Barb

BARB

Drama - Comedy

OPENING SCENE

EXT.

Son is Running towards a house, heart beat sound effect playing as he runs with panic look on face.

INT.

We cut to a scene of legs standing on a chair, glimpse of a noose, in hallway of a house. Someone kicks the chair away. Son bursts through door just as the chair is kicked. Shocked look on his face. Heart beat sound stops, then cuts to “Two weeks previously” on screen.

SCENE TWO

Father pulls up at road side to collect Son, as a matter of urgency.

Father; Freddie - 40s, tattooed, charming, loves himself, violent.

Son; Stephen - 19, Easily led, Educated, Loveable, Clumsy.

INT;

FREDDIE

Quick, get in.

STEPHEN

Alright, alright, what’s the rush?

FREDDIE

I just need to run something by you, away from prying ears.

STEPHEN

Ok, where are we going?

FREDDIE

Your mum's favourite resting spot.

STEPHEN

Her grave?

2.

FREDDIE

Don’t be ridiculous. Taking you to a beauty spot she loved.

STEPHEN

OK. WHY?

FREDDIE

What’s up with your mood? Are you due on?

STEPHEN

Oh your’e hilarious. I am miserable because of your FUCKING GIRLFRIEND, BARB.

FREDDIE

OH? Since when?

STEPHEN

Day I met her; strutting down the high street with designer bags, all paid for by you. That’s my inheritance money, does my head in. She’s a gold digger. Why should she get to sit about all day whilst you work and she spends it? And how come my allowance didn’t go in this month?

FREDDIE

This is the most perfect moment to break this to you, but, uummm, how do I say this….

STEPHEN

Oh my God, you’re dying?

FREDDIE

No. Idiot - it’s worse than that.

STEPHEN

Worse? How can anything top that?

FREDDIE

Right, hear me out ok. Now you’re 19, things are, (pauses), going to be…slightly different.

STEPHEN

How so?

3.

FREDDIE

The reason you’ve had such a luxurious lifestyle was because of my work. But my work has been as much stressful as it has been successful.

STEPHEN

You went away to work on the oil rigs, how stressful can that be?

FREDDIE

I wasn’t on an oil rig for long periods, son.

STEPHEN

I knew it - you were having it off with Baggy Barb behind Mum's back?

FREDDIE

No No NO. I would never had done that to your Mother, God rest her soul. I was……in prison.

STEPHEN

What the actual fuck? Why?

FREDDIE

I’m a crook, a big time thief and…a….a…

STEPHEN

AND A WHAT?

FREDDIE

I Killed someone.

STEPHEN

OH MY.....

FREDDIE

Well, a few people to be precise. But I had the money for a top QC from London in those days & I got away with a lot.

STEPHEN

Wow, you actually sound like you’re proud of it. Are you really pleased with yourself?

4.

FREDDIE

Contract killings paid for your Uni, which you recently seemed proud to drop out of.

STEPHEN

Hardly a murderer though am I?

FREDDIE

Watch your mouth.

STEPHEN

Or what? Are you going silence me with a gun too?

FREDDIE

Never needed one of those to……

STEPHEN

Stop it, I don’t want to hear this. Who the hell are you and where’s my dad?

FREDDIE

I’ll always be your Dad, no matter what. (Upset) When your mum died I was riddled with guilt that I left her to do time inside.

STEPHEN

Did she know?

FREDDIE

(Just looks at Son)

STEPHEN

I can’t breathe. I can’t believe these words are coming out of your mouth. She REALLY knew? Please don’t tell me mum was a criminal too?

FREDDIE

No, she turned a blind eye and heard nothing. You understand? She didn't like it but she loved the money. How else would I have paid for all those trips for her to see her family in America?

5.

STEPHEN

Yes I get that, but the last time she went there she never came back. She’s dead, gone, no longer here to hug me and tell me I’m going to be ok.

FREDDIE

Hey, I’m here for you, always. Mum loved you and she will be looking over you right now and always. We can’t bring her back but we can keep her memory alive can’t we? She’s in my heart and in yours.

STEPHEN

(Wipes eyes) Thanks Dad. I’m sorry I just, what the fuck am I saying sorry for? you’ve just told me you’re a killer.

FREDDIE

Right, I am not having you think that my blood runs cold, I am still your Father. I just fell into a life of crime.

STEPHEN

HOW?

FREDDIE

It started when I wanted to give your Mother the best wedding day…

STEPHEN

That’s it - blame it on someone whose DEAD.

FREDDIE

Don’t talk like that. I wanted the best for her and before we got married I got myself in debt, when I had promised her she need not worry. I could not hurt her, you know that. So I had a once in a lifetime offer; to collect some debts owed to some guys I knew and earn’t 30 grand in time for the wedding.

STEPHEN

THIRTY GRAND? In ONE month?

6.

FREDDIE

Oh I’ve earned more than that in a month since then sunshine.

(Pulls up outside a shop)

STEPHEN

Holy shit! Dad, why are we outside Tesco express? Thought you were taking me to mums favourite beauty spot.

FREDDIE

Yeah, didn't you know? She would get a meal deal and sit here on her own, bless her heart. But you need to know something; no matter what, I was bringing you here to tell you this because...

STEPHEN

What’s the matter?

FREDDIE

I’ve run out of money, almost.

STEPHEN

That bitch Barbara, I swear I’ll….

FREDDIE

LISTEN, she’s part of the reason but..

STEPHEN

Just tell me ..

FREDDIE

I screwed up. I didn’t keep my eye on the market, on my investments. A lot of things crashed during covid and I was happy sitting by my pool and not working. I need to make more but, I, ummmm (look Stephen in the eyes) I need a partner.

STEPHEN

This isn’t happening. Tell me this is a dream. Someone slap me and wake me up because…

7.

FREDDIE

(Slaps son too hard & laughs at the shock of it. Son stunned but starts to laugh gently. This moment kind of brings them closer).

FREDDIE

Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

STEPHEN

You’re mental. You’ve never been like all my mates’ dads. Now you’re hinting for me to become like you.

FREDDIE

Sort of, I guess.

STEPHEN

You always said to me, since I was 4 or 5, that you wanted me to grow up to be just like you. Little did I know my Dad was Ted fucking Bundy.

FREDDIE

EH, that’s enough of that. I only killed men, well actually one woman once, long story.

STEPHEN

I can’t process this..this is too much.

Goes to open door - Dad has locked it

FREDDIE

You’re not going anywhere (Serious eyes)

STEPHEN

OK. You’re freaking me out right now, LET ME OUT.

FREDDIE

Unlocks it slowly

FREDDIE

Go and get some fresh air. Cool off.

8.

STEPHEN

(Out, slams door, leans against bonnet)

EXT

SCENE THREE - OUTSIDE BY THE CAR IS SON. DAD COMES TOWARDS BUT STANDS NEXT TO SON AND BOTH LOOKING OUT AT VIEW AND SAYING NOTHING FOR A MOMENT.

FREDDIE

Look, this is a lot to take in and I know in normal circumstance I wouldn’t be asking you to partner up with me but…

STEPHEN

Normal circumstances? Can you hear yourself? This wouldn’t happen in “normal circumstances” - EVER.

FREDDIE

You can do this.

STEPHEN

DO WHAT EXACTLY?

FREDDIE

Help me to make our finances better.

STEPHEN

Better for Barb? She need another walk-in wardrobe?

FREDDIE

No. I wanted to speak to you about her. Firstly she has no idea and I’ve told her to get a job and I’m shagging Big Jugs Julie.

STEPHEN

That’s my mates’ mum, she’s married.

FREDDIE

Was. He’s left her.

STEPHEN

Oh no, poor Julie. What did he…. ….because of you?

9.

FREDDIE

He hadn’t been kind to her for a long time, so I just, gently, sent him on his way.

STEPHEN

You’re unreal. What is this? Shock your Son day?

FREDDIE

I just wanted to wait until you were older to be this frank with you and now the danger door is open we may as well jump through it together.

STEPHEN

I’m listening.

(Slightly interested)

FREDDIE

I can show you EVERYTHING, all the tricks of the trade; how to steal, rob, con and prey on people. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, some people are supposed to die. I am just here to facilitate the smooth transition into heaven. Think of it as a "Saintly service".

STEPHEN

I’m surprised you haven’t snapped your neck yet.

FREDDIE

You’ve lost me. Snapped my neck?

STEPHEN

Yeah, from the weight of that halo.

FREDDIE

(Laughs) I’ve just fast tracked people to their final destination and after a long break I need to get back in the saddle, but I need a sidekick.

STEPHEN

And what happens if I can’t do it?

10.

FREDDIE

Then we’re both fucked. I need you and you need me, and you’re used to having what you want, now it’s time to earn it. You need to appreciate how cash lands in your wallet and there’s nothing better than an honest days work

Casually lights up a joint

STEPHEN

Thought you gave that shit up?

FREDDIE

Want some?

STEPHEN

No I don’t. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is, without being paranoid on weed.

FREDDIE

Like what?

STEPHEN

Just a spot of trouble I’m in with a tattooist.

FREDDIE

What kind of trouble?

STEPHEN

There’s this woman who tattoos and well known in Bristol for being a tough cow. We got into a heated argument and she punched me and knocked me clean out in front of everyone outside Benny’s Nightclub.

FREDDIE

Is that shit hole still open? God I remember when...

STEPHEN

Oh how are you Son? Never mind you got sparked out - you want to talk about the club.

FREDDIE

Sorry, just, memories that’s all. Me and your mum did it in the toilets once.

STEPHEN

NOOOO, that’s way too much, there needs to be a line.

FREDDIE

Of coke?

STEPHEN

For God’s sake.

FREDDIE

Oh right, boundaries, yes of course. Who is this chick anyway?

STEPHEN

If you saw her you’d realise why I’m so pissed off. She’s vile, rough and her family are now saying that they are going to get me as I reported her to the police.

FREDDIE

You did whaaatttt? Never bring them to your attention - ever - you always call me. Where does she work?

STEPHEN

Oh she works alone in a studio on St. Peter’s Avenue

Freddie suddenly realises the “alone” part and deep in thought.

FREDDIE

Oh does she now? Son, this is job number one.

INT

Scene Four - Father and Son are in a room, with a board, photos and maps, deep into a planning meeting of murder and robbery. Freddie points to map on board.

FREDDIE

Here at the side entrance to the Studio is a fire exit, stays open often. Thursday evenings she works late and three consecutive weeks she has wedged it open and it stays like that until she’s put the bins out then locks up.

12.

STEPHEN

How do you know all this?

FREDDIE

It’s called artistry. The canvas is my victim and I paint their demise in full colour and detail and at then at the end it’s a masterpiece, worth top dollars. So, step two.

STEPHEN

Wait, what was step one?

Freddie sighs, and tries to act like he’s in full control but realises he didn’t create a step 1)

FREDDIE

Here - the door.

Points to the picture of studio exit door

STEPHEN

Yes, I see that, but what is actually step one?

FREDDIE

Go to the door is step one.

STEPHEN

Details dad; When? Time? Have you seen any other visitors around that time in the area?

FREDDIE

Ok ‘day one criminal’, slow it down, don’t get ahead……

STEPHEN

Why pay thousands on an eduction for me if I can’t put it to good use. Here (Pushes dad aside) over here, what you’ve failed to point out, is Suzie’s all night cafe. On all three pictures there’s different cars and in one picture a woman is directly in view of the fire exit from her table outside. What if she is there that night?

13.

FREDDIE

I’ll shoot her.

STEPHEN

You said no guns.

FREDDIE

I’m kidding, there won’t be anyone there.

STEPHEN

How do you know?

FREDDIE

I will call the environment agency & get it closed for the evening. I have contacts. So think about it; cafe gets closed for the evening, giving us ample time to get in and get out.

Feels chuffed he came up with a plan in time

STEPHEN

So???

FREDDIE

Soooo, park on next street as there’s no CCTV, walk through alley, hats and shades on and dressed as workmen, glance at St Peter’s avenue and once clear we enter, close door gently behind and enter through her kitchen.

STEPHEN

What if she’s there as soon as we enter?

FREDDIE

I’ll punch her in the pussy and that should make her weak for a bit, then tie her to a chair and the interrogation begins; letting her know she’s messed with the wrong family. Get the cash, kill her, leave. Job done.

STEPHEN

Is that it? Boom, in and out?

FREDDIE

Yes.

14.

STEPHEN

Why don’t we wear masks and just rob and threaten her?

FREDDIE

Jobs like these take meticulous planning to have maximum results. Plan it properly and never get caught.

STEPHEN

Aren't you forgetting something?

FREDDIE

(Rolls eyes) Enlighten me.

STEPHEN

Your “plans” as you say, have landed you in Prison how many times?

FREDDIE

Errm, well, I , just…

STEPHEN

I can think of at least 4 times you were “at sea”.

FREDDIE

Plus two from before I met your mother.

STEPHEN

SIX? My God. I mean if this farce is anything to go by then seventh visit is looming.

FREDDIE

Yes, but, I’ve never been found guilty on all counts and I have played the mental health card many times.

STEPHEN

Indeed. I’ve noticed your special blue badge in the car window.

FREDDIE

Ah that, it’s vital.

STEPHEN

Because?

15.

FREDDIE

If I kick off in a shop or need to transfer people.

STEPHEN

You mean bodies?

FREDDIE

And that, yes. I need quick access to the car from all areas. This forms an extra level of getaway time and the car isn’t in my name.

STEPHEN

Who’s it registered to?

FREDDIE

Baggy Barb.

Stephen starts laughing, then it clicks.

STEPHEN

You’re going to frame her aren’t you? this is genius.

FREDDIE

She’s been milking me since we met, so I’m just hedging my bets. I'd rather her go for some woman on woman time in Holloway than I would go back to jail. Got her hair brush too, D.N.A mate. And a wig that looks just like her hair for you to wear.

STEPHEN

Why didn’t you tell me this at the start. I’m in for this now. I can’t let her milk you, that’s my job.

FREDDIE

(Laughs) I wanted to see how you really felt about her, you’ve clearly showed me just how in sync with me you are. It’s game on.

Fast-forward screen time of Freddie & Stephen planning the attack. Moving about, sticking things on board. End picture on the “canvas”, which is literally just blood and money. They high five.

16.

SCENE FIVE

EXT

Father & Son at end of an alley, checking the coast is clear. Enter the door to tattooist studio. Sneak upstairs, as they walk around the corner tattooist, Phoenix, is stood there with a tattoo gun in each hand, like a cowboy with two smoking guns)

PHOENIX

What the fuuuucckk are you doing in my yard?

FREDDIE

(Slightly shits himself)

I take it you’re the notorious phoenix.

Both take hats and shades & wig off.

FREDDIE

Say hello to my Son.

Phoenix tilts head back and sarcastically laughs

PHOENIX

Well, well, well…if it isn’t soggy Stephen”

FREDDIE

What's she’s going on about?

STEPHEN

It's nothing. I fell asleep at her sisters once and..

PHOENIX

…AND HE PISSED ALL OVER HER.

STEPHEN

Not on purpose

PHOENIX

You took your weak bladder out on her vulnerable sleep state and practically blinded her.

FREDDIE

Is this honestly what this fight was about?

17.

PHOENIX

Your son is a low life piece of sh….

Stephen erupts with fury that’s been pent-up

STEPHEN

I PISSED OVER HER BACK NOT HER FACE SO…(Pulls out a gun) BACK THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN.

Phoenix scared & sits down. Father in complete shock.

FREDDIE

Son, what on earth are you...

STEPHEN

Be quiet, this one’s mine.

Freddie becomes fully invested and takes out rope and ties her to chair, then tapes her mouth)

FREDDIE

Right, coffee? Tea?

STEPHEN

What the ….

FREDDIE

Ah, I missed my elevenses, so may as well whilst here. And there’s an espresso machine, saw it on the way in. Pass me her appointment book, I’ll cancel her next client. (Looks her up and down) if she has any that is.

Phones client and puts on Liverpool accent. Son looks over in amazement as never seen Dad do this before.

FREDDIE

“Hi - is this Amanda like? Great, listen I’m phoning on behalf of my mate Phoenix as she’s had to go to the ‘ladies clinic’ (points to crutch). So, she’s asked to reschedule until (Flicks through diary) tomorrow it’s empty - oh and the next day. Not as popular as most would believe it seems.Anyway, yes noon tomorrow. Great. Thanksss Amanda.