Grave Misgivings
Synopsis
Max McGee is a former cop whose heroic exploits in the face of mortal danger briefly – very briefly – make him a hero. Shortly thereafter, in the midst of a ceremony during which he receives his police department’s Medal of Valor, Max reveals a deep-seated fear of clowns in the most humiliating way possible and is instantly transformed into a worldwide viral meme: Scaredy-Cop. In a heartbeat, he loses his job, his medal and his reputation.
Five years later, Max struggles with his unwanted notoriety and searches for a path back into law enforcement. His friend and landlord Todd, who has been unceremoniously thrown into jail, asks Max to step in and officiate the wedding of Todd’s brother Fred and his fiancée Nika in the quaint coastal city of Astoria, Oregon.
Max owes Todd, both personally and financially, and reluctantly agrees to fill in at the wedding in Todd’s absence. He recognizes an opportunity to recover some of the self-confidence and sense of accomplishment he’s lost, but is ill-equipped to handle the phobias and insecurity that plague him.
In Astoria, Max soon discovers that the community is being terrorized by a series of brutal, unsolved killings. He also learns that Suki, the police department’s lead investigator into the murders, moonlights as a wedding planner and is overseeing the preparations for Fred and Nika’s wedding. His own investigation leads him to conclude that the horrific murder spree is linked to an ancient, supernatural power.
All paths converge at an Astoria High School fifteen-year reunion party. Max must confront his deepest fears and ambitions as he navigates his way through a potential romance and a perilous journey to the truth.
Comments
Excellent. Right away, we…
Excellent. Right away, we are thrown into a mistery, right away, we find humor, terror, action. Why is Max afraid of clowns? Perfect 10 pages.
Everything was great until…
Everything was great until the end of Max's encounter with Walter when there's his voiceover and a kind of childish 'yikes', neither of which fitted the context in my opinion. Maybe I missed something more subtle but anyway, overall this is a very engaging excerpt.
Intriguing start, but I want more
The writer seems more focused on describing sights and sounds rather than on the story. There's a lot of jumping around, which made me a little confused about what I should be paying attention to. Also thought it was an odd choice to have the confrontation with Walter cut out just as it was getting interesting, and then cut straight to the awards ceremony. I assume the Max-Walter encounter will be shown later in the story. I know that Max's fear of clowns is a big part of his character, but the appearance of a clown at the awards ceremony felt forced, rather than happening organically.
Good opener, but then got lost
I enjoyed the first two pages setting the tone as well as Max's voiceover, however, I would work on structure as it became confusing (even with the super's). I'd maybe think about starting with the awards ceremony after "present day" in the first two pages, so we learn who Tracy and Max's connection to other characters and potentially put in the Walter scene later. I also thought there was some inconsistency with Max. Work on tightening him up and I think the reader will have more desire to root for him.
ambitious but uneven
Able writing gets this piece gets off to a solid start. Atmospheric writing sets the tone for a mystery thriller, seemingly with a supernatural element. It then incorporates a down-to-earth narrator, elements of a cop procedural, and a touch of wry humor. It was intriguing, but with this many tonal shifts, it's challenging to know what we're in store for. I'm interested in this complex, rootable and flawed protagonist, but after the first ten pages, I would like to have a clearer sense of where the story is headed and a firmer grasp of the tone, even if it's a genre mashup.
Interesting Premise, but first 10 pages are a bit uneven
I like the inciting incident, and our main character, but the opening scenes could be tighter. The summary prepares us for an interesting cop character, with a interesting quality, juxtaposed with life in the social media age... interesting premise, but we don't get to that until the end of the ten pages, and then it feels a bit off. If the VO noir style carries throughout, then allow it to be sparing and informative when necessary, don't overplay it. Ist there a way in the inciting incident or first couple pages to allude to the "Scardy cop" or perhaps alluding to how the social media post will play out for our antagonist, before hand? And how does this weigh on a throughline? A good start would prefer a more consistent tonality through the first 10 pages.
Tone Question
This is an intriguing start, and there is clearly a darker story beginning to emerge. At the moment, though, the tone feels a little difficult to place. The moment in the action lines where the writer speaks directly to the reader about the amount of screaming has a playful, self-aware quality, which initially suggests a different kind of film from the darker one described in the synopsis. Establishing the nature and tone of the story a little earlier would help the reader settle into the world, understand how to receive these opening moments and feel more prepared for where the film is ultimately taking us.