No Weeping Widow Here - My True Story

Prologue

Our last weekend together began on Friday, November 24, 2017, when
my Beloved Bernie told me, “After tonight, honey, we’ll have two more nights
together.” Wow, how could he know? I completely dedicated the next three days
to him—to us.
Bernie had been on oxygen constantly for a month. Now, the tumors in
his lungs were so huge he could only breathe by sitting up in bed and leaning
forward. Even though he had lost over 100 pounds, his body still looked
beautiful to me. Wanting to be as close to him as possible, I embraced him
from behind, holding him for hours. I read to him from an uplifting spiritual
book he enjoyed, massaged his back, and made sure he had enough water.
Throughout the weekend, I showed him how much he meant to me by looking
into his soulful blue-green eyes and giving him a big smile of love, honor, and
dignity. When he returned my smile, I felt washed in his love. These final days
were tender, loving, and bittersweet.
Monday morning Bernie was restless and agitated, I thought he might be
in pain. I gave him hourly doses of his oral medications to ease his breathing
and reduce any discomfort. It settled him down considerably—I hoped I wasn’t
giving him too much. At one point, I remembered what he had said about us
only having two more nights together, so I knew—today was the day.
I again held him close as he fought for every breath. All day, we listened to
the inspirational sounds of spiritual music, filling the whole room with a sense
of peace, calm, and sacredness.
His eldest son came over at 3:30. Fifteen minutes later, Bernie pulled off
his oxygen mask. I suggested that his transition might be easier if he had some
oxygen coming in—he let me put the cannula in his nose. Shortly after this,
our friend, Reverend Tina, arrived to provide counsel and comfort. Tina,
Bernie’s son, Bernie’s friend Hans, and I formed a circle around Bernie as he
sat on the lower right corner of his bed. Then Tina began praying and sending
him healing energy. I told him he was free to leave—everyone and everything
would be fine, and God was anticipating his arrival, along with his family and
friends. He could simply let go.
I crawled in front of his lap, bent over, made eye contact one last time,
smiled, and said goodbye. He nodded his head ever so slightly, squeezed my
hand three times, telling me I LOVE YOU, and then took his final breath. His
soul was liberated from his body—he was free.
Bernie’s presence and large spirit immediately filled the room with the
most exquisite, divine, pristine energy I had ever felt, as if all the angels in the
universe were present, singing his praises. Tears of ecstasy and happiness for
him overcame me.
We were silent for a few minutes—none of us wanted to move. We all held
hands in honor of this exceptional moment we shared. I am bonded forever
with Tina, Hans, and Bernie’s son.
It was the most magnificent, sacred experience of my life.

Me and My Beloved Bernie

This is the story of my life with my Beloved Bernie, my experience of
his death, and creating a life without him. I recount the wonders and the
struggles of our amazing ten years together, the journey of our final eight
months, and how I championed my future over the next five years. I invite
you into the extraordinary chapters of my life as I share many gems along the
way about what I did and how I took care of myself before, during, and after
Bernie’s passing.

I first met Bernie in October 2003, at a personal development course
called the Landmark Forum®. My life was at a point where I wanted to
expand the effectiveness of my communications and improve the quality of
my relationships. After the weekend course, we both took part in a 10-week
seminar series, along with other Forum participants. He was married, so I
paid little attention to him during the meetings.
Bernie and I both happened to attend a Christmas party hosted by one of
the people in the seminar. Sitting at the kitchen island, we talked for hours,
like no one else was in the room. I shared with him about my transformational
healing practice, Center for Extraordinary Outcomes, which I opened in 1996.
I explained the Resonance Repatterning® process I offered and taught, along
with other unique healing methods I added over the years. I also expressed
my strong desire to relax on beaches around the world. I love being at the
beach—wide open spaces, fresh air, walking along the shore, and collecting
seashells where the waves meet the sand.

Bernie told me about his plan to play a lot of golf and travel extensively,
which was why he had two part-time jobs. One, working at a golf course so
he could play for free, and another as an airline ground agent, so he could
fly standby, inexpensively. He was doing what he loved and was happy. Our
conversation was interesting, impactful, and memorable. We didn’t speak
again for several years.
In the spring of 2007, I started receiving emails from sunpower11. I
knew it wasn’t wise to open an unfamiliar email address. My intuition told
me to open it anyway and I’m glad I did—the messages were uplifting and
empowering. These inspirational emails came every few days—then one day,
the email began with, “Just for You!”
Being bold, I thanked whomever it was for the uplifting messages that
truly made a difference in my life, and inquired, “Do I know you? Should I
know you?”
“Yes, it’s Bernie, from the Landmark Forum courses we participated in
four years ago, remember me? I want to learn more about the work you do,
and I know some people who might be interested. When can we get together?”
I looked at my schedule and saw that I was available that day for lunch,
so I asked, “Is today too soon?”
“Nope, today would be perfect.”
Bernie brought over Chinese food and we talked for three hours nonstop.
Our conversation focused on my healing work. I explained how I help
people identify and release the emotional and mental patterns holding them
back from having what they want in life. Then support them in aligning with
new patterns to accomplish their goals. I always loved talking about my work
because my clients experienced highly inspirational results.
The discussion also included our spiritual history. I shared about being
raised in the Catholic Church, then connecting in my mid-twenties with
Unity Chicago Church. After I moved to Arizona, I attended the Unity
of Phoenix Spiritual Center. In addition, I revealed my deep and heartfelt
connection with God and the gift of being able to hear His voice and capture God’s profound messages in my journal. This made my contemplative prayer
time very special.
Bernie disclosed that he also had been raised in the Catholic Church,
then participated in Reverend Moon’s Unification Church in his mid-twenties
for 15 years and for the last several years, has been attending the Unity of
Phoenix Spiritual Center. It meant a lot to us that we were aligned spiritually,
and we wondered why we had never crossed paths with each other at church.
Bernie shared that he had two arranged marriages during his time with
The Unification Church and had gotten divorced in 2004 from his wife of
fifteen years. He also told me his rebound relationship had been over for a
year. This was a good thing since I had two important rules about dating—
men are married until their divorce is final and no dating anyone on the
rebound. Sharing experiences can be fun and the sex might be great, but the
heartache is often greater and, frankly, not worth it.
As he was leaving, Bernie asked if I wanted to meet at my house again on
Saturday night. I did, so we did.
The doorbell rang. I opened the door with great anticipation. There stood
Bernie with strawberry shortcake and a bottle of wine. Without even saying
hello, he announced, “I only want to be your friend.”
I was taken aback. Not knowing exactly how to respond, I said, “I don’t
know what the future brings, but I do know that I like to get to know someone
first before starting any kind of romantic relationship.”
“Great, I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
Later that evening, Bernie shared he didn’t want me to think he was
coming over just to get laid, which he figured most men would try to do. My
impression, at this point, was that he had strong ethics about relationships
and was highly respectful—which proved to be true.
We spent the next month having so much fun, just hanging out as friends.
He taught me to play golf, which I had never done—except for the miniature
version. I loved it! We were both hikers and took several invigorating walks
on local mountain paths. We also made day trips in Arizona, always listening to enjoyable music on the way. I specifically remember the second time we
went to the Apache Trail for a picnic—Bernie brought strawberries and
whipped cream for dessert. I remarked, “This is pretty sensual for a platonic
picnic.” He just smiled.
Whenever we met up, we’d talk about our upbringing, careers, hobbies,
likes, dislikes, friendships, and past romantic relationships. We learned so
much about each other—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Bernie could count
on one hand the women he’d been with, and my relationship history was
full of men. When he asked me to reveal details of my past relationships, I
told him that the only way I would share these experiences was if he would
celebrate what I learned and who I’d become because of them. He agreed and
got an earful—including lots of laughter and a few tears.
About five weeks after we first had dinner at my house, we drove out to
Bartlett Lake. We were lying on a beach towel after swimming, and he leaned
over and kissed me. I said, “Oh, you changed your mind, did you?”
“Yep.” The kiss was delicious—our loving relationship had begun. He
became my Beloved Bernie.
As our connection deepened, we slowly shared our hearts’ desires and
what each of us wanted for our future. We discovered we had different, yet
compatible dreams—similar enough to move forward together. I was hoping
for at least forty years, I got ten—the best ten years of my life.
After I met Bernie, I started putting a priority on having fun, traveling,
and spending time with family. I began scheduling work around plans with
him, rather than fitting our time together around my work. It was a complete
shift in my mindset from being driven by my career and making money to
sharing a glorious life with him—which is exactly what happened.
Each New Year’s Day, Bernie and I would create and declare our intentions
for the coming year. Getting clear about, writing down, and communicating
our plans for the future was a powerful way to manifest what we wanted to
accomplish.

We always included the standards we strived to live by that made everything else in our lives possible. Bernie’s was fulfilling his life’s purpose
to be his greatest and highest self—loving, kind, joyful, and adventurous.
Mine were living a heart-centered life, thriving as a human being rather than
a human doing, and taking care of myself along the way. All while fulfilling
my purpose to inspire and empower myself and others to live extraordinary
lives, overflowing with love, adventure, passion, and joy.
We discussed what we each needed and how we could encourage one
another. It was such a lovely coming together—a way we could work to be the
best versions of ourselves while contributing to and supporting each other’s
greatness.
We talked about all the lovely places we wanted to visit and then laid out
a travel schedule for the year. We had a lot of flexibility since I worked for
myself and Bernie worked for the airlines.
Taking care of my well-being was important to me. I regularly had
physical therapy, acupuncture, and massage for a shoulder injury I sustained
in 1990. To expand my knowledge and wisdom, I attended workshops and
conferences, along with personal reading for pure entertainment. Meditation,
hiking, riding my bike, and dancing every chance I got, centered me in my
heart. When I started writing in 2011, I set aside time for book writing
retreats to ensure my inspiration never stopped flowing. During 2014, I
began singing weekly in the Higher Vibrations choir that fed my soul.
Bernie found immense pleasure in getting a great deal. He checked
out yard sales, shopped thrift stores, and scoured online sites whenever he
could. He also loved online poker, playing golf, and researching aspects of
spirituality that interested him.
Living separately during our first six years together genuinely supported
both of us. We were always brimming with anticipation and excitement
for the weekend because we weren’t in each other’s hair during the week.
We integrated our lives, including visiting my mom, spending time with
his sons, and attending Unity Church. Much of our social life included his
best friend Robert, my best friend Linda, and several other people in our
individual lives—connecting, laughing, and being joyful, whether we were at
the movies, out to dinner, or just hanging out. Friday evenings were special to us—it’s when the fun began! I remember
running to my front door when Bernie rang the bell—it was thrilling to see
him again after being apart all week. Sometimes he would bring the groceries
for dinner and we’d create appetizing meals at home. Other times we would
go out to a restaurant for delicious meals without having to do the work.
Twice a month, after we ate, we attended spiritual channeling sessions.
On the first Friday of the month, we were regulars at Intuitive Directions’
Equinoxx sessions, channeled by Joan Scibienski. Bernie and I had the
privilege of sitting at the front of the room with Joan. His thirst for knowledge
and answers surpassed anyone I knew, which was often satisfied by Equinoxx.
On the way home from these gatherings, he and I would talk about all the
knowledge that was shared and what we learned. Sometimes we would even
create more questions for the next month’s gathering. We loved sharing these
moments.
On the last Friday of each month, we were also regulars at Torina,
channeled through Brenda Fulkerson. We especially valued these sessions
as they provided more opportunities to discuss and get clarity about the
answers to our questions. Knowing Torina would send us healing energy for
three days, I intentionally connected with this energy before I went to sleep,
when I woke up, and often throughout the day.
We did our best to integrate into our daily lives everything we received
through these channeling sessions, both personally and as a couple. It was
delightful to be with a man who genuinely enjoyed being with other people
and was interested in exploring spiritual perspectives that were not traditional.

***

We traveled easily together and shared a multitude of adventures,
whether it was in Arizona, out of state, or out of the country. Our Arizona
day trips included visiting all the popular tourist spots and towns—the Grand
Canyon, Tonto National Forest, Apache Trail, Sedona, Prescott, and Jerome
were some of our favorites. Going to The London Bridge in Lake Havasu and
picnicking at local area lakes were especially fun.
Having lived in the metropolitan Midwest until I was 36, I loved the
desert from the start. The wide-open spaces and mountains, with blooming
cacti, wildflowers galore, and impressive views, provided a serenity all its
own. One of our trips to Sedona stands out in my memory.
I was the early bird and always had plenty of time to
prepare our lunch. For this trip, I made a big salad with lots of
veggies and cold rotisserie chicken, which I knew Bernie would
love. When he got up, he loaded the cooler and our folding
chairs in the trunk, and off we went. We both loved to drive.
I would drive first while Bernie’s coffee kicked in. Half way
there, we stopped to get more coffee and switch drivers. We
took our time, admiring the beautiful scenery, for which the
area is famous.
As usual, Bernie found a secluded spot to stop for our picnic,
right along the shore of Oak Creek. It was incredibly quiet and
peaceful. We ate my tasty salad, and then sat holding hands,
mesmerized by the beauty of the moment. I surprised him by
pulling out one of his favorite spiritual books and began reading
aloud. He always loved this, and I could tell from his smile
that he was happy. Within twenty minutes he was asleep, so I
stopped reading. The fresh air and gentle wind quickly put me to
sleep as well. We woke up about an hour later and drove to our
favorite nearby hiking spot and went for a short walk.
What made this trip so memorable was the sensational
double rainbow we saw on the way home—it was breathtaking.
We parked on the side of the road for a few minutes to soak it up.

Bernie’s cabin in the former mining town of Breezy Pines, Arizona, was one
of our top five places to go because it was considerably cooler in the summer
and just over an hour from home. We often took 3-day weekends there.
The breeze would whisper through the tall pines, hence the name Breezy
Pines. Sometimes we’d pack a lunch and take long hikes, exploring the
surrounding area. Other times, we’d get on his 4-wheeler ATV and go on a
longer adventure. Once in a while we visited Old Man Carl, who made the
best Bloody Mary in town which we drank in the middle of the afternoon no
less. Many evenings we would eat lots of nummy food then drink red wine as
we enjoyed gazing at the fire in the fireplace.
Occasionally, we invited friends to come with us for the weekend, which
was also a ton of fun. A few times, we enthusiastically mingled with the other
summer residents at the local Labor Day party.
Adventures abounded because Bernie worked for an airline and we could
fly standby. It gave us the opportunity for extensive travel to other parts of the
world. Stateside, we visited Florida, California, and Nevada, among others.
We also went to Wisconsin and Wyoming to visit my brother and sisters. We
took six trips to Hawaii visiting Maui, Kona, and Kauai—we liked Kauai the
best. Mexico was a frequent destination—we alternated between Cancun, Los
Cabos, Puerto Vallarta, and Puerto Penasco. We also shared many adventures
in Germany, Austria, St. Lucia, and Belize, our second favorite location.
Whenever we went to a beach, we’d spend time just looking out over
the water toward the horizon. On some beaches, the waves peacefully rolled
in and gently kissed the shore, on others they roared and crashed onto the
sand, reverberating with power. I preferred the calm and Bernie preferred
the intensity. We did both, holding hands and talking about the vastness of
Mother Nature and the gratitude we felt to have the time, money, energy, and
health to visit so many fabulous beaches. We always had a blast!