apply, therefore. By reading this book, no amateur becomes a master gardener, so it cannot turn dull plots into Chelsea gold medal standard before lunch. It focuses on joy in gardening and where to find it.

So, what do I bring to this task well-known garden authors miss? For experts, work, and gardening coincide. As a result, our gurus do not steal time from office demands or family routine to garden. My gardening, however, comes after family, work, and sleep. While no garden maestro, I juggle my hobby with these demands. I extracting as much pleasure from my imperfect plot as they derive from forging their grand designs. So, my unique selling point is I am no expert. This helps me connect with those whose fingers are flesh coloured, not green.

This is no attack on gardening greats. I love them, follow their advice, value their skills and respect their passion. The world deserves more, but space remains for the layperson’s view.

My gardening time, therefore, is not a mere distraction from wider worries or just a mental health salve. It brings me closer to nature’s rhythms and whispers her pain at human made wounds while offering me a minor role in bringing solutions.

Take these words as my whims, not a manual. It aims to spread joy and improve the self-esteem of unskilled gardeners. Gardening well is important but matters less than feeling well gardening.

Contents/List of Modules

Page 4 Introduction to the tutor and course

Page 7 What is a Garden?

Page 21 When Faced with a Superior Opponent, Stop Fighting

Page 35 Novice or just Inexperienced?

Page 50 Gardening as a Fashion Statement

Page 64 Pests, Diseases, and Garden Hazards

Page 78 Allotments

Page 92 Gardening as Subversion

Page 107 In Defence of the Weed

Page 120 Gardening as a Life Coach.

Page 134 Colour and Interest

Page 148 Using Things You Grow

Page 161 What Kind of Gardener are you?

Page 176 Horticulture and the Arts

Page 190 Gardening without a Garden

Page 203 The Makeover Garden

Page 216 Effective Practice or Away with the Fairies?

Page 230 Gardening and Wellbeing

Page 241 The Joyful Gardener’s Code

Module 1 What is a garden?

Thank you for choosing my distance learning course, “Choose To be Well Gardening Over Gardening Well.” I am your tutor, so please allow me to introduce myself.

Today brings my 4.6 billionth birthday. Isn’t it strange how twenty-four hours make you feel much older? Despite knowing all my relatives and friends have the same birthday, I always celebrate. So today, I aim to soak the gap between neck and collar of a random climate denier with no umbrella.

They call me Prudens Aqua, the first raindrop to fall. I have no parents to blame for my quirky name, as we earn those over a brief million years based on our traits. It is an agender name from the Latin neuter adjective noun meaning ʻ wise water. ʼ My status has advantages. It avoids all complications linked to sexual reproduction and finding partners. Thus, raindrops don’t invent inflated dating profiles or waste time thinking where he, she or they are this time.

Accepting my structure’s vagaries has required time. I am still fresh, supple and mobile as my early weeks, thanks to my infinite regeneration you humans call, ʻ The Water Cycle, ʼ I keep busy. In doing so, one minute I hitch rides on vapour rising above oceans, before cooler air alters my state. Then, a brief visit to the upper atmosphere ends with a precipitous crash to ground and repeat. That hurtle to earth part never gets easier, still making me nauseous. This may happen twenty times per week, though I once stayed frozen in the Artic for two million years. I like those quick naps. You see me shatter, hitting the ground, so believe I possess no brain and judge me on my external H2O looks. After the gas parts shatter, I just thumb a ride on fresh emerging hydrogen and oxygen molecules as they return skywards. Puffer fish like, I change shape and size without problem as I renew.

Humans call my outcomes ʻ The Water Cycle, ʼ but I represent much more, giving and sustaining life. Without me, there is no you. The converse is not true. Eons before homo sapiens tumbled from trees, I rose and fell and will conduct my rounds long after your extinction. Oh yes, humans will die out, repeating the fate of hordes of past species. At least dinosaurs did not hasten their own demise.

Although people cite the laws of physics when describing rain, I am much more than one small branch of science. I watch major events unfold and touch each square metre of the planet several times each millennium. Expert in all fields, I know history, art, and geography beyond doctorate level, thus learning more every million human days. I speak 6,632 different languages. If you notice me arrive and say, “Oh, not more rain,” you demean yourself.

My job yields countless perks. Free travel takes me everywhere, although not first class, providing front row views of key events. My big regret was reaching Pompeii too late soon after viewing the meteor which killed the dinosaurs. Damping down those fires on the slopes of Vesuvius would have fulfilled my career. I splashed the guillotine which cut Marie Antoinette down to size and watered the Garden of Eden’s seeds. Frizzing rich ladies’ hair and stopping cricket games at crucial points shows my sense of fun. I pre-empted Livingstone by knowing the true name of the Victoria Falls before he dripped his sweat on them and I claimed America for nature ahead of Columbus.

Past roles involved misting lycophytes you only recognise through fossils. I also soaked T-Rex, drenched the pyramids, then wet the Great Wall of China. When gardens and flowers did not exist, I fell on ancient life forms. Let me help you comprehend our differing perspectives. My experience says the most precious plant in your plot will vanish while I blink twice and inhale once. If I disappear, humans vanish. If humans disappear, other species flourish.

Though science attempts to describe me, I understand this discipline better than it knows me. However, I enjoy a range of other discussion topics.

Why me you shout because humans have more plant experts than stegosaurus had ticks? While timeless raindrop has visited most gardens ever made, your horticultural gurus enjoy the life span of mayflies in my terms. Like your drones, I watch from above, therefore finding better viewpoints. In order to keep busy, I nurture lichens in the artic, support the Amazon rain forest and water 43, Rose Lane’s front lawn. An impressive CV you must agree.

We will now, let’s begin our course, “Choose To be Well Gardening Over Gardening Well.”

It contains seventeen modules., I will chunk my lectures down to help humans keep up, using thinking wider than most humans manage, but not so broad only rain drops understand. Your course starts now.

Module 1, What are Gardens now and what have they been before?

First, let’s consider the definition of garden. Many believe defining a garden is simple, taking the concept for granted. ʻ What is a garden? ʼ No one asks this question whose answer appears obvious, like nobody says, ʻ What is a tree? ʼ Yet, the more we examine the idea, the more elusive a firm definition becomes. However, discussing topics we cannot define is hopeless, so let’s try.

There is a task for you. Students, in five minutes, write what you think the word garden means. No cheating with dictionaries, phones off . . .

. . . Now read your partner’s work. In pairs, rewrite the two versions as one brief paragraph, including both views. . .

. . . Thank you everyone. Let’s look at them. No, don’t hand them in, I can read them from here. Ten say, “an outdoor space with plants, although” four think, “somewhere to relax outdoors.” Two suggest, “safe outdoor child play space.” Mm. Par for the course. At least, for the start of my courses, not their end.

Therefore, we need a detailed look. The word has roots in three human languages, German, French, and middle English, meaning enclosed space. How far protecting patches of ground for growing rather than defence dates back is vague. However, it happened fast. In just a few thousand years. Human records show the Hanging Gardens of Babylon are 2,500 human years old, while tales exist of Egyptian walled gardens 1,500 years before. Other remains suggest people cultivated land in Syria in 8,500 B.C. E. though you should check your human records. I finished napping in the Antarctic then, but my cousins tell me this is correct.

Although some enclosed spaces are not gardens, as bees require nectar, privacy is vital. Walls and fences also reduce animal damage and stop neighbours from taking crops. As a result, fenced in space belongs to the encloser, making the garden personal. With the world shut out, humans find respite from life’s giddy speed. No such luck however for raindrop. Hence, for the length of this course, I am trapped in a sealed phial to deliver everything without the water cycle claiming me.

Unlike animals, barriers don’t exclude me as I still enter from above. The last plot I fell on lies in a housing estate whose new owner counted ten windows in other houses overlooking it. He wanted to block their view, using trees and shrubs. The texture and colours of bark, leaves, flowers, and fruits improved the gardens look. Breeze rustled foliage and birdsong from the tree canopies pleased his ears. Perfume from their flowers gave added joy, but privacy remained his central aim. When foliage at last blocked the tenth window out, he rejoiced. So, I sense enclosure and intimacy are key features for upright apes and bring other benefits. Defences are unnecessary for our definition of garden, but seclusion and ownership are pertinent. I note the word “private” was missing from your definitions.

Gardens started when more advanced simians dug ditches or built earth mounds round wild trees and shrubs which offered food. For example, apples, figs, or citrus. This prevented animals from eating them before humans. The next step was grouping such plants close together, so one fence length protected more crop. By the iron age, the Bocage area of France devised standard measures for such enclosures. One size for growing crops, bigger areas for woodland to provide fuel and even larger for grazing. People wanted sufficient land to provide for their needs without owning too much. These earth and stone walls stopped soil erosion, which I cause by accident when arriving overexcited. Please accept my apologies.

When people grew plants in spaces they controlled, they chose food crops. This reduced their food search wide areas, and they met their needs in one place. Planting pear trees in straight lines imparted neatness and a sense of order for practical reasons, not aesthetic. Removing unwanted plants from these spaces was the next step. It was easy to pick and protect bushes with regular spacing, but nature recognised the first inch of climate change’s incoming tide. This marked the switch from walking through the living world to ruling her. Raindrop saw how long humans spent finding food and how many wars they fought to keep or take it. Sharing and trading would show more kindness and Prudens is relieved we aquatic blobs need no sustenance.

The next step was clearing unwanted plants to make room for crops. From taming landscapes came lack of respect and we know the damage now, global warming the unintended consequence of felling trees. At least Neanderthals did not set fire to entire forests. 23,000 years ago, two eye blinks for me, early modern man first cultivated ground, whereas ants had farmed edible fungi for millions of years. I landed on one. It ran under a sabre-toothed tiger’s legs for shelter while fetching leaves to feed its fungus in the nest.

Now we see enclosure and control of nature distinguish gardens from places where things grow. Raindrops are part of nature and I refuse to call something a garden whose creation harms the environment. While accepting benign management of nature, I resent harming her. That was absent from your definitions.

Defending wild trees and shrubs, then planting and protecting chosen plants for food, were precursors to growing flowers for looks not use. Human towns grew fast, and social structures allowed a few to find leisure hours. After the third time I landed in the Agora in Athens, I noticed these changes. Tribal chiefs, clan leaders, nobles etc. soon found free time beyond spending every minute hunting or gathering. They explored fresh approaches to outside space. This takes us to spirituality, which holds hands with gardening, whichever faith you consider.

The Bible offers,

“Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed…” (Genesis 2.8). (My cousin claims he splashed Adam’s head and Eve giggled.)

The Koran promises,

“Those who guard against evil will have Gardens with their Lord.” (Surah Al‘Imran, 15) I adore the value Islam places on water in gardens. The Alhambra Palace is one of my favourite spaces.

Hindu texts dating back further state,

“Gods come near the places which have water and gardens in them.” I have descended the Ganges four times, staggered by the number of humans bathing there for worship.

The Egyptians used trees as symbols for their gods and their temples had gardens for religious purposes. I even speak hieroglyphic.

Buddhism centres on synergy with nature; the soul of gardening.

In Greece, Plato, and Aristotle built schools with green plots outside to heal the spirit and aid thought. Very tidy they were too, though perhaps too neat. Covid lockdown did not invent the outdoor classroom! In Japan, spaces behind houses informed spiritualism for millennia and the Maya and Inca valued gardens. Chinese beliefs centred on gardens for 7000 years. By returning crop remains to the soil, they found the cycle of life. How cheeky since rain drops invented perpetual renewal! In Britain, druids, and monks considered some plants holy, while Voltaire said the answer to all problems was “Il faut cultiver son jardin.”

I do not say gardeners need religious belief, merely that gardens inspire notions of peace, which most faiths seek to induce. These feelings set gardens apart from spaces where plants grow. Which of you included a reference to the soul in their first task?

Were Adam and Eve the first gardeners or the earliest scrumpers?

Guardian angels exist in different cultures and bring spiritual help in lots of ways. They offer soothing sources of solace, and for many in lockdown, their garden was their guardian angel; starting a common claim it saved their mental health during COVID. But treating gardens as a temporary haven misses the point, so let’s hope they learn gardens are for life, not lockdown.

About soul, gardens can possess them as well as humans. Some people, when visiting gardens, look at planting combinations, use of structure, form, and texture, but also seek the garden’s spirit. Although, this is easier to sense when the owner used their passion and sweat to build it. In gardens where the creator has passed, the garden’s essence will often be tangible. Check Hidcote Manor, Foggy Bottom, Great Dixter et al. if you disagree. I had to take advice from cousins, as I only know Hidcote from experience. Despite their makers having wealth, they drew their inspiration from passion for plants, not power.

Do gardens have to stay still? If so, this excludes nomadic and itinerant peoples from horticulture. My lifestyle helps me empathise with these humans. Some houseboats display pots and tubs with fruit, flowers, and herbs, mobile gardening. Tribes on the move scatter seeds of plants they wish to crop when passing that way in the future. That is gardening. Therefore, our definition does not require fixed spaces. I warned we need a range of thinking to define the word garden.

Humans say gardens contain plants which are managed. That control ranges from regimented to laissez-faire, while Zen gardens may contain zero plants. Is that control carried to its logical conclusion? It is unclear if the presence of plants suffices to earn spaces the title “Garden.”

If humankind disappeared tomorrow, plants would grow in meadows, woods, or under water, as they did before apes learned to stand upright. We would not call these places gardens. The presence of plants alone defines space as landscape, scenery, or countryside, but nearly all humans expect to find plants in gardens.

While most gardens contain plants, we may agree they alone do not make a garden. But can a space call itself a garden without plants?