Dancing In The Rain

FARM LIFE - 1963

The mild autumn weather was perfect for planting wheat. As the wind waved Valeria’s fringe into her eyes, she wiped her brow with the back of her hand and then shovelled a hole two inches deep and spread the fertiliser. She scrunched up her nose at the strong odour, then scattered the seeds into the prepared area. The final touch was covering the wheat seeds with soil so they wouldn’t dry out.

Valeria smiled to herself. She was excited she was to be growing wheat for pasta and bread to sell. It was her family’s livelihood to work on the farm in her hometown of Laurino, in the southern part of Italy. She liked the farm and the nearby village, but wished she could see more of what lay beyond it. She didn’t travel much outside the region of Campania, and what she knew about the villagers in her town, she’d learned from those who liked to gossip. Elderly women sitting outside their small homes watching people walk by. If something unusual happened, these women reported the incident to anyone and everyone. It hardly mattered whether the story was true or not. Events became twisted. Assumptions were made. If a woman spoke to a man, the gossipers would assume he must be her boyfriend. Who needed reporters when you had the villagers spreading their mishmash of truth and lies? It was one of the things Valeria didn’t like about the village.

The braying sound of the donkey behind her jolted her as she took off her working gloves and turned. Her mother was tugging the donkey towards her, the green in her mother’s eyes brightening further with the daylight sun.

Valeria’s eyes were the same green, and she had the same slim frame. Her family had started telling her she was getting tall, though she knew she was only of average height, but she could almost look straight into her mother’s eyes. The thought made her smile again. She was almost a woman.

She stood up and brushed off her skirt, then smoothed the auburn hair that fell to her shoulders in waves. Between the dirt and the sweat, she must look a mess.

Her mother looked at Valeria’s neat rows and smiled. “Good work, Valeria. We’ll have a great wheat harvest. Now we can bring the olives and get them pressed.”

Sacks of olives lay on the donkey on either side. Valeria grabbed on to the donkey and pulled him along, while her mother took deep breaths and wiped the sweat from her eyes.

“Mama, I can’t wait to make our own pasta, bread, and rice to grow. We can have a feast.”

Her mother gave her a sad smile. “Maybe at least once a year we can have your feast, but with today’s economy we are lucky to even survive. We must be grateful for the rewards of our hard work.” Her short, petite frame looked overpowered by the donkey but her mother pushed on, tugging at the cross around her mother’s neck.

Valeria was prepared for the long walk to their house, and didn’t mind taking in the mountainous views, the blue skies, and the deep valleys ahead.

Her arms ached halfway through the trip but she carried on because she couldn’t disappoint her mother. She swallowed as she wondered whether all of this hard work on their farm was worth it.

Her parents worked hard for measly profits as she knew the rich got richer and the poor got poorer, but she was excited when they reaped the rewards. They had all their needs met on the farm with the cattle they maintained for their milk, the grapes they made into wine, the pigs they killed for the sausages and prosciutto, as well as the cannellini beans, corn, figs, cherries, apples, and pears they produced. Yes, they were blessed to have food that kept them healthy.

Valeria passed by a young girl who wore nice clothes, jumping rope in front of a bigger house. Her heart sank. What she’d give to be able to have fun and do something different. She was fifteen now, becoming a woman, but sometimes she wanted more out of life. Wasn’t it her right? She knew she should feel honoured to help her family, and she loved them deeply. She just wished she had time to do other things.

Walking down the hilly slope with her left hand pressed into the donkey’s strap, she viewed her house in the near-distance. The soles of her feet ached, and she looked down to notice the holes on the sides of her shoes. She needed a new pair especially for these walks, but her mother said they couldn’t afford it at the moment. She’d need to wait until they sold the olives.

They finally approached the village centre of Laurino, strolling past the butcher, a medical clinic, clothing store, pasticceria, and a statue of soldiers from World War 1, then the soccer field and church. She loved looking at the shrines built into the walls, a memorial for the deceased, as they continued down the narrow walkways and arrived at their house.

Her mother tied the donkey to the post then unlocked the heavy timber door. She entered with Valeria following. Loud voices resounded in her ear as her sister, Carla, grabbed her by the hand and asked, “Where are the olives?”

Valeria shook her head. Carla who was the oldest at sixteen, always cut to the point. Rather than saying hello, she was all business. Her tall stature made Valeria feel small at times. Carla stepped back with an expectant smile and toyed with her brown waves.

“They’re outside. Papa and Emilio can get them. Where’s Elena?”

Carla pushed past her through the door, then came back in. After a moment, she said, “In her room reading, I believe.”

Valeria watched her father talking to her mother in the small kitchen that featured a rectangular table, small bench space, and a wood fire oven. Pots and pans hung above the bench but they were rusty and old. The weathered crockery looked ready for the trash heap, but their small portions of food always tasted delicious. She salivated just thinking about their simple, yet tasty foods made with organic, home-grown vegetables.

Her father frowned and raised his voice. “Why in hell couldn’t you bring the olives inside? Do I have to do everything around here?” He pushed his stocky build away from the table, his black eyes even blacker as he nodded to Valeria, then rushed outside for the olives. His brown hair had a tinge of grey that hadn’t seemed so obvious months ago.

Her father came back inside, then called out to Emilio, who came out of his bedroom. He was short but largely built and strong for his nine years.

“Coming, Papa.” He laid a hand on Valeria’s shoulder and smiled, showing his dimples.

Valeria smiled back, then walked into the bedroom she shared with Carla and Elena. Emilio had his own tiny room. Both rooms were cramped, so Valeria had to share a bunk bed with Elena, which wasn’t the best. Carla, being the oldest, had her own bed.

Elena sat on Carla’s bed, reading one of her school books. Valeria sometimes wished she could’ve stayed in school but her parents needed help on the farm. Most likely, Elena and Emilio would have to leave school sometime soon too.

“Hey, Valeria. What’s happening?” Elena asked.

She shrugged then sat beside her sister on Carla’s bed.” Just planted the wheat and brought down the olives. You know, the usual stuff that you don’t do.”

Elena laughed. “Ha ha, you’re funny.” She touched Valeria’s shoulder. “Well, I go to school and work just as hard as you do.”

Valeria smiled, thinking that for an eleven-year-old, Elena always had an answer for everything. “Sure you do.” Valeria turned at the sound of footsteps then waited for the explosion she knew would come.

Carla held her hands across her waist with pursed lips. Her face was bright red. “How many times do I have to tell you both not to sit on my bed? You have your own, so move it.”

Elena sighed. “Here she goes again.”

Carla leaned in towards Elena, staring her down. Then she grabbed her by the arm and shoved her towards the bunk bed.

“Come on, Carla,” Valeria said. “You know we don’t have much room there. Can’t you be a bit flexible for once?”

Carla pressed her hands against the top blanket of her bed, then turned to Valeria. “Both of you need to take more responsibility. Even Papa says that.”

“Papa­­­­­­­—.” Valeria said, then closed her mouth.

“Papa what?”

Valeria looked at Carla. She wanted to say that Papa was more controlling than Carla but she couldn’t form the words. She wondered if she’d ever find her voice.

“You guys need to stay off my bed.”

Elena climbed on to the top bunk and read. Valeria looked away and lay on the bottom bunk bed. Then Carla spun on her heel and left, still in a huff.

THE SLAP

Valeria’s mother called her and Elena in for dinner. She rose from the bed and nudged her sister who was deeply engrossed in her book. Eventually, Elena rose and climbed down the ladder of the bed, stamping her feet on the ground.

Her parents were standing in the centre of the kitchen by the sink, inches from each other, speaking intensely. As they walked into the open space of the living area and the kitchen, Valeria heard her parents’ voices rise. A muscle in her father’s jaw twitched. An anxious feeling settled in her stomach. Her mother gave her a nervous smile.

Her father said, “Are you laughing at me?”

Her mother shook her head, but looked away.

Valeria drew back, a knot forming in her throat. Then his hand shot forward, grabbing a fistful of Mama’s hair. Teeth clenched, face tight, he squinted down at her as if daring her to move.

Mama stood quietly, her head bowed, blinking back tears. She closed her eyes, then opened them and said softly, “Please, not in front of the children, Enzo.”

Her father’s other hand suddenly flung hard across her mother’s cheek. The sound of the slap made Valeria gasp. Hairs on her arms prickled and her heart raced.

Elena yelled, “Papa, no! Leave Mama alone. What are you doing?” She threw herself between them. Papa gave Elena a hard look then moved to the table.

While Valeria hugged herself, rooted to the floor, Elena wrapped her arms around their mother, ushered her towards the living area, and sat her on the bench. Valeria stared at her father. He dropped into his chair with such force the rice spilled out of the bowl. Ignoring the rest of the family, he grabbed a spoon then took a sip of his rice soup.

Eventually, Emilio, Carla, Elena, and their mother came to the table and sat down. Her father’s slurping sounds made Valeria ill, so she turned away and watched the stony expressions of her siblings and mother.

Valeria swallowed and joined the family at the table. She wasn’t hungry, but the soup warmed her body, which felt cold and numb. The silence was unnerving, so she broke it by telling the others about her wheat planting. “I can’t wait for all the nice things we’ll get from the wheat,” she said to no-one in particular.

As if she hadn’t heard, Elena turned to her father. “I can’t believe you did that to Mama.”

Papa shrugged. “Well, if a certain someone had done what I had asked her to, she would’ve preserved her dignity.”

“But Papa, what did Mama do?” Elena asked. Surely, she didn’t deserve to be slapped.”

Carla added, “Papa, we can help you and Mama more if you like. Mama works hard, very hard.”

He slammed his fist on the table. “Stop it! Both of you. This is none of your business.”

Elena stood up, her bowl almost toppling over the table. She held out her hands to make her point. “Well, if it’s your business then why do you slap Mama in front of us? That doesn’t make sense.” She swallowed. “This is our family, and what happens to Mama is our business.”

Valeria waited for the explosion and as she expected, it happened.

Her father abruptly rose, leaned in towards Elena and yanked her long chestnut hair. “Do you wish to be punished too, Elena? Is that what you want?”

Elena’s lips quivered. “I’m sorry, Papa. Please let go!”

He let go of her hair, then turned towards his plate and finished his soup. He grabbed a chunk of ciabatta and spread homemade butter on it as thick as cheese. The rest of dinner time was spent in silence. Her mother kept her eyes on her plate while Valeria picked at her food, frowning.

Her mother had never stood by any of them. She always let him get away with his bouts of anger and mood changes.

Shouldn’t the family be protected from a man who was always angry? Someone who constantly had something to complain about? Why couldn’t her mother ever stand up for herself? Why couldn’t her mother be stronger?

Valeria suppressed a pang of guilt. Yes, her mother was nurturing and a great listener, but Valeria needed more from her. She wanted her mother to protect her from a man who never listened and who liked to bully his family. He couldn’t get away with this. She had heard about this kind of thing happening often in other places, and how people wanted it to be against the law. She knew that, in Italy, the police didn’t get involved in private matters, but she felt that her father should be punished for treating them this way. Maybe one day, those laws about violence in the home would pass here, but would her father be alive to see that? Would she?

Valeria drew out of her thoughts and helped to clear the dishes. Her mother’s cheek was bruised, and when Valeria touched her shoulder, her mother brushed it off. Mama turned to the sink in silence, gripping the plates and scrubbing the dishes hard. She slammed the plates onto the dish rack, and her hands shook as she handled the cutlery. It made Valeria’s chest hurt.

Her father called out to her. “Valeria, go to the pasticceria. Here’s a list, and come straight back.”

She grabbed the list with shaky hands. “Yes, Papa.” She gave her mother a hug from behind, then dried her hands and grabbed some liras from her father. Rushing out the door, she was glad to be out of the thickness in the air.

She took a deep breath and stepped onto the cobbled ground, clutching the money as she passed the other stores. Women hung clothes on their balconies, their underwear flapping in the breeze for all to see, and men sat in front of their arched doorways smoking their pipes. Wasn’t there a better place to poison the air instead of affecting all the passers-by? She held her breath, then exhaled to avoid breathing in the toxic fumes.

She strolled past the butcher and a clothing store, then came across her best friend, Alessandra, from school. They had seen each other as often as they could, now that they had been out of school for a while, but Valeria missed seeing her friend every day.

Smoking a cigarette outside another clothing store, Alessandra looked up with a smile and leaned in for an embrace. “Oh, my dear Valeria. Long time no see. Where have you been, my dear?”

Valeria shrugged. “Busy with the farm, you know. Just like you’re busy with your aunt’s sewing business.” She suppressed a flash of envy. She loved to sew and would give anything to trade places with Alessandra.

Alessandra threw her head back, laughing. “That’s a joke. I keep pricking my finger trying to sew her damn pieces, yet she still gets me to do it. I might as well go back to school, or one of these days, I’ll probably stab myself to death with one of the damn needles. Who needs it?”

Valeria stopped herself before she could say she needed it, and shook her head instead. “Well, you never did like school either, so what do you like?”

“Not much. Maybe one day I’ll figure that out.” Alessandra looked into the distance, seemingly distracted for a moment. “Oh yeah, boys. I really like boys.”

Valeria turned to look behind her and saw a boy standing in front of a house as if he was guarding it. “Who’s that?” she asked.

“That’s Ciro. I’ve been seeing him for a while.” Turning her eyes away from him, Alessandra said, “Listen, why don’t we get together on the weekend. Hang out in the centre, what do you say?”

“Depends on my father. He’s in a mood.”

Alessandra chuckled. “Isn’t he always? Just sweet-talk him.” She blew the boy a kiss, then licked her lips as if teasing him. Valeria felt sick, watching her flirt with him. She was too young to be acting that way. If Valeria behaved that way, her father would literally kill her.

There were also things she liked about Alessandra; her fiery spirit, her courage, and her strength to tell people exactly what she thought. She even loved her bright red hair, similar to her own, her deep, hazel eyes, and her tanned skin.

“Okay, well wait for me at the usual place then.”

Alessandra nodded. “Anyway, I’d better go see him. He doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

Valeria grabbed her hand. “Wait! What are you doing with him?”

Alessandra gave her a cheeky grin. “Things you could only dream about, but don’t worry. He’s pretty good to me. See you later.”

Valeria felt an emptiness in her chest. She stared at her friend, wanting to trade places with her for even one day. The freedom, the carefree attitude, and the courage to go after what you wanted. She wanted that, and so much more.

She hugged her friend goodbye, then watched as she ran over to the boy in front of his home and planted a deep kiss on his lips. The boy squeezed her breast. They set off through the narrow path. Where were they going, and how could she behave like that in front of all those women who loved to gossip? Maybe it was because Alessandra’s father didn’t care much what she did. If Valeria acted that way, she’d be as good as dead.

MISUNDERSTANDING

Valeria bought the items on the list from the pasticceria but didn’t head back home straight away. Her body felt tired as she played over the slap in her mind. She didn’t want to be scared of her father. It was silly not to have the will to return home. On the other hand, why should she want to go back, when all she’d get was a mother whose head hung low, quiet siblings, and her father ranting and raving about all the things they did wrong? It was never his fault, always someone else’s, but if she was to defy him, things would only get worse. He was not a man you disobeyed or answered back. Poor Elena always tried, but eventually he’d hit back at her and she’d crawl into her shell. Then she’d forget about the incident and do it all over again. Valeria admired her little sister’s tenacity and courage, knowing full well what he was capable of. In spite of suffering after responding to his bullying, Elena always managed to continue her fight. Emilio did his best too. If only he was older, he might’ve had some measure of control over their father.

Valeria paced to the city centre, briefly nodding to women who sat outside their homes to watch passers-by. No doubt they’d talk to her father about watching her walk towards the city centre when she should’ve gone straight home.

Valeria headed to the amphitheatre where she had an open view of the mountains and valleys, a shade of greenery and slivers of brown across the landscape. She drew closer to the partial artwork the amphitheatre presented then stared at the statue of soldiers from World War I. The area was crowded, with some people taking photographs while others chased children inside the spiked fence that enclosed the statue. She spotted a tour group walking around the town square while the guide explained the history of the artwork and the statue of soldiers. Muffled voices behind her made her turn, and her heart skipped a beat when she spotted Alessandra chasing her boyfriend in the opposite direction. Why couldn’t she behave more appropriately? Didn’t she know that people around this village had nothing better to do than talk?

Continuing to watch them run off, she finally saw the boyfriend catch her friend. He lifted her dress, but Alessandra pushed his hand away. They disappeared around the corner of the building, but Valeria was sure she would hear about it from one of her mother’s friends.

Making her way back through the near-darkness, Valeria sighed and wondered what she’d find. Would Elena be bringing the household to life as she usually did or would her father yell at her for not coming straight home?

Her feet stepped through the narrow paths. When she arrived home, she took a deep breath and braced herself. Opening the heavy door, she only heard quiet and realised it must’ve been later than she thought.

Her father sat on the bench, and turned abruptly. His teeth were clenched and his face appeared more wrinkled than normal. Even his body seemed to shake uncontrollably. He moved towards her. “You’re home awfully late.” Was he still mad at her mother? Why did he look so angry? He rubbed his hands together and took deep breaths, glaring and taking a step closer. The veins in his temple looked as if they were about to burst. “Why are you home so late, Valeria?”

She shrugged. “I—I just went for a walk.”

“Do not lie to me.” He drew closer to her, his eyes darkening.

He stepped in close, then raised his right arm and slapped her hard across the cheek. She lost her breath, and touched the sting on her cheek.

She moved back. “What did I do, Papa?”

Without warning, he flung himself towards her and shoved her onto the bench. In one quick action, he lifted his jumper and took off his belt. He swung it towards her, but she jumped back, and the strap whooshed past her shoulder. Her hair lifted on her nape and arms, her hands clammy. She had to get away. He was a madman.

In a heated frenzy, he chased her around the room. The buckle of the belt struck her arms, her breasts, and her legs. It felt like knives cutting her skin. Finally, cornered against the bench, she crouched into a tiny ball with her arms protecting her face, and her eyes closed to shut out the pain. When she opened them again, the room seemed to spin around her. Her father was a blur, a monstrous shadow, and her arms and legs were slick with blood. Her body shook, and her arms felt heavy. She couldn’t stop him even if she tried.

His voice broke with rage. “You dare betray me! And with a boy!”

Valeria looked up at her father, at the dark coldness in his squinting eyes. She trembled, her heart pounding. “What boy? I wasn’t with any boy, Papa. You’re mistaken.”

“And you still have the nerve to deny this?” He gripped the belt and swung it towards her chest, her hands, and towards her face. She covered her face with her hands, deflecting the blow. Her body froze. She was drained, and her body had had enough. She sank lower into the bench, defeated.

Abruptly, he stopped. She looked up, as Carla pushed her father away and snatched the belt from his hand.

Where was her mother?

“Papa, stop this!” Carla cried. “What is going on here?”

Her father pushed Carla aside. “Do you want some of this too?”

Valeria lay on the bench, sobbing with pain. She’d bled all over Mama’s cushions, but she couldn’t seem to make herself move. Instead, she clenched her teeth and closed her eyes, trying to think of another time, another place. Anywhere but here.

Carla shook her finger at him. “You’re my father, but you’re not my boss, so stop this! Tell me what happened.”

Her father’s voice sounded far away. “Giovanna came here and told me that your sister was with a boy. No doubt they were kissing. It’s a disgrace, such a disgrace to this family. A dishonour to me and all I stand for.”

Valeria swallowed but stayed down on the bench and peeked through her fingers when she heard her sister speak.

“That’s ridiculous. Valeria would never do such a thing.”

Her father glared. “Giovanna knew what she saw, and she believed it was Valeria.”

Carla held her hands across her waist, sighing. She glanced at Valeria, giving her a reassuring smile. “Papa, Giovanna likes to gossip but this time she got it wrong.”

Valeria felt Carla’s warm hands around her, but her whole body ached from the touch. She shook her head. “No, leave me alone.”

“Darling, let’s get you to the laundry and wash your wounds. It’s okay.”

The front door swung open, and as Valeria slowly sat up, she turned to see her mother’s stricken face. She rushed to Valeria and hugged her gently. “What happened here?”

Her father stared into the distance. “Your daughter is a disgrace to this family. Giovanna saw her running around, kissing a boy behind our backs. She is no longer any daughter of mine.”

Her mother held up her hands in protest. “No, Enzo. I talked to Giovanna. I’m sure she had it all wrong.”

Valeria stood up, ignoring the pain. “No, it was Alessandra. She has a new boyfriend. I just took a walk into the town square after going to the pasticceria. Giovanna was mistaken.”

Her mother, Graziella, stared at the ground, shaking her head. “Just a case of mistaken identity, Enzo.”

Her father grunted. “Still, she should’ve come back home just as I asked.”

Carla stared coldly. “But Papa, she didn’t deserve to be beaten with your belt.”

He rose from the table. “I’m going to bed. Good night!”

No-one responded as he stomped out of the room. Valeria’s lips trembled and her insides felt like they’d explode. How could he just walk away without an apology? He had no courage to say he was mistaken, always putting the blame on others. This was all wrong. He shouldn’t always get away with it.

Her mother and Carla washed some face towels and pressed them onto her hands, chest, and face. Valeria felt tears sting her eyes as the warm water intensified the pain.

“I am so sorry, darling,” her mother said. “He shouldn’t have done this to you.”

“He didn’t even apologise, Mama. He was wrong and couldn’t even admit his mistake.” Valeria watched her mother’s face pale and her eyes lower.

“He has had a hard life, Valeria. A very hard life.”

Carla’s eyes flashed. “That is no excuse to be violent towards Valeria.”

“No, it isn’t, but let me tell you a story,” her mother said as she dabbed the towel to Valeria’s face.

MEMORY LANE

Graziella cast her mind back to the time she’d first met Enzo. She looked away as she told her story, her heart broken. “I first met your father at a family dinner.” She closed her eyes briefly. “He was charming and a true gentleman. I still remember that little dimple when he smiled. Just like Emilio.”

Enzo had asked her father for her hand in marriage after he’d known her for only two weeks. He had showered her with gifts and flowers, and treated her like royalty. “My princess,” he had called her, and his eyes had shone when he looked at her.

They’d always met with her family around, so they didn’t spend much time alone until the day they were married a few months after their first meeting. Still, she fell deeply in love and was ready to be his wife.

As she told the story, she wondered what had happened to that man. Had she really known him? Or had his experiences changed him to the point of no return? His mother had died when he was two, and his father was a mean, arrogant, and cold man who never said a kind word to anyone. She and Enzo had stayed with him on the night of their marriage. After they had made love, they fell asleep, but in the middle of the night, her father-in-law burst in. He said, “Get up and tend to the fence. It needs fixing and the sooner you get it done, the quicker we can keep the animals safe. Now get up! Don’t let me tell you twice.”

Enzo quickly got up and forgot about his wife. He didn’t apologise for his father but left her alone in bed without a word. For many nights, he was interrupted by his father wanting something fixed or tended to. On one occasion, when Enzo had said he was tired, his father had pounded him in the face, then grabbed him by the ears and hauled him outside. Finally, his father had remarried and moved to Canada, and Graziella was grateful that they’d never see him again. Yet her trouble was not over, for Enzo had started turning into his own father. The man she once knew no longer existed, and in his place was a different man, someone cold and hard. Or perhaps that man had always existed but it had been dormant all this time. She wondered if she’d done something to awaken the anger inside him. Maybe she could’ve got him help to deal with the trauma of his upbringing. There must have been more she could do for the man she’d fallen in love with. She sometimes still saw a glimpse of his gentle side and knew it was within reach somewhere inside him.

Looking at her daughter’s cuts and bruises, Graziella felt sick to her stomach. This shouldn’t have happened. She would readily have taken a belting for her dearest Valeria, but she was afraid for her headstrong daughter. How could she help Valeria understand her father? Knowing that he had a sweet, warm side to him. How could she help Valeria find that side?

“I make no excuses for your father, but he never had any good role models. His uncles were hard and mean, and his father always put him down. He had little confidence and felt unloved by anyone from an early age. I know it’s not right what he’s doing now, but I think he needs to know that we love him.”

Valeria wiped the tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t love that monster. I never did, Mama.”

Graziella took her daughter’s bruised hand and stroked it gently. “Darling, you must learn to forgive. We must all learn and understand where he is coming from. As a family, we must respect him as the head of the family.”

Valeria’s eyes widened. She turned away with a shake of the head, avoiding Graziella’s eyes.

“Why did you let him slap you, Mama? He can’t get away with that.”