No Weeping Widow Here - My True Story

Prologue

Our last weekend together began on Friday, November 24, 2017, when

my Beloved Bernie told me, “After tonight, honey, we’ll have two more nights

together.” Wow, how could he know? I completely dedicated the next three days

to him—to us.

Bernie had been on oxygen constantly for a month. Now, the tumors in

his lungs were so huge he could only breathe by sitting up in bed and leaning

forward. Even though he had lost over 100 pounds, his body still looked

beautiful to me. Wanting to be as close to him as possible, I embraced him

from behind, holding him for hours. I read to him from an uplifting spiritual

book he enjoyed, massaged his back, and made sure he had enough water.

Throughout the weekend, I showed him how much he meant to me by looking

into his soulful blue-green eyes and giving him a big smile of love, honor, and

dignity. When he returned my smile, I felt washed in his love. These final days

were tender, loving, and bittersweet.

Monday morning Bernie was restless and agitated, I thought he might be

in pain. I gave him hourly doses of his oral medications to ease his breathing

and reduce any discomfort. It settled him down considerably—I hoped I wasn’t

giving him too much. At one point, I remembered what he had said about us

only having two more nights together, so I knew—today was the day.

I again held him close as he fought for every breath. All day, we listened to

the inspirational sounds of spiritual music, filling the whole room with a sense

of peace, calm, and sacredness.

His eldest son came over at 3:30. Fifteen minutes later, Bernie pulled off

his oxygen mask. I suggested that his transition might be easier if he had some

oxygen coming in—he let me put the cannula in his nose. Shortly after this,

our friend, Reverend Tina, arrived to provide counsel and comfort. Tina,

Bernie’s son, Bernie’s friend Hans, and I formed a circle around Bernie as he

sat on the lower right corner of his bed. Then Tina began praying and sending

him healing energy. I told him he was free to leave—everyone and everything

would be fine, and God was anticipating his arrival, along with his family and

friends. He could simply let go.

I crawled in front of his lap, bent over, made eye contact one last time,

smiled, and said goodbye. He nodded his head ever so slightly, squeezed my

hand three times, telling me I LOVE YOU, and then took his final breath. His

soul was liberated from his body—he was free.

Bernie’s presence and large spirit immediately filled the room with the

most exquisite, divine, pristine energy I had ever felt, as if all the angels in the

universe were present, singing his praises. Tears of ecstasy and happiness for

him overcame me.

We were silent for a few minutes—none of us wanted to move. We all held

hands in honor of this exceptional moment we shared. I am bonded forever

with Tina, Hans, and Bernie’s son.

It was the most magnificent, sacred experience of my life.

Me and My Beloved Bernie

This is the story of my life with my Beloved Bernie, my experience of

his death, and creating a life without him. I recount the wonders and the

struggles of our amazing ten years together, the journey of our final eight

months, and how I championed my future over the next five years. I invite

you into the extraordinary chapters of my life as I share many gems along the

way about what I did and how I took care of myself before, during, and after

Bernie’s passing.

I first met Bernie in October 2003, at a personal development course

called the Landmark Forum®. My life was at a point where I wanted to

expand the effectiveness of my communications and improve the quality of

my relationships. After the weekend course, we both took part in a 10-week

seminar series, along with other Forum participants. He was married, so I

paid little attention to him during the meetings.

Bernie and I both happened to attend a Christmas party hosted by one of

the people in the seminar. Sitting at the kitchen island, we talked for hours,

like no one else was in the room. I shared with him about my transformational

healing practice, Center for Extraordinary Outcomes, which I opened in 1996.

I explained the Resonance Repatterning® process I offered and taught, along

with other unique healing methods I added over the years. I also expressed

my strong desire to relax on beaches around the world. I love being at the

beach—wide open spaces, fresh air, walking along the shore, and collecting

seashells where the waves meet the sand.

Bernie told me about his plan to play a lot of golf and travel extensively,

which was why he had two part-time jobs. One, working at a golf course so

he could play for free, and another as an airline ground agent, so he could

fly standby, inexpensively. He was doing what he loved and was happy. Our

conversation was interesting, impactful, and memorable. We didn’t speak

again for several years.

In the spring of 2007, I started receiving emails from sunpower11. I

knew it wasn’t wise to open an unfamiliar email address. My intuition told

me to open it anyway and I’m glad I did—the messages were uplifting and

empowering. These inspirational emails came every few days—then one day,

the email began with, “Just for You!”

Being bold, I thanked whomever it was for the uplifting messages that

truly made a difference in my life, and inquired, “Do I know you? Should I

know you?”

“Yes, it’s Bernie, from the Landmark Forum courses we participated in

four years ago, remember me? I want to learn more about the work you do,

and I know some people who might be interested. When can we get together?”

I looked at my schedule and saw that I was available that day for lunch,

so I asked, “Is today too soon?”

“Nope, today would be perfect.”

Bernie brought over Chinese food and we talked for three hours nonstop.

Our conversation focused on my healing work. I explained how I help

people identify and release the emotional and mental patterns holding them

back from having what they want in life. Then support them in aligning with

new patterns to accomplish their goals. I always loved talking about my work

because my clients experienced highly inspirational results.

The discussion also included our spiritual history. I shared about being

raised in the Catholic Church, then connecting in my mid-twenties with

Unity Chicago Church. After I moved to Arizona, I attended the Unity

of Phoenix Spiritual Center. In addition, I revealed my deep and heartfelt

connection with God and the gift of being able to hear His voice and capture God’s profound messages in my journal. This made my contemplative prayer

time very special.

Bernie disclosed that he also had been raised in the Catholic Church,

then participated in Reverend Moon’s Unification Church in his mid-twenties

for 15 years and for the last several years, has been attending the Unity of

Phoenix Spiritual Center. It meant a lot to us that we were aligned spiritually,

and we wondered why we had never crossed paths with each other at church.

Bernie shared that he had two arranged marriages during his time with

The Unification Church and had gotten divorced in 2004 from his wife of

fifteen years. He also told me his rebound relationship had been over for a

year. This was a good thing since I had two important rules about dating—

men are married until their divorce is final and no dating anyone on the

rebound. Sharing experiences can be fun and the sex might be great, but the

heartache is often greater and, frankly, not worth it.

As he was leaving, Bernie asked if I wanted to meet at my house again on

Saturday night. I did, so we did.

The doorbell rang. I opened the door with great anticipation. There stood

Bernie with strawberry shortcake and a bottle of wine. Without even saying

hello, he announced, “I only want to be your friend.”

I was taken aback. Not knowing exactly how to respond, I said, “I don’t

know what the future brings, but I do know that I like to get to know someone

first before starting any kind of romantic relationship.”

“Great, I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”

Later that evening, Bernie shared he didn’t want me to think he was

coming over just to get laid, which he figured most men would try to do. My

impression, at this point, was that he had strong ethics about relationships

and was highly respectful—which proved to be true.

We spent the next month having so much fun, just hanging out as friends.

He taught me to play golf, which I had never done—except for the miniature

version. I loved it! We were both hikers and took several invigorating walks

on local mountain paths. We also made day trips in Arizona, always listening to enjoyable music on the way. I specifically remember the second time we

went to the Apache Trail for a picnic—Bernie brought strawberries and

whipped cream for dessert. I remarked, “This is pretty sensual for a platonic

picnic.” He just smiled.

Whenever we met up, we’d talk about our upbringing, careers, hobbies,

likes, dislikes, friendships, and past romantic relationships. We learned so

much about each other—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Bernie could count

on one hand the women he’d been with, and my relationship history was

full of men. When he asked me to reveal details of my past relationships, I

told him that the only way I would share these experiences was if he would

celebrate what I learned and who I’d become because of them. He agreed and

got an earful—including lots of laughter and a few tears.

About five weeks after we first had dinner at my house, we drove out to

Bartlett Lake. We were lying on a beach towel after swimming, and he leaned

over and kissed me. I said, “Oh, you changed your mind, did you?”

“Yep.” The kiss was delicious—our loving relationship had begun. He

became my Beloved Bernie.

As our connection deepened, we slowly shared our hearts’ desires and

what each of us wanted for our future. We discovered we had different, yet

compatible dreams—similar enough to move forward together. I was hoping

for at least forty years, I got ten—the best ten years of my life.

After I met Bernie, I started putting a priority on having fun, traveling,

and spending time with family. I began scheduling work around plans with

him, rather than fitting our time together around my work. It was a complete

shift in my mindset from being driven by my career and making money to

sharing a glorious life with him—which is exactly what happened.

Each New Year’s Day, Bernie and I would create and declare our intentions

for the coming year. Getting clear about, writing down, and communicating

our plans for the future was a powerful way to manifest what we wanted to

accomplish.

We always included the standards we strived to live by that made everything else in our lives possible. Bernie’s was fulfilling his life’s purpose

to be his greatest and highest self—loving, kind, joyful, and adventurous.

Mine were living a heart-centered life, thriving as a human being rather than

a human doing, and taking care of myself along the way. All while fulfilling

my purpose to inspire and empower myself and others to live extraordinary

lives, overflowing with love, adventure, passion, and joy.

We discussed what we each needed and how we could encourage one

another. It was such a lovely coming together—a way we could work to be the

best versions of ourselves while contributing to and supporting each other’s

greatness.

We talked about all the lovely places we wanted to visit and then laid out

a travel schedule for the year. We had a lot of flexibility since I worked for

myself and Bernie worked for the airlines.

Taking care of my well-being was important to me. I regularly had

physical therapy, acupuncture, and massage for a shoulder injury I sustained

in 1990. To expand my knowledge and wisdom, I attended workshops and

conferences, along with personal reading for pure entertainment. Meditation,

hiking, riding my bike, and dancing every chance I got, centered me in my

heart. When I started writing in 2011, I set aside time for book writing

retreats to ensure my inspiration never stopped flowing. During 2014, I

began singing weekly in the Higher Vibrations choir that fed my soul.

Bernie found immense pleasure in getting a great deal. He checked

out yard sales, shopped thrift stores, and scoured online sites whenever he

could. He also loved online poker, playing golf, and researching aspects of

spirituality that interested him.

Living separately during our first six years together genuinely supported

both of us. We were always brimming with anticipation and excitement

for the weekend because we weren’t in each other’s hair during the week.

We integrated our lives, including visiting my mom, spending time with

his sons, and attending Unity Church. Much of our social life included his

best friend Robert, my best friend Linda, and several other people in our

individual lives—connecting, laughing, and being joyful, whether we were at

the movies, out to dinner, or just hanging out. Friday evenings were special to us—it’s when the fun began! I remember

running to my front door when Bernie rang the bell—it was thrilling to see

him again after being apart all week. Sometimes he would bring the groceries

for dinner and we’d create appetizing meals at home. Other times we would

go out to a restaurant for delicious meals without having to do the work.

Twice a month, after we ate, we attended spiritual channeling sessions.

On the first Friday of the month, we were regulars at Intuitive Directions’

Equinoxx sessions, channeled by Joan Scibienski. Bernie and I had the

privilege of sitting at the front of the room with Joan. His thirst for knowledge

and answers surpassed anyone I knew, which was often satisfied by Equinoxx.

On the way home from these gatherings, he and I would talk about all the

knowledge that was shared and what we learned. Sometimes we would even

create more questions for the next month’s gathering. We loved sharing these

moments.

On the last Friday of each month, we were also regulars at Torina,

channeled through Brenda Fulkerson. We especially valued these sessions

as they provided more opportunities to discuss and get clarity about the

answers to our questions. Knowing Torina would send us healing energy for

three days, I intentionally connected with this energy before I went to sleep,

when I woke up, and often throughout the day.

We did our best to integrate into our daily lives everything we received

through these channeling sessions, both personally and as a couple. It was

delightful to be with a man who genuinely enjoyed being with other people

and was interested in exploring spiritual perspectives that were not traditional.

***

We traveled easily together and shared a multitude of adventures,

whether it was in Arizona, out of state, or out of the country. Our Arizona

day trips included visiting all the popular tourist spots and towns—the Grand

Canyon, Tonto National Forest, Apache Trail, Sedona, Prescott, and Jerome

were some of our favorites. Going to The London Bridge in Lake Havasu and

picnicking at local area lakes were especially fun.

Having lived in the metropolitan Midwest until I was 36, I loved the

desert from the start. The wide-open spaces and mountains, with blooming

cacti, wildflowers galore, and impressive views, provided a serenity all its

own. One of our trips to Sedona stands out in my memory.

I was the early bird and always had plenty of time to

prepare our lunch. For this trip, I made a big salad with lots of

veggies and cold rotisserie chicken, which I knew Bernie would

love. When he got up, he loaded the cooler and our folding

chairs in the trunk, and off we went. We both loved to drive.

I would drive first while Bernie’s coffee kicked in. Half way

there, we stopped to get more coffee and switch drivers. We

took our time, admiring the beautiful scenery, for which the

area is famous.

As usual, Bernie found a secluded spot to stop for our picnic,

right along the shore of Oak Creek. It was incredibly quiet and

peaceful. We ate my tasty salad, and then sat holding hands,

mesmerized by the beauty of the moment. I surprised him by

pulling out one of his favorite spiritual books and began reading

aloud. He always loved this, and I could tell from his smile

that he was happy. Within twenty minutes he was asleep, so I

stopped reading. The fresh air and gentle wind quickly put me to

sleep as well. We woke up about an hour later and drove to our

favorite nearby hiking spot and went for a short walk.

What made this trip so memorable was the sensational

double rainbow we saw on the way home—it was breathtaking.

We parked on the side of the road for a few minutes to soak it up.

Bernie’s cabin in the former mining town of Breezy Pines, Arizona, was one

of our top five places to go because it was considerably cooler in the summer

and just over an hour from home. We often took 3-day weekends there.

The breeze would whisper through the tall pines, hence the name Breezy

Pines. Sometimes we’d pack a lunch and take long hikes, exploring the

surrounding area. Other times, we’d get on his 4-wheeler ATV and go on a

longer adventure. Once in a while we visited Old Man Carl, who made the

best Bloody Mary in town which we drank in the middle of the afternoon no

less. Many evenings we would eat lots of nummy food then drink red wine as

we enjoyed gazing at the fire in the fireplace.

Occasionally, we invited friends to come with us for the weekend, which

was also a ton of fun. A few times, we enthusiastically mingled with the other

summer residents at the local Labor Day party.

Adventures abounded because Bernie worked for an airline and we could

fly standby. It gave us the opportunity for extensive travel to other parts of the

world. Stateside, we visited Florida, California, and Nevada, among others.

We also went to Wisconsin and Wyoming to visit my brother and sisters. We

took six trips to Hawaii visiting Maui, Kona, and Kauai—we liked Kauai the

best. Mexico was a frequent destination—we alternated between Cancun, Los

Cabos, Puerto Vallarta, and Puerto Penasco. We also shared many adventures

in Germany, Austria, St. Lucia, and Belize, our second favorite location.

Whenever we went to a beach, we’d spend time just looking out over

the water toward the horizon. On some beaches, the waves peacefully rolled

in and gently kissed the shore, on others they roared and crashed onto the

sand, reverberating with power. I preferred the calm and Bernie preferred

the intensity. We did both, holding hands and talking about the vastness of

Mother Nature and the gratitude we felt to have the time, money, energy, and

health to visit so many fabulous beaches. We always had a blast!