Plenty of Fakes Scammers Liars And Me

Hungry for Love Not Just a Ham & Cheese Toasty

March 2020 arrived, and it was announced the entire world was plagued by a new pandemic, its name Covid-19. I have lost count of how many health issues I’ve had to manage over the years, in and out of hospitals having had several surgeries. Now it must be me time, having to be so cautious not to catch this deadly virus. Luckily living in lockdown hasn’t changed my life but has changed my thoughts on wanting to be with someone and making a life.
It’s about time I had the experience of owning that precious feeling of real love, trust, and friendship. I want it to come banging on my door before the Grim Reaper does. Either he will or Covid-19 will jump ahead of the game.
Most of my so-called friends have dwindled away because of their own life and love bubble. This was before lockdown became a thing. Seems like they don’t have time to entertain a disabled singleton! Yeah, huge double whammy. I understand that friendships outgrow each other and sometimes break down but in my situation the ghosting began when I became disabled, and no longer was my own social planner, accepting invites to go out.

Unfortunately, I’ve come to realise that most of my friends I thought were real friends, painfully weren’t. Naturally, that hurts me a great deal. It’s like having lived swamped in lies for decades. The realisation of my disabilities hit me hard over and over, I often pointlessly relapse back in time. Becoming stuck in how I was and not how I am or could be. It was then I had a life. I didn’t merely exist, and now wondering as I write, where did the last 10–15 years of my life go?
While I dare cast a light of hope in finding that special partner, I need to stop doubt creeping back in. My mind flips back into thinking do I have enough energy to put into a relationship? Questioning myself over and over, will I meet another abuser in disguise? Surely, I can’t be that unlucky?
Underneath my sensitive shell, I feel I do want the glimmer, the sparkle that well paired couples seem to ooze. But where is it ... the invisible ingredient of love? I know it does exist but finding it for myself is something else. I’ve seen the ‘je ne sais quoi’ in family and friends’ relationships, extending generally to the people around me too. Up until now I’ve not experienced it personally.
Being a singleton for years has me looked upon as if I’m missing something. People look at me as if I’m expected to be part of a couple. I’m a freak because I live man free. I’ve even had people question

whether if I’m gay, having gone so long without having any sort of relationship.
Finally, it’s taken me a decade to put pen to paper, can you believe it? All these months in lockdown and the years before that, really have motivated me into thinking about what I want from life, and it’s no longer wanting to comfort eat that ham and cheese toasty!

2021 & Still Not Following the Crowd

As a personal rule to self, I don’t like to follow the crowd as they say, for several reasons. Gradually I’m learning to stop allowing my erroneous past experiences of men cloud my present-day judgement of moving on. I’m trying to keep that all important hope in finding my best friend.
Observations have shown me that some people purely can’t live the single life and tend to move on quickly. From what my own personal experiences have taught me, it’s usually for hugely different reasons. I often wonder why so many females, not all, choose to be dependent on men. I’m not being biased, I’m aware it applies to both genders. Men have been known to rely financially on women too.
Curiously though, I’d love to understand more about how most females and males function in a partnership or a marriage as opposed to still being single. I’m not a psychologist or health professional aiming to get a figure for a survey. I’m just saying that for me, I’m constantly asking myself what I am doing wrong. I’d like to learn new things as well as share. I question how people in a relationship make it look so easy. What’s the secret? Is there a secret or is everything just a show?
From what I’ve seen, many people appear to just move on from one relationship to another. Without an obvious glitch or a second thought. As easy as spreading butter on toast and I don’t get that. My break-ups have always been bad, so as a result I’ve found it hard to move on. I get stuck in immense guilt and I’m not always sure why I do this to myself. Being quite a sensitive soul, a typical Cancerian right from the heart, I love deeply and truly which has on reflection, held me at a disadvantage. To me once scorned is a hard lesson learned. Plus, I do struggle to let down my extensively high barrier once I’ve been hurt. Once hurt I find it difficult to easily move on, in that respect I don’t follow the crowd by jumping vastly into another relationship.
In my head I’ve held on to what goodness I’ve had with that person, trying at the same time to blank out the bad. I know I can’t simply wipe away my good or bad memories, that’s not how my mind functions. Over the years I’ve had men depending on me emotionally and financially. Defiantly, I now refuse to ever be in a situation again where financially I’m bled dry. By the time I turned 50 years of age in 2016 I thought I’d be paired with my Swan. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. At my present age of almost 55, I’d love to know how it feels, being able to comfortably depend on a partner. Never did I think I’d become a lonely and isolated woman at my age. Cruelly, life can take anyone down pathways they would never expect to go.
I’ve noticed that people in the public eye seem the most notorious for moving on. You can’t always believe what the media put out there, but you do see many actresses, actors, musicians etc. who don’t last awfully long together. Regardless, the majority appear to move on and find happiness once again, quickly. They don’t tend to remain stuck on their earlier relationship. Is this their mindset or is it because of fresh
opportunities surrounding them?
In fact, it tends to make headline news when a relationship of such powerful dynamics succeeds. When it does succeed it’s a pleasure to see. One of my favourite iconic couples are Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Still to this day they look so happy and content with each other. That is the invisible magic I’m talking about. Together they appear to emit naturally as a dedicated couple.

No Man’s Land

Some of you readers may relate to how I’m feeling at this time in my life. It’s like I’m in constant limbo, no man’s land. I know there are good guys out there. However, I still have moments where I struggle to deal with the past, mainly concerning some of the spurious times I’ve had in male company over the years.
My thoughts swing back and forth like a clock pendulum, trying to convince myself to drop the negativity and remain positive. Yes, thinking more positively, and trying to push past the engulfing negativity that eats away inside my subconscious mind. Sadly, I keep questioning myself about my own failed relationships. Then I ponder on where I’ve gone wrong and how presently at the age of 55 there’s not a man in sight.
I’m the sort of woman that must really think things through and not rush into anything anymore. Maybe this is partially why I can’t move on as easily as those who do. Why do I feel overwhelming guilt when my thoughts wander back over the years? It’s like I’m trapped within my own past misery. I really need to bring my mojo back!
As I’m getting older and my health isn’t like it used to be, it’s now time that I do find a partner. Not only for love and friendship but I don’t want my three sons having the burden of me holding them back in their lives. I don’t want their life choices rotating around me. Neither do I want to grow old, lonely and ‘Waiting for God’. But I don’t want to settle either. I’m sure this resonates with you too.

Procrastination

Back in 2003, I once joined a dating site, it requested I paid a yearly subscription, so I did. It was the biggest load of freaking crap on the market. All my matches were American. Imagine how frustrated I was at not being able to get a refund back then, never mind a fucking match! Probably due to the lack of available customer service agents. Now I won’t pay again unless I’m guaranteed my money back if no success.
While the year was getting underway the start of something began lurking in my mind. This niggle of an idea to share my life’s experiences, concerning the difficulties involved in online dating. Thinking to myself, how many readers go through what I’ve gone through in life, but no one talks about it. Up until now I hadn’t made any effort to seek out any dating site. I admit to procrastinating, holding back for several more months. Before I blinked, I realised we were now well into the wettest summer of 2012.
For those of you who haven’t used online dating but are thinking about it, I’m hoping you enjoy reading what my experiences have been like. I suppose you could use it to your advantage, like an information tool. Forewarned is forearmed and how true this is. I wish someone had warned me. Why? Because not all relationships have the fairy tale ending, as I personally found out, and not just once. Be great if they did though, wouldn’t it?

Becoming a Member in 2012

Can you believe I’ve finally completed the one thing I never thought I’d see myself doing again? Becoming a member of what seems to be the most popular free dating site in the UK! My hopes are high. I’m in a positive frame of mind and I’m keen to see what this site has to offer me.
In case you don’t know most dating sites have a similar process. A procedure where you sign up with an email address and give yourself a username. I decided to go with the unforgettable ‘Catfish17’. Considering the dating site had a remarkably similar theme. (On saying that, Catfishing was not my intention, just a fun name I’d chosen added to my lucky number.) Following was a series of questions to fill out my profile. Once this was done, I could then be matched up with my imaginary dream man.
Discovering as I went along, the site joining procedure allows members to skip some particularly important parts. Managing to type in the basics first, I was a bit naughty and took advantage of this. I jumped in and skipped ahead to get started on viewing the male profiles. Always time to go back and add more.
At one point I almost backed out with anxiety getting the better of me. I didn’t want to suddenly become deflated in my expectations but decided to carry on with my search. It’s the only way to find my match. After all I am a newbie at this online dating malarkey and it’s probably normal to have second thoughts.
Suddenly out of nowhere, I get another wave of doubt creeping back into my already sceptical mind. This simplistic enrolment protocol concerns me. If I can skip ahead and miss out important information anyone can. I don’t know whom or what I’m going to encounter, I firmly need to keep my wits about me because it feels like I’m going into battle!
Here I go, I’m all set and have found a few of my best posing pictures. Some of my head and shoulders only, but some full length too. Eek! I thought I looked quite sassy and felt confident enough to upload my pictures. In fact, at this point I was quite proud of my profile, looking as healthy as I could be and feeling great.

My First Online Dating Search

I’m at home and on a day off work, today is the day my real search begins I tell myself. Life is too short to be lonely I say firmly out loud to myself. I retrieve my laptop from under a pile of useless unread letters plonked on the end of my Indian Jali dining table. I plug it in and turn it on. Dancing my fingers across the keyboard, tapping in my password. Hesitantly, but excitedly logging into my account. My heart felt like it was performing somersaults and about to thump its way out of my chest. My eyes almost falling onto my blood red, rosy cheeks.
Within minutes of me logging in I was bombarded with messages. My whole body was trembling with nerves. Feeling like a kid at Christmas being so excited to see who wanted a date with me. Slowly I opened each message one by one. Sighing heavily then whispering under my breath, ‘what a bloody mixed bag alright’, then my gut began telling me to close the account pronto.
You’re wondering why. Some messages were from men who wanted fun. There were men that wanted a fling. Men that wanted a MILF (for those of you readers that aren’t familiar with the term it means Mummy I’d like to fuck), yes quite the thing these days. To top it all off, there were men who wanted a cuckolding partner! I didn’t know what this was until I did an internet search. Turns out to be a fetish involving a couple. Often one watches while the other is having sex with another person. Each to their own but not for me.
Oh, the list was endless and so far, I wasn’t overly impressed, so I logged out feeling quite disappointed and deflated to be brutally honest. Turned off all notifications on my phone. Unsure of what action to take currently. If in doubt do nowt! That’s exactly what I did, nowt. Tomorrow is another day, let’s see how I feel then.
Frequently I tend to burn my Angel candle and incense sticks, helping me clear away negative vibes that build up during the day. I love closing my night down burning my favourite Lavender. Watching the mesmerising smoke gliding gracefully through the air spreading its aromatic presence. Creating the relaxed atmosphere, I desperately crave. Gently winding all my senses down ready for sleep. My tired head sinks into my pillow, soon I’m soundly drifting off. Dreaming for some male normality to grab my attention tomorrow. I’m 46 years old, with abusive men gravitating towards me each time I try to date, that isn’t tempting at all.

The Tussles of Feeling Good & Bad About Me

Woke up with my head banging. Here comes the migraine along with yesterday’s disappointment flooding back into my mind, and no wonder. I’m quite naive at this online dating malarkey. Only ever had meaningful relationships prior to this in my life and a few non intimate coffee dates. I think I need to find my patience and bide my time for Mr Right. Wholeheartedly, I underestimated how long this full process would take. To try and find my best friend, my soulmate and my partner for life. Unrealistically, I admit, I expected an instant miracle. The day turned into night, and I simply couldn’t face logging back into my dating account. Shattered from work and making sure my boys were fed and watered, I collapsed onto my spacious king size bed. Sliding underneath my freshly changed duvet as I tugged it up to my chin. Within minutes I started snoring like a dilapidated sow but feeling snuggled like a baby.
About the subject of snoring, it’s another one of those taboo subjects that women don’t like to admit they do. It’s either when us ladies are in a relationship or just starting one it becomes a phenomenon. Yes, a bloody phenomenon, because the moment you are told ‘bloody hell love your snoring is bad’. Most ladies respond modestly with ‘really I didn’t know I snored’, obviously playing dumb! I’m surmising this is where real love comes into play, when things like snoring are tolerated by either party.
For me I cringe at the thought of me lying there vulnerable. Smudged mascara, hair resembling Worzel Gummidge, and tongue lopped out to one side of my mouth. Feeding saliva in a steady stream onto the makeup-stained cotton pillow. In my head I want to look like Jennifer Lopez but in reality, I look like Lesley from the TV show Benidorm.
This is where my insecurities creep in. Being brought up to feel utterly useless, ugly and to hide my human flaws because men don’t want to know you have them. I’m happy to say times have moved on since I was a kid. Still, it’s such a pity all the negative experiences come to the front of my mind via various triggers, smells or actions. Most likely at this time in my life they won’t disappear. To be honest I don’t think I want them to, after having gone through what I have and survived. Yes, I’m a survivor, even if a silent one.