70 Things you can do while being hospitalized

70 THINGS YOU CAN DO WHILE BEING HOSPITALIZED

COPYRIGHT: LASSE TOFT

“FEAR CAN BE A PRISON.

HOPE AND HUMOR IS YOUR KEY OUT”

PREFACE

If you read this book, it’s most likely that you’re a patient at a hospital. Don’t worry. It’s not sure it’s the end of your life.

Because of an injury, I got in the summer of 2015 I was taken to the hospital’s ICU (intensive Care Unit). Much to the surprise of the doctors I woke up after 10 days. What a nightmare! I was in such a bad state that I had to stay at various hospitals for the next 6 months!

With only a few exceptions, I was treated by competent and friendly professionals. Even though the staff was Top of the Pops and I almost daily had friends and family visiting, it was hard not going mental. Also, because of the complexity of my injury, doctors couldn’t really give me an estimate about whether I would be well again. This meant that fear was a constant “companion” I had to deal with. Really hard to cope with.

Soon I found out that the best weapon against fear was humor. So, I made as much fun with the staff as I could and joked about my own miserable situation. Humor really is the best – and sometimes the only - medicine.

In this little book I have collected some proposals to what you can do while being hospitalized to handle your fear and not going mental.

By every proposal there will be a list of the assistive devices needed (if any). Most proposals will also have a footnote where I explain my own experiences with carrying out the proposal.

So, lean back in your hospital bed. Ask the nurse to bring you something cold to drink and give yourself time to read. For once in your life, you do have all the time to read – enjoy.

Lasse Toft

A TRIBUTE TO ALL THE STAFF AT THE HOSPITAL

As you read this book you might think that I hate all the staff and professionals at the hospital. I might be a little rough with some of the people working at the hospital.

As mentioned in the preface, doctors couldn’t really give me an estimate about whether I would get well again and how long it could take. I ended up being in the hospital for 6 months.

6 months is not a world record but it’s longer time than most people and I hope it’s longer than you’ll have to stay.

So, because of my long and painful time at the hospital, I might be a little unfair to the staff in this book.

However, it’s because of the profound knowledge of the staff that I’m still here today. I owe them everything. Because of them I survived. Because of them I could recognize wife and kids when I woke up. Because of them I didn’t end up as a vegetable – although it’s quite hip to be a vegan these days.

So, the staff are the heroes and I’m the fool.

P.S: I have given flowers to most of the staff that took care of me and trained me at the hospital.

Sometimes I think that I might even be welcome back another time…

1 - MEDICINE ROULETTE

Medicine roulette is for the patient who has been hospitalized for quite some time or for the patient who is just getting kind of tired of life.

To carry out this proposal you’ll need to save your medicine pills for several days. You’ll also need to have other patients from your ward to do the same. To be a success it’s vital that your fellow patients also have a total disrespect for death. Then you’ll need a glass bottle and that’s about it. Quite simple really.

With your fellow patients and all your medicine pills you need to find a room where no one will disturb you.

Now you sit in a circle on the floor. Each patient has his/hers pills in front of them. The bottle is in the middle of the circle. Spin the bottle. By the first spin the bottle shows which patient must eat the pills. The next spin will tell which pile of pills must be eaten.

The first patient who vomit, faints, or needs a big shot with the defibrillator has won.

Footnote:

I didn’t try Medicine roulette while I was hospitalized. However, in a way I did try it.

The medicine for each day was delivered in a small plastic box by the nurse. The nurse would read the name and social security number on the label on the box. Then I would read my name and number on the box. If you’re really messed up and feel miserable it’s quite easy – after a couple of months – to be careless about such details. So, one day neither the nurse nor I read the label!

I swallowed all the pills with my breakfast. While eating my breakfast I read the label and thought: “Strange I’m 30 years older and funny my name is Gilbert”. I had swallowed another patient’s pills!

I told it to the nurse who immediately ran out of the room. After a few minutes she came back out of her breath. I should not worry because the pills were not harmful as they were laxative.

That weekend I did spend a lot of time on the porcelain bowl!

2 - DRESS AS A DOCTOR

This proposal is quite difficult to pull off but I’m sure it will give you a whole day of fun. Do remember that when you’re having fun you kind of forget your illness and pain.

If you want to try this proposal just sneak into the staff office while no one is there. Take a doctor’s medical gown, a stethoscope, a clipboard, and a pen.

Fully dressed as a doctor you’re ready to have some fun. First you walk into some of the rooms where some of the most annoying patients are. Look at some of the machines in the room, use the stethoscope, take the patients pulse. Look on the clipboard and say: “No, no, no, we got to do something much more radical. From tomorrow you’ll have to walk the hallway at least 50 times. If you don’t do it, I’m not sure there is anything we can do”.

The good thing about dressing up as a doctor is that you’re not limited to your own ward. All the premises of the hospital is your playground. You can talk to the visitors as well. Take some trips in the elevator until you spot a visitor who seems a bit nervous. Start staring at the visitor’s arm. After an embarrassing long time, you say: “Oh my, that’s not good news. One month ago, we had a patient with just the same little spot on the arm as you have got. We have just amputated the arm!”

Footnote:

When I told one of the doctors from the hospital, I did spend the most time – that I was writing this book – she told me that they had tried that one of the patients had tried to convince other patients that he was a doctor. I think I missed a great opportunity to do this while I was at the hospital, but you can do it. Come on, do it!

3 - DRESS AS THE GRIM REAPER

This proposal will for sure give you hours of very fun entertainment. You’ll might need someone from outside the hospital to sneak in some of the things needed to carry out the act.

You’ll only need 3 things to do this: A black robe, a scythe, and a calendar.

Dressed in the black robe and the scythe in one hand and the calendar in the other you’re ready to “spread joy” around the hospital.

Quickly you’ll learn that in some rooms you’ll just need to enter the room to hear a heartfelt scream. In other rooms you’ll might have to look in the calendar and then say: “Good evening (insert the name of the patient), I can see we have an appointment tomorrow. You don’t need to eat your breakfast…”

Once again, you’re not limited to your own ward. Feel free to walk around the hospital. Once again, the elevator is a sure place to really have some fun. Just by entering the elevator you’ll notice people inside will start feeling insecure and will try to get out. Block the exit with the scythe and do nothing more. As the elevator starts moving, you say with a hoarse voice: “Yessss, the elevator makes weird noises today, just like planned”. Stand still and enjoy the silent crying.

If you feel hungry during the day you can just stroll past the staff cafeteria. Walk around the tables and look for the best meal. When you have found the best meal then just take it. If some fool will try to stop you then just point at them with your finger while saying with a hoarse voice: “Soon my friend, soon”.

When you’re back in your room then be sure to hide your equipment in your closet.

Footnote:

As I really couldn’t walk while I was hospitalized, I never dressed as the Grim Reaper. However, I have always found it tempting to dress as the Grim Reaper and take a walk outside a hospital or a home for the elderly. Yes, I know I’m a very bad person, but don’t you too think it could be fun?

4 - WATCH TV

Even though it’s a kind of declaration of personal bankruptcy, there can be times where you only have enough strength to press the buttons on the remote control to the TV. A couple of weeks ago you probably told yourself that “oh I wish that I could just lie down in bed and watch the telly all day long. Well, nothing is so bad that it isn’t good for something. Because now you can watch TV all day long. So put your feet up in the bed (unless you’re at the hospital because you lost them). Ask the nurse to bring you something to drink and a diaper for adults (now you don’t have to waste time going to the toilet).

As an extra service this book offers a standard TV schedule based on the daily programs on the 3 largest TV stations in this country. Just think of all the money you save on all the expensive TV-Guides. Amazing what this book has to offer.

Here’s the guide:

07.00

News and the weather.

07.10

Sport and the weather.

07.20

The weather.

07.30

The weather as it was the day before.

07.40

The weather in Belgium.

07.50

Table football and the weather.

08.00

Some “Good morning” program where it’s all about the host and the guest is a minor detail. Unless it’s (Put in the name of a TV personality who the nation is fed up with) who’s the guest. Also, a chef making some boring healthy food. And the weather.

08.30

The weather 3 days ago.

09.00

Program about antics, the weather - and (the TV personality who the nation is fed up with).

09.30

The weather – with celebrities and food – and (the TV personality who the nation is fed up with).

10.00

Real Housewives of (a very small town far away).

10.30

The weather

11.00

Retransmission of the 10.30 weather.

11.30

“The Librarians”. An exciting new reality show about the hectic life in a library. In the first exciting episode we will witness 100 new books that must be placed on the bookshelf in alphabetical order. The registration machine is broke, and a librarian finds a slice of cheddar in a JK Rowling book.

12.00

The weather in a deluxe version with the almost most popular boybands.

13.00

News.

14.00

Sport.

15.00

(The TV personality the nation is fed up with) jumps out of Big Ben while presenting the weather forecast.

16.00

(The TV personality the nation is fed up with) is interviewing the paramedics in the ambulance.

17.00

(The TV personality the nation is fed up with) is telling about life after death from the coffin.

18.00

News, Sport, and the Weather.

19.00

Some “Good evening” show. Again, with a very important host but this time also with a handful of longtime forgotten celebrities constantly trying to be on camera all the time and laughing hard all through the show – and the Weather.

20.00

“Pyongyang’s got talent”. New exciting talent show. The real deal. Watch the contestants being executed if they fail on the scene.

21.00

The weather with accountants.

23.00

“Midsummer Murders”. Retransmission of episode 1.287.

24.00

News and the weather. Retransmission from the whole day.

Footnote:

I was in such a bad state during the first two months at the hospital, that even watching TV was to exhausting. After a couple of months, I woke up a little and started watching TV. Most channels and programs are just really stinking. You rarely see anything new as most programs are just retransmissions.

And please tell me. Why do we need to know what the weather was like yesterday?

By the way. I forgot to put in 30-50 “Breaking News” throughout the day in the schedule. “Breaking News” like: “Prime Minister’s budgie is dead”.

I guess I’m getting old because I just don’t understand. If your feet are working, then turn the TV off and take a walk. If they don’t work, then take a stroll in a wheelchair. Just do something.

5 - FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH

Faking your own death is really simple and easy since you don’t need any assistive devices. You can even stay in your bed if you feel like it.

Faking your own death is very useful when you’re having guests you don’t really care about or think they’re ugly or smell a lot.

It’s also a very easy way to find out if the staff really cares about you at all. If you’ll hear the staff saying: “At last we got rid of the old fart in room number 4”, then you’ll know that you might not be the hospital darling you thought you were.

The easiest way to fake your own death is by just staying in your bed. Stretch one leg out of the bed. Open one eye a little and close the other. As an extra detail you can save a sandwich from your lunch. Take a bite, chew it a bit and spit it out over your shirt. Yes, that might be a bit disgusting, but you got to make it look real. Come on, you can do it.

If you have a picture of your spouse on the night table, then hold it in your arms. This will give huge respect as you chose to hold the picture in your dying seconds rather than press the alarm button.

Of course, you can fake your own death many other places at the hospital: The hallway, the reception area, the patient’s canteen etc. Use your imagination and have some fun.

Footnote:

The first time I faked my own death was as a freshman, during a physics class in college. My teacher was convinced, that in order to give us students a fair grade at the end of the semester, we all had to come to the blackboard twice to explain and prove a physics theory. The teacher would verbally slaughter every student and afterwards he would sit down with a big fat satisfied smile on his face writing the grade in a little handbook he kept in his shirt pocket.

In my first duel with the teacher and the blackboard, I should explain and prove the law of Boyle-Mariottes. On my way to the blackboard, I suddenly remembered that I could not remember the law of Boyle-Mariottes. I quickly went into survival mode and acted a heart attack! Even though I’m a lousy actor, my teacher looked terrified. I started laughing. Strangely my teacher didn’t find it funny at all. The rest of the semester I had to go several more times to the blackboard than the other students. It was a very long semester.

The next time I faked my own death was at the first hospital I was at after my 10 days at the ICU. This hospital was challenged by not having enough staff. So, when you pressed the alarm button in your room, it wasn’t sure someone would turn up.

One day I was having lunch in the patient’s canteen. I was sitting in a wheelchair as I couldn’t walk at that stage of my hospital adventure. I was in great pain so after lunch I wanted to get back to my bed. I looked around to ask some staff to help me but couldn’t find any. I started calling for help, but nothing happened. After calling for some minutes I thought the most obvious thing to do was to fake my own death. Then somebody would have to do something. What a clever idea I thought. I laid my upper body over the table and my plate. Nothing happened and I haven’t though that lying in this silly position would only increase my pain. However, I had to play it to the end and after a long time a nurse found me and took me back to my room. She did not talk to me on the way back to my room…

The third time I faked my own death was at the next hospital I was hospitalized. This hospital was believed to be the experts in injuries like mine. There were lots of staff and most of them were even very nice people. However, at that time I had already been in a hospital for 2 months. At that stage I was also kind of woken up a little so I realized how bad a state I was in and could figure out that it would take forever to be well again. This was the most depressing time of my life, and I got a desperate need to roast someone. “Someone”, turned out to be a young and a bit nervous physiotherapist. The perfect victim I thought. We were training in the hospital’s fitness room in the basement. As part of my training, I got electric impulses therapy. The physiotherapist attached the cables to my not working leg and attached the other end of the cables to a little machine. “I’m just testing to see if it works”, she said. I used my best acting skills and shook as if I got 1.000.000 volts through my body. My grande finale was playing dead while my right foot would shake just a little. An Oscar worthy performance I would say, but I never got to train again with the young physiotherapist.

So, my conclusion is: Faking your own death is easy and can be convenient but you must remember that some people just don’t have any sense of humor.