Dating Your Way To The One

<strong>Mr Smooth</strong>

<strong>Should you stay with someone even if you know that you’re not going to go the distance?</strong>

Nearly every girl I know has at some point in her life dreamt about the moment when her knight in shining armour will come riding in on their big white stallion to come and lead her away into the sunset, delivering the fairy tale ending she’s always wished for. I mean of course we dream about it, we’re pretty much brought up on the idea that one day this will happen – all of those romantic films we watched and fairy tales we read as a child, where the handsome lead rescues the damsel in distress. He’s almost always a rich handsome prince too, with all the money he could ever need to treat you to a life full of luxury, giving you anything and everything you desire, you left wanting for nothing.

Well, Mr Smooth had a lot of these fairy-tale qualities and boy had I waited for him to come and rescue me. He was tall, dark and handsome, CHECK! He may not have ridden in on a white horse, but he did arrive in style on the next best thing, his sleek black and royal blue motorbike and for the colder days he also owned a gleaming two-seater sports car whose engine started at just the click of a button. His timing was impeccable, as he was also to become the first proper relationship I would have, following the turmoil after my first love. I was finally ready to fully embrace my next chapter. However, before you get too carried away, remember that unfortunately <strong>things aren’t always what they seem</strong>.

18 and still rather impressionable, albeit ready & eager to leave my former love life in the past; I wasn’t actively seeking a relationship, but I was finally ready to start moving forward, with a refreshed confidence and certainty of what it was that I wanted from life. I met Mr Smooth one summer’s evening, not long before I was due to go to university. My friend and I had just got back from a girls’ holiday in Greece, so we were looking fabulous with our sun kissed skin and recently boosted self-confidence from our wild, care-free time away. My friend spotted a guy she knew across the bar and Mr Smooth was there waiting in the wings. I was aware of him, but I wasn’t actively seeking to meet anyone, so he didn’t get my full attention that night. It wasn’t until the night had ended that my friend started to ask me what I had thought about him. I remained quite indifferent at first, but became rather intrigued, as I learnt that I had apparently left quite an impression on him. I eventually opened up to the idea of going for a drink with him, I mean what was there to lose, so, I gave my friend the OK to pass on my number.

About a week later he came to pick me up for our first date and boy could I get used to this...enter handsome prince on his white stallion. Yes, he was a little over confident, dare I even say a little arrogant, but he was very easy on the eye and was turning out to be quite the gentleman, insisting that he open all doors and pull out my chair for me. And that’s what appealed to me right now – a gentleman. I was in no rush to fall in love again, I simply wanted someone who would treat me well and who I could have some fun with and he seemed to fit the bill quite nicely. He insisted he pay for the first date, as well as each and every one that followed, but as I like to maintain my independence, from there on out I insisted that it had to be halves. He would always protest, and would get really annoyed whenever I paid on the sly, as he loved playing the gentlemanly role and hated seeing me put my hand in my pocket, but I knew where I felt comfortable with drawing the line. I’d never truly dated anyone before either. When I had met my first love we went straight into an intense and serious relationship, playing house and rarely, if ever, did we have date nights, so I was actually really enjoying being made to feel like I was truly worthy of someone else’s affections, like I was appreciated, desired and actually wanted by the other person.

But, at the same time, I wasn’t oblivious to our obvious differences either. In comparison to Mr Smooth, I was such a shy and nervous thing, not materialistic in any way, and although I was starting to enjoy some of the finer things that he’d been introducing me to, I really didn’t mind where we spent our time. I was happy enough to just be with him. But Mr Smooth on the other hand did love a gesture and despite my insistence that they really weren’t necessary, he continued to treat me like his princess. He was a few years older than I was and had his own place about 30 minutes drive away. Even though I didn’t drive it wasn’t a problem, as he would always do the hour round trip to come and pick me up just to be able to spend some time with me. This was just another way he was able to make me feel special and truly wanted.

Everything on the surface seemed like it was falling into place, all except for the fact that <strong>I always seemed to feel like this bumbling mess in front of him</strong>, as if I was somehow always making a fool of myself. He was just so calm, collected and confident in such stark comparison. The classic example being when I had gone out one night with a friend, and had ended up calling him gone midnight, after having had a little too much to drink, to see whether he could pick me up, despite knowing he had work early the next day. To my later relief, he was actually really happy to hear from me and when we got back to his place he continued to look after me, fetching me some water and putting me to bed for the night, despite needing to be up in a matter of hours for work.

All in all, we had a good relationship; we respected one another, we enjoyed each other’s company, we were always laughing and smiling, even if it was at my own expense a lot of the time and we always maintained our own social lives, which was important to me following previous relationships. But as we’ve seen before <strong>life loves to throw you curve balls</strong>. Up until now I had been on my summer break after finishing sixth form and with the end of the summer drawing near it wouldn’t be long before I was due to go to university. Neither of us had given it too much thought beforehand, but I could see that Mr Smooth was debating it more and more, as he simultaneously felt things progress between us, maybe more than he’d ever anticipated them to. In the end, he did make the decision to <strong>jump ship, before we hit the storm</strong> and I couldn’t really blame him. We were both enjoying this laid back, low maintenance relationship, so <strong>why complicate it</strong> by allowing feelings to develop just as I was potentially going to be leaving? I was of course disappointed, a little hurt even, but I understood. I could tell it wasn’t entirely what he wanted either, as he had brought it up when he was dropping me back home, and as he was saying it, he was simultaneously holding my hand asking me to stay with him in his car. It was a decision that had to be made by us at some point, so I took it on the chin. I think I was more affected by the reality of going from having Mr Smooth treat me so well, and having him by my side, supporting me, to then going back to just me against the world again. It wasn’t just about having someone there though; I had enjoyed the time we spent together a lot. But I equally knew deep down that we weren’t ever going to fall in love and go the distance, not really. We may have stayed together for a reasonably long time, as we did make each other happy, but we didn’t have that ultimate spark, that undeniable bond that you need to see you through both the good and the bad. So, I never resented him for letting us go, as he enabled us to let go before things did get complicated.

That was until a few weeks later at least, when I received my A level results. Much to my delight I had achieved the grades I needed to go to my first-choice university, however, it was this very same day that Mr Smooth decided to tell me that he missed me and he wanted to get back together, regardless of whether I would be leaving or not. This day had been weighing heavy on his mind too it seemed. We hadn’t been in regular contact but had had a couple of conversations since breaking up, agreeing it wouldn’t have been realistic to have stayed together with me potentially over a 2-hour drive away, and concluded, or so I had thought, that he was right to have ended it. We talked for a long while about how we could make it work, now that we knew I was definitely going, and he joked about how he would visit each weekend with a batch of home cooked meals to keep me going, my cooking skills leaving a lot to be desired, and we couldn’t help but fall back into ‘us’. That was until, less than two weeks later he got cold feet again. Now, this time I was angry. I still understood and empathised with his reasoning, as a long-distance relationship does take more effort to maintain, but I didn’t appreciate his lack of commitment to his decisions, or the back-and-forth nature of the situation, as it was taking me back to memories of past mind games I’d experienced. He had decided yet again that the best time to tell me was as he drove me home, but this time the conversation started as we pulled away from his house. I guess this way he knew I couldn’t get out of the car and would have to hear him out, which was a pretty clever move, as by the time we got back to mine we had talked it all through and were again parting on good terms. Although, I hasten to add, that I did let him know this really was it this time and that I was not going to have another phone call in 2 weeks to say he’s changed his mind again. So, we agreed to stay friends and I’m glad we did. In all honesty a part of me does respect him for doing what he did, as it was in such stark contrast to my ex who had even asked me not to go to university for him. Mr Smooth, however, not once made me feel like I shouldn’t go and encouraged me to follow my dreams, as he knew I would regret it otherwise. I did secretly hope he’d come to see me at university, but he never did. We kept in regular contact though and when I came back at Christmas, he asked me to meet up with him for a drink. Again, it transpired he’d had a change of heart, but unfortunately for him third time wasn’t a charm and this time it was <strong>too little too late</strong>, as I had already met someone else (fast forward to <strong>Mr Liar</strong>). So, maybe not quite the prince on a white horse with my fairy tale ending, but I’ll sure let him take the role of the prince nonetheless.

We continued to maintain a distant friendship for a number of years, but as time passed and we both moved on to other relationships it became longer between each call. At times I did wonder whether we should have given it another go, but sometimes you have to decide <strong>what’s more important; maintaining a friendship with someone you care for or to take a chance but risk losing it all</strong>. Normally I would like to think that I would take a chance on happiness, but on this occasion, I chose to let it go and I know I made the right decision. <strong>I always knew deep down that despite the happiness he brought to my life, during that short period of time, he wasn’t the one for me; it wasn’t love</strong>. I reconciled to leaving this relationship on a positive note with happy memories of our time spent together.

<strong>Food for thought:</strong>

Deep down I always knew Mr Smooth wasn’t the one for me. I knew it before I’d even ever really got to know him. I didn’t have that gut feeling about ‘us’ or him that I had had before. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that he still made me very happy during the time that we did spend together and I’m pretty sure I gave him happiness too. <strong>So, should you stay with someone even if you know you’re not going to go the distance?</strong> In my opinion, <strong>as long as you make each other happy for that moment in time, then enjoy one another</strong>. For me this was one of the most positive experiences of a relationship that I have ever had and I came out the other end happy and optimistic about what the future held. He treated me well and <strong>at that moment in time he was both what I needed and what I wanted</strong>. He restored my faith in both men and relationships. Even though it didn’t work out between us, the relationship equally didn’t leave me with any negative feelings, thoughts or regrets. The relationship even taught me a lot about myself too. I enjoyed his company and the route the relationship had taken, but whether it was due to the age difference, his unusually high confidence in stark comparison to my own, or because I simply wasn’t used to being the centre of someone else’s attention, I was aware that <strong>there was always something stopping me from being my true self around him</strong>, and from being able to completely let go. He was very materialistic and extravagant in his gestures, and as much as that had an initial appeal, I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted long-term. I knew I wanted to get married one day and start a family and that I placed a high importance on financial security, wanting to own my own home. Whereas he was a lot more live in the moment, he would place higher importance on having the finer things in life now and having a family was something I truly believed he could take or leave. Neither one of us was wrong in what we wanted. I could just see that <strong>we wanted different things and one day our priorities would ultimately clash, making me realise that our relationship did unfortunately have a shelf life</strong>. I had not only become more aware of what was or wasn’t important to me in a relationship, but also the importance of communication and the need to understand what the other person needs and wants too. Knowing that meant that I never truly let go around him, as a part of me was always trying to stay on common ground, as it was easier and more comfortable that way, albeit at times unnatural and equally unsustainable. As nice as it was to be spoilt all of the time too, I also knew that I didn’t need that and that it certainly wasn’t the key to a successful relationship.

Another huge positive to come out of the relationship was me seeing how differently I could be treated. <strong>To feel like I was the centre of someone else’s affections and that they took such an interest in being a part of my life. I felt wanted, special and most importantly secure</strong>. This was in such contrast to feeling side-lined by my ex and knowing that I was always supporting him, his lifestyle and his interests. This was definitely something I realised I needed and was also entitled to. <strong>Even though you are in a relationship with someone it doesn’t mean that you have to give up being you</strong>. Having your own interests and social life outside of a relationship is important for your own sense of independence and identity, as well as having something to bring back into the relationship, something to talk about.

Mr Smooth had unknowingly taught me <strong>not to put myself on pause for someone else</strong> either. I did question after we met up at Christmas whether I should have given it another go with him, but <strong>for a relationship to work it requires the actions of two people</strong>. If he had have wanted me back that badly then he would have driven to see me at university to tell me there and then rather than waiting three months until I was back right in front of him again – I was proud of picking myself up and just getting on with life after we broke up and not wallowing in the aftermath like I had done before. <strong>If someone really wants you, they wouldn’t take the risk of not being able to have you in their life</strong> – another reason I just knew we weren’t going to go the distance.