The last Intergalactic Booze Cruise

THE LAST INTERGALACTIC BOOZE CRUISE

Simon Bullock

PART ONE

About 100 years ago, in a distant galaxy, nowhere near ours.

Now Proton VII isn’t a very nice place to visit if you are considering it for a weekend getaway with your better half. Not that anyone on our planet could get there anyway, as we currently cannot produce or invent a simple Hyper-drive propulsion system that could take us there in the first place. Which, in retrospect, might be a blessing in disguise.

Proton VII is located in a nasty, godforsaken hellhole of a planetary system thousands of light-years away from Earth. My best advice is to avoid this planet or do so at your own peril.

Why I hear you ask?

Well, let me explain. For one, the atmosphere’s key ingredient is sulfuric acid, which would burn your lungs instantly after one breath. Unless you were a scourge cat bladder beast who thrived on the poxy stuff.

And also, my second reason for giving this planet a wide berth is that this sulfuric breathing feline has a nasty reputation for munching anything or anyone who dared to land on the planet. And then have the audacity to take a pleasant stroll to enjoy the planet’s points of interest, which were very few, and far between according to the tourist information office on Rangonia V. Unless you considered the lakes full of scourge cat bladder beast pee-pee as a bucket list must-see attraction.

Sometimes it’s better not to visit bucket list must-see attractions, especially if your must-see bucket list attraction is on planet Proton VII.

The other inhabitants of Proton VII were the Soft Beverage Limited Company employees of the planet Hordan III. Or B.E.L.C.H., as it was more fondly known amongst the factory workers. These employees hated planet Proton VII and its smelly sulfuric atmosphere with a passion, along with the poxy planet’s wildlife. Which seemed hell-bent on munching on the bones of as many of the beverage company’s employees as they could lay their nasty ten-legged paws on.

Well, why work there then?

Undoubtedly, the soft beverage company could have found a more hospitable planet on which to build a soft drinks factory? Or at least provide the factory employees with some sort of protection from the wildlife whose purpose in life seemed to be to wipe out as many of them in as short a period as possible. Well, yes, the owners of this soft beverage company could have found a more hospitable planet to set up a factory on if they were planning on selling a common- or- garden run-of-the-mill soft drink. Make the shareholders a few hundred thousand credits per year and have done with it. Sounds good to me. Where can I buy some shares? Unless you were the inventor of a revolutionary world, busting guaranteed original fizzy drink that would take the universe by storm and become one of the best-selling fizzy beverages of all time. Making the inventor and all the shareholders millions instead of a measly hundred thousand credits in return on their investment. The advertising and sponsorship alone ran into the hundreds of millions, not to mention the Formula 8000 Hyper-jump racing team sponsorship, a spectacularly popular sport amongst the rich and famous. And the universal Anti-matter aerobatic competitions attracted millions of spectators and sponsorship universe-wide.

I think you get its gist. This drink was a winner. But, unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on if you were a factory employee or a shareholder, the only place it could produce this famous drink was Proton VII. Why? Well, the main top-secret ingredient of this goldmine of a soft fizzy drink was….

Wait for it- Yes, you’ve guessed it, fermented cat pee from the local wildlife in the form of our ten-legged gaping maws filled with nasty poisonous fangs scourge cat bladder beasts. Yes, that’s right, fermented excrement from the bladders of these ten-legged bone munching menaces. But scourge cat bladder beast wee wasn’t your common-or-garden moggy pee. Oh no, suppose that had been the case. I’m sure some enterprising entrepreneur on planet Earth would have found a way of incorporating it into a best-selling fizzy beverage that would no doubt become the best-selling soft drink of all time along with all the sponsorship deals, maybe a Formula 1 team, etc.

Perhaps it would also taste like fizzy moggy wee, wee, who knows?

Anyway, as I was saying, this fizzy drink produced on the planet Proton VII’s principal ingredient was scourge cat bladder beast pee. And this cat pee, when fermented. Produced a highly addictive nootropic that stimulated a part of the consumer’s brain cortex, giving them an instant and long-lasting high. Also unknown to the consumers of this drink. It was also highly addictive. Hence its instant popularity amongst the glitterati, bars, clubs, and upmarket cocktail bars around the unknown universe and their interlacing star systems. Making the drinks inventor and his shareholders’ millionaires overnight once they released it to the unsuspecting public.

That was until another drink came onto the market. Then, suddenly, the popularity of this fizzy drink waned. Share prices fell, and the drink’s inventor and the shareholders were not amused by this sudden drop in their share prices. The shareholders started demanding that the beverage company and its main shareholder do something about it quickly before they all became bankrupt and homeless. But what?

TWO

THE PLANET G☌⏃⌰⟟⎎⍀⟒⊬R.E.Y.

Now, you’re probably wondering why some words of this chapter are written in strange alien hieroglyphs?

Well, let me explain. In no uncertain terms, the editor told me that the planet’s name and its citizens that I am about to write about would infringe on copyright laws, etc. He also informed me that unless I wanted to end up in a smelly prison cell, on some godforsaken hellhole of a planet. Take Proton VII, for example, and left to the mercy of the planet’s wildlife. Then I better not mention the planet’s real name.

Instead, I ran the name through a universal translator or Interociter, as it’s more commonly known. And it came up with several unintelligible alien alternatives for this planet’s name and its inhabitants, products, etc. That I want to explain briefly in my story.

Another strange fact about this planet was that its inhabitants, who were humanoid in appearance, had, for some unknown reason, only known to themselves two career choices. After finishing your education, you could go to university and study to become a doctor or get an apprenticeship in the planet’s only other industry-main, the telephone box factory. Sometimes, you could do both. Let me explain.

Now let’s say, for instance, you have decided you don’t want to follow in your father’s or siblings’ footsteps and become an apprentice engineer. You don’t fancy building telephone boxes for the rest of your life until you pop your clogs.

Because let’s be honest, a career as a team leader or middle management in a factory producing telephone boxes can be pretty dull? And it won’t get you noticed by the college hotties, will it?

And despite disappointing your family and the family tradition, which more or less dictates that you will work in the factory if you like it or not. So, having studied hard for your master’s in electronics, etc., you decide to drop out mid-term.

And you’ve decided you want to become a doctor instead. However, having burned your bridges with your school by dropping out mid-term, a curriculum swap is a no go.

The only other opportunity is to apply for the phone box factory’s trainee company doctor apprenticeship and let them pay for your education. Then, of course, you could still work part-time on the assembly lines building phone boxes to pay the bills. If I chose not to upset my family by dropping out of college, it would be the best of both worlds; it would most definitely impress the local females. And as a bonus, your parents wouldn’t kick you out of the family home—win-win all around happy days.

But that’s enough about this planet. So, let’s get back to why the soft beverage company shareholders of planet Hordan III were interested in this planet?

For one, the planet G☌⏃⌰⟟⎎⍀⟒⊬Rey was where the competition and potential downfall of the soft drinks factory produced the next best thing to sliced bread in the form of a world-breaking best-tasting beer.

And a direct competitor to B.E.L.C.H’s now less famous fizzy drink…

That it was the best-tasting beer ever didn’t help

In fact, the brewery’s beer was so good it became a bestseller overnight. Once word had leaked out, this brewery had come up with a new world-beating I.P.A.

All the famous top-notch clubs and bars were selling this new ale as fast as they could lay their paws on it. The share prices of the once most renowned bestselling fizzy beverage produced by the Soft Beverage Limited Company of the planet Hordan III were now practically worthless.

Making the principal shareholders and ex-Formula 8000 racing pilot Rich Bstssrd the main shareholder even more determined to ruin the planet for daring to come up with something; better than his fizzy drink. The cheeky sods. How dare they?

‘Woah, slow down,’ I hear you say.

‘I thought you said there were only two career choices on this planet? Where does the beer-making career option come into the equation?’

Did I forget to mention beer-making as a third career choice on the planet? I, didn’t I?

But to be honest, working in a brewery is not an actual career opportunity on this planet, as I explained earlier.

But let’s say, just for argument’s sake, you were one of the planet’s inhabitants. And you have just finished doing your master’s or whatever this planet’s equivalent for a degree is? Perhaps you are considering going rogue and telling your career officer where to stuff his doctor or apprentice engineer careers where the sun doesn’t shine. So instead, you wanted to work where all the cool university dropouts work. In a brewery, where else?

Then the only way into this cool club of dudes is to study hard and get into Uni, then drop out mid-term. Hopefully. You will impress the brewery owners enough with your rebellious attitude that they will offer you a job as an apprentice brewmaster.

***

THREE

HORDAN III

The Soft Beverage Limited Company headquarters of Hordan III; is located in the Jorovanian province. This province is where most of the planets’ desirable locations were found, if you see what I’m getting at?

It was built on a secluded island peninsula shaped like a big, oversized hand, giving someone the middle finger. Far away from the hustle and bustle of the planet’s central capital city, Hola.

Most of the planet’s inhabitants were oxygen breathers and humanoid in appearance. However, some were not oxygen breathers, or were remotely humanoid in appearance. They weren’t fortunate or rich enough to live in one of the more desirable locations, so they occupied the less glamorous parts of the major planets, provinces, and cities.

Their only claim to fame was that they were multi atmosphere breathers, which made them suitable for space exploration, miners, engineers, and Proton VII fizzy drink factory employees. This worked out well for the founder of the most famous best-selling fizzy drink ever. Richard Bstssrd or Rich, as he preferred to be called. Ex-Formula 8000 Hyper-jump racing pilot turned entrepreneur. Founder and the main shareholder of the Soft Beverage Limited Company of Hordan III or B.E.L.C.H. for short. So, when he needed employees for his new drink factory on Proton VII, he knew just the people to approach…

Rich Bstssrd was not a happy bunny as he sat in B.E.L.C.H.’s main headquarters conference room. Sipping on a cocktail whose ingredients were one- part Meloovian vodka, one part Venusian absinthe topped up with Rich’s own fizzy beverage. And a few other secret ingredients are only known to Rich’s robotic personal mixologist: Harry, a scarce H2g2 model. He had come up with this lethal combo known as a.

“Fast, uncomfortable screwdriver up against an electrified barbed wire fence. “

This cocktail mixture was trendy amongst the planet’s youth and the reason for the drink’s overnight success. It should have carried a government health warning because, for one, Meloovian vodka contained hallucinogens, as did the Venusian absinthe. In addition, the fizzy drink that made up the rest of this cocktail’s ingredients was fermented scourge cat bladder beast wee. Combining these two ingredients made this cocktail bloody lethal and best avoided.

Just heed my warning: stick to beer if anyone offers to buy you one of these cocktails when you’re on a night out on the lash with your mates. Leave this lethal cocktail well alone…

Anyway. Rich Bstssrd, as I explained before, was sitting in the boardroom facing a furious room full of shareholders. They were demanding to know what he would do about the sudden crash of the shareholders’ shares?

***

‘Well, Bstssrd,’ One of the angrier shareholders shouted.

This shareholder had invested a lot of money in Rich Bstssrd’s company and stood to lose a small fortune if the company went tits up. This looked more and more likely as the competition had recently released a new ale that was taking the stock market by storm. It wasn’t addictive or bloody lethal either, making it an instant best-seller.

Upon its release, it had made B.E.L.C.H.’s shares practically worthless. What was more of an insult was one of Rich Bstssrd’s oldest school friends, a former teammate and lead Formula 8000 Hyper-jump racing pilot for Rich’s new racing team. Had recently jumped ship and joined the competition’s new racing team. To add insult to injury. He had won the race for the opposition. Making him the universal Formula 8000 Hyper-jump world champion and making a small fortune in sponsorship deals for the competition and himself…

‘Well, Bstssrd, I’m still waiting for an answer.’ The shareholder, a retired Joviaan commodities broker, shouted again.

Realising that he needed to get his act together fast. Otherwise, he was likely to be lynched by the angry mob of shareholders, who stood menacingly close to him in the boardroom. Some of them were carelessly waving Joviaan Destructomatic MK1 ray guns in the air in protest. Unaware of the erratic safety catch that is supposed to stop you from accidentally shooting off your wedding tackle when holstered in your back pocket. Or stuffed carelessly down your trousers, gunslinger fashion.

Not the kind of ray gun to be waving in Rich’s general direction or anyone as the things have a nasty reputation of going off half-cocked (No pun intended!!). And if you bothered to read the safety notice issued by the ray guns manufacturer, the Jovian Destructomatic Ray Gun Manufacturing Company of the planet Joviaan V.

One essential part of the safety and operating instructions stated in several alien languages and for some unknown reason also in English that under no circumstances should this ray gun be waved around carelessly in the air by its owner. If you did, you did at your own peril. It also stated that you cannot hold the manufacturers responsible if you, the owner, accidentally gave yourself a lobotomy or accidentally blew off your privates…

‘I think that’s enough, gentlemen, don’t you?’

Rich’s P.A., the delectable Miss Sumptuous, interrupted before the mob of angry shareholders could continue with their protest and waving of erratic ray guns.

‘As you can see, Mr Bstssrd is not feeling very well and needs some rest. I’m sure you will all understand he’s tired and as upset about the share prices as you are. He hasn’t slept for over twenty-four hours, trying desperately to develop a solution for the current situation.’ She continued.

‘Yes, but what is he going to do about it?’ Another angry shareholder enquired. Rohtak the Flatulent was his name and Venusian.

Like many other angry shareholders in the conference room, he had invested a pile of his retirement money in the company. So, he had a vested interest if things were about to go pear-shaped.

Before he could continue, Miss Sumptuous interrupted him with one of her famous disarming smiles whilst blowing him a kiss and stopping him in his tracks.

The shareholder blushed, and the room went silent as all the shareholders’ many sets of eyes stared toward Rich Bstssrd’s stunning P.A.

Now she had their attention. She wasn’t about to lose it.