STRANGE STORIES
OF
ROBIN KACZMARCZYK
CONTENTS
The Machine - page 3
Jack Nicholson in Hell - page 12
My Life as a Guard Dog - page 20
The North Pole - page 23
The Whale - page 30
You Don’t Know Who I am? - page 35
Santa Claus Pedophile - page 40
The Man Who Built Fairy Homes - page 50
The Day the Shit Hit the Fan - page 59
The Big Stone - page 66
The Gravity of Ghosts - page 79
God Has Forgotten Us - page 95
postscript - page 102
THE MACHINE
Oswald Strumpfenwald had always been a pervert. He was a married man, but his marriage was stale, cold, and sexless. His wife, Helga, was a cold-hearted German hausfrau and she was also very fat. She always wanted sex, but Oswald was a thin and lithe man, and every time he made love to his wife, he felt he would fall inside her somehow, so he preferred to satisfy his sexual needs with pornography and masturbation.
Oswald was also a genius. Oswald was an inventor of things, and many of his inventions had become instant hits in the ever-volatile market for new ideas. He had created a cat-litter dispenser which sold millions of units within a few years. His lightbulb changer had become a common fixture on most households. His toothpaste dispenser was an important product which got international attention in the stock exchange.
But Oswald was a poor businessman, and for every invention he had triumphed with, he had ten more that had cost him a mint and failed utterly. Such was the case of the shoe-polisher (which also polished floors) and the fly-swatter that ended up in dozens of lawsuits from folks who were swatted by it.
So Oswald and Helga lived in modest but grinding poverty, mostly spared from utter despair by Helga’s efforts as a Waffle-House cook. And Oswald spent his time with his inventions, in his garage, trying to remake the world. The reason he and Helga still lived together is that the big woman had unfailing faith in Oswald, and that faith kept him going.
After one of Oswald’s patents, an automatic coffee-maker/toaster hit it off again, the couple had a small-but strong injection of much needed capital, but it was just then that Oswald had his best and most important inspiration to build…. The machine.
So instead of spending the money of the coffee-maker on much needed clothes, house-repairs or bills, Oswald spent it on materials for his “machine.” Poor Helga was quite disappointed that her husband did not help her even when it was evident that he had come across some money, but she also was too faithful in Oswald’s inventions to criticize her man’s financial choices.
But she was not prepared for what followed, for once Oswald began work in the “machine”, he disappeared completely from normal life. For months!
The obsession of the inventor for the new invention was absolute and unyielding. In fact, after a few weeks of 10 and 12 hour days inside his garage, finally, Oswald moved in completely and left Helga alone in the bedroom. If she had not taken him meals to the garage, he would not have eaten, and to her dismay, many of the meals she made him ended up uneaten.
He began work in the winter, shortly after New Year's. Then spring went by, and summer came and went. By fall, Oswald looked terrible. It was obvious he was degenerating. He hardly bathed, he almost didn’t eat and Helga suspected he was also not sleeping very much.
She pleaded with him to stop, to take a break.
But he was relentless. At first, he was polite with her. But his politeness decreased as her fear for his mental and physical health grew. When she finally called his only brother to intercede, Oswald got furious. Oswald’s yelling, curse infested rant made his brother pack up and leave rapidly, and also made Helga cry desperately for hours. But Oswald didn’t care. His only objective was “the machine” and his focus was absolute and terrible.
It was not until a couple of weeks before Christmas that Oswald finally came out his garage.
He came out euphoric, with an insane look but smiling. He hugged Helga and kissed her and then went upstairs to his room and fell asleep. For three days.
When he finally woke up, he ate a huge breakfast and then asked for more. And finally, after finishing his las pancake, he looked at Helga with the weirdest look on his face and kissed her. Helga got goosebumps of just seeing him.
“Helga…” he said “…I have made my best invention ever. This is something that will revolutionize the world. Nothing will ever be the same for us. Once you see what I made, your life will never be the same. Come, I will show you. You will be the first person to use the machine besides me.”
Nervously, Helga followed Oswald to the garage.
The machine looked like a dentist’s chair. But it had weird looking tentacles and other weird appendages all around. Some of the appendages were dripping weird oily substances. A pair of futuristic looking goggles hung from it. It was connected to a large computer and it moved by itself as if it was alive.
“Ach, wut is dat?” Asked Helga in her Germanic voice.
“I call it the Pleasure Machine.”
“Oswald, diz time you haff gone too far.” She scolded.
“Sit on it.” He ordered.
“Never!”
“Sit on the machine, Helga.” Replied Oswald, deadly serious.
Helga did as she was told. Tentatively, she sat down. She was still wearing her night-gown, and she was utterly surprised, and delighted, when once she sat, her husband helped her remove the gown.
“Wut are you doing?” she giggled.
“You don’t need clothes for this machine, Helga.” He smiled.
And then, he strapped her arms and legs to the chair. This made her a little nervous, but she had no fear of her husband, so she thought it might just be some kind of kinky thing. Oswald went to the computer terminal and turned on the machine. As if they were alive, the various tentacles and appendages of the machine suddenly became more alive and a mechanic hand placed the weird goggles on Helga’s eyes.
Helga was suddenly transported to a virtual world, with various images of sexually attractive men coming over and “touching her”.
“Och, mein Gott! Wut kind of machine ist dis, Oswald!?” she said, unable to see either the basement or her husband any longer.
“It is a masturbation machine!” Crackled Oswald maniacally.
Oswald had created the ultimate masturbation machine. It connected to a computer that analyzed everything from rapid-eye-movements, heart rate, and galvanic responses, and adjusted to create higher and higher levels of erotic pleasure. The images on the virtual reality goggles were constantly changing based on the responses of the subject, creating a kind of psychedelic sexual pipe dream custom-fitted to the person on the chair. The tentacles, probes, and appendages massaged and teased the subject exactly in the places that all the sensors determined could cause more pleasure. And the massive computer program that ran the machine learned from each response, insuring that the pleasure grew exponentially.
The real-time result for Helga was overwhelming. The machine probed, penetrated, partitioned and pricked her body in every imaginable erotic, lewd area, and the virtual reality goggles started to perfect her vision of a perfect sexual encounter, creating more and more powerful sexual fantasies until her entire being was possessed by the absolute need to explode sexually.
Two hours later, Helga came out of the machine, weak, completely satisfied, and feeling like she had not felt since she was a toddler. She said nothing to Oswald. She simply went upstairs and collapsed on her bed, where she slept the whole day.
Early the next morning, Helga was banging on the door of the garage.
“Oswald, darlink. Might I use your little machine again? I really like zat machine. Can I come in?”
Oswald opened the door again, and strapped his wife to the machine. This new round of masturbatory magic lasted four hours. The next day it lasted six. Basically, Oswald used his wife as test subject for the perfection of the masturbatory program. And Helga loved every second of it.
Within a month, Helga had lost 40 lbs, she looked great, athletic, and her mental concentration skills had improved over 300%. In fact, her IQ had improved from the excellent treatment of the magical machine. Oswald was ready to go to market.
After discarding the idea of having the machine produced by ordinary sex-toy industries, Oswald settled on Volkswagen as his most logical partner to manufacture his new toy. The patent lawyers he hired to protect his invention had been thoroughly convinced of the machine’s functionality by live-test runs. The CEO’s of Volkswagen who got a taste of the machine were quickly sold to the idea of manufacturing the machine, and in less than four months, the machine became the most important money-maker for the entire Volkswagen company.
Oswald became a multimillionaire overnight. In a question of months, he and his wife moved from their humble home to a multimillion dollar mansion in Malibu, California. The machine sold hundreds of millions of units in less than a year.
But Oswald was not satisfied. He kept fine-tuning the machine, trying it on himself and on Helga, but principally on Helga, who went from a 200-lb hausfrau to a drop-dead gorgeous Teutonic diva. In fact, Helga’s physical health and mental acuity were rising continuously, and for that matter, so did Oswald’s. This secondary effect of the machine is what got the CIA and the US Army interested.
The idea of creating super-soldiers was very old. It was actually as old as World War I, when the Russians and the Germans began to experiment with ape-human hybrids. All was very hush-hush, of course, but the US Government was no stranger to the search for the super-soldier, and they quietly spied on Oswald’s experiments.
Finally, the big-wings at the Department of Defense decided to act. A couple of “agents” went to Oswald’s Malibu mansion and paid him a visit.
Oswald was not crazy about working for the DOD, but he really had no choice. The “agents” that visited him made him an offer he could not refuse. It’s a sad comment on our modern society that the US Army had learned to use all the tricks of the Italian Mafia to convince folks to work for them.
Speaking of the Mafia: various underground organizations tried to kidnap Oswald and Helga to take control of the project, but the US government spent millions of dollars in security and a full-time Navy SEAL commando was assigned to secure Oswald and his project. Dozens of attempts on Oswald’s life were stopped by the SEALs.
And so, the experiments on the machine’s mind-enhancing went into hyper-drive. Oswald soon forgot his philosophical disagreement against working for the Federal Government when he realized that the scientists that were assigned to his project were helping him think of new things to improve the functionality of his machine.
Meanwhile, Volkswagen left the automobile business and dedicated full-time to Masturbation Machines, making them the most important household item after the television everywhere in the planet. Housewives were sitting on their masturbation machines in the most remote places on earth thanks to the incredible merchandizing push from the corporate geniuses at Volkswagen. Other car companies tried to imitate the machine, but nobody ever came close, the secret being the patented programs created by Oswald.
Meanwhile, Oswald’s new super-secret laboratory in the bowels of Area-51 was his fondest dream come true. It was the entire might of the US Secret Government at his command. The lab was huge, taking up more space than a Walmart in Minneapolis. Dozens of white-robed egghead scientists, the best of the best in all the most important specializations such as programming, biology, anatomy, physics, psychology, genetics and of course, proctology were at there to follow his orders. Oswald also had access to the absolutely newest and best equipment, including numerous non-patented secret technologies stolen from the alien bases on the moon. He could spend the rest of his life in this lab, and it would not be a waste of time.
So, finally, after a couple years of Research and Development at the super-hidden research facility in Area-51, Oswald came up with the perfect machine.
He had added the use of psychoactive substances, goetic sigils, memetic lights, alien technology and other magical things to perfect the masturbatory process and make the absolutely most powerful sexual experience on earth.
And of course, he chose himself as the first live test subject for his own machine.
Strapping himself for the first time in his new Super-Machine, Oswald expected the best. Somehow, the machine would change him, and he didn’t really know what the result would be.
The process, at first, was delightful. Oswald went into psycho-sexual spaces undreamt of before this time. But soon, the machine began to torture his body and soul with increasing pleasure. Oswald never dreamed that pleasure could be painful to such extent, but he felt the very fabric of his being torn to pieces by the machine. It was as if the nature of his being was being disassembled and re-assembles through sexual stimulus.
The Army scientists who were monitoring Oswald were amazed to see the readouts of the various sensors that recorded Oswald’s every molecule. Somehow, the machine was masturbating Oswald into another state of existence.
And then…
He died.
All the sensors went dead. A Five Star General supervising the experiment saw the sensors strapped to Oswald go flat-line.
“Is he dead!? Did he die?” He asked his top egghead.
“It seems so… Sir!” replied the white-robed nerd.
The Five Star General walked closer and closer to the dead masturbator strapped to the tentacle machine. He touched the seemingly lifeless arm of the inventor.
And suddenly, Oswald sprang to life.
The General gave a jump backward and pulled out his sidearm.
But Oswald simply got up, unstrapped from the machine, and looked at the general, twisting his neck to one side and then the other. His eyes were glazed, as if he was still dreaming.
“Jesus Christ, man! What happened to you, man!?” cried the General.
Oswald shook his head again, and suddenly, he began to glow. He was glowing like a radioactive light bulb. The General jumped further back, all the scientists in the lab too. Armed soldiers stormed the lab.
And Oswald shrugged his arms and exploded. The powerful explosion knocked everybody off their feet, but somehow, although every atom of Oswald’s body was torn out of its place by the explosion, the “essence” of Oswald kept its form. Somehow, Oswald exploded without exploding. His skin, muscle, flesh, his bones… All of them flew into tiny pieces, but they didn’t either. As if two Oswalds suddenly appeared in the same place at the same time occupying the same space. And one of these Oswalds blew up and the other didn’t.
Naked, perfectly still, Oswald stood there, looking at the ruins of his super-secret lab.
The Five Star General got up and pointed his sidearm at Oswald.
“Mister, you better explain yourself!” He shouted.
But Oswald ignored him completely. Instead, he began to “rise”.
“Stop that man!” Shouted the General to his soldiers, who rushed Oswald and tried to grab him.
But some kind of invisible force knocked them out of their feet the moment they tried to hold on to Oswald. And Oswald rose and rose beyond the cavernous ceiling of the lab, past the bunkers, the higher levels, and finally into the fresh air.
It was daytime outside, and Oswald rose and rose higher and higher.
And soon, he was no longer seen.
Helga didn’t really believe her husband had disappeared. She thought maybe the Government had killed him to keep him quiet about the machine and steal his project. Still, the Government let her keep her money and her mansion, and she lived the rest of her life in reclusion, addicted to the machine.
Volkswagen was sued numerous times regarding the addictive properties of the machine. Apparently, some folks became so addicted to the machine that they were unable to keep a job, lost their marriages, abandoned their kids… hell, some even lost their minds. So the machine was pulled off the shelves, and the car company went back to making cars.
The US Government shelved the Oswald project and went back to killing black, brown, and yellow people in faraway lands.
And Oswald?
Well… Oswald sightings became commonplace. Some folks claimed he had become a God. Others said he was the devil. A church grew out of his ashes, with masturbation as its principal communion. The machine went underground, with adherents and devotees trying to imitate the path of Oswald to rise up to heaven.
You could say Oswald is now everywhere, always. But he was also neither here… Nor there. His masturbatory machine had masturbated him into transcendence.
